Sunday, October 31, 2010

Trick or Treat

Trick or Treat!



Aww, I got a rock.

SAD FACE.


Happy Tricks and Treats, kids!

Saturday, October 30, 2010

Happy Halloween from Whorticulture.com!


Hope your Halloween was scary, you ate candy till you puked, and you got your fill of hot, spooky skanks!

Dreadfully yours,
Whorticulture

Friday, October 29, 2010

Unnecessary Remakes

Unnecessary Horror Remakes by Whorticulture.com


According to IMDB.com, someone is remaking Pet Sematary in 2012.

What the Hell, Hollywood?  No!  Bad Hollywood!

I don't get it.  Is the 1989 version, directed by Mary Lambert, not good enough anymore?  That shit certainly fucked with me as a kid.  For starters, I was super afraid of some crazy little undead toddler wielding a scalpel under my bed.  No, Gage, I don't want to play!  Go play with Herman Munster! 

The enemy of Achilles tendons everywhere.
Second, that bitch Zelda.  I couldn't even walk into a dark hallway for MONTHS without picturing her twisted, skeletal body.  And then I found out she was played by a dude!  No!  Just no!

Rocky Dennis needs to eat a sandwich and leave me the eff alone!
Goddammit, Hollywood.  If you remake this, I'll have to see it.  I don't even have a choice.  That's cruel, Hollywood.  Don't do me like that.  I thought we were cool.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Let Us See Your Costumes!

Do you look super hot in your Halloween costume?  Did you make children run away screaming in terror?  Are you just excited because your costume was just so damn accurate?

Let us see!

Snap a picture of you in your holiday duds and send it to UncleEddie@whorticulture.com.  We'll show the world what a bad ass you are!  Just include your name and the picture and we'll do the rest.

And while you're at it, show us your expert pumpkin carving skills!

How Do You Like Your Zombies?

Whorticulture.com Presents A New Reader Poll: How Do You Like Your Zombies?


I've been watching Dead Set at night (I'm through episode three now) and was only slightly disappointed to see it features fast zombies.  I'm totally old school, I prefer slow zombies.

Don't get me wrong, I see the benefit of fast zombies.  Slow zombies are easy to out-maneuver.  You can basically speed-walk right past them.  But COME ON.  They're dead!  Nothing could have speed once it's dead!  The system has shut down, the muscles are atrophying, the blood is not pumping.  DEAD.

Simon Pegg, star of one of the best zombie movies ever (perhaps best in recent times - thanks a pant load, George Romero) Shaun of the Dead, wrote a great article about it.  You can read it here.  He was also prompted by Dead Set.

Please note, this is not to bag on Dead Set.  It's been fantastic so far!  I can't wait to finish it!

So which do you prefer?  Fast or Slow?  It's our new reader poll, so go ahead and vote.  And if you've got reasons for fast (or more reasons for slow), feel free to start a discussion here in the comments.


VERSUS

What Kind of Halloween Costume Do You Prefer - RESULTS

Hey kiddos, here's the results from our last poll - What Kind of Halloween Costume Do You Prefer?

Cute/Silly got 4 votes (18%)

Sexy got 8 votes (36%)

And the winner is

Scary, with 10 votes (45%)!

Nice!  You're monsters after my cold, black little heart!

We'll have a new poll later today, so check it out!

Tuesday, October 26, 2010

Current Events: Dead Set on IFC

A couple of my UK friends recommended I watch a TV miniseries called Dead Set because it involves two of my favorite things: the show Big Brother (don't judge me) and ZOMBIES.



It started last night on IFC.  You know, I didn't know what to expect.  I didn't know if it would be terrible because it mixed the television show with zombie apocalypse.  I certainly didn't expect the gore!  So I was pleasantly surprised.


I mean, just check that shit out!  It's a full fledged zombie bloodbath!  And really, the show kind of takes a back seat once the zombies come (which is quickly in the first episode).



That being said, I've only seen the first episode.  It continues tonight on IFC, and they're replaying all of them on Friday before the big finale so you can catch up.  It's so worth it!  Anyway, there's two things I wanted to mention that caught my eye right away.

First off, I love that Davina went zombie!

Excellent!

Secondly, in the first episode we see a zombie in a wheelchair.  I don't think I've ever seen a wheelchair zombie!  A+ for creativity, gentlemen.

So check it out.  It's fantastic, and way better than you might think.  All this week on IFC.

Monday, October 25, 2010

The Most WTF Movie I've Ever Seen

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Most WTF Movie I've Ever Seen


This is one of my favorite horror movies to talk about or to force people to watch.  It's not for the faint of heart, nor is it for people with weak stomachs.  I don't know a single person who has seen this, except for the guy who showed me and the people I've made watch it.  But apparently people have, because the internet is filled with chatter about it if you look hard enough.  It's almost impossible to find.  I requested it for months at my local video store and was the first to rent it once they got it.  Since then they've removed it from their shelves and told me I'm no longer allowed to request movies.  Pussies.

Anyway!  I present to you: Nekromantik

Directed by Jörg Buttgereit, starring Bernd Lorenz and Beatrice Manowski.  It's a super-8, EXTREMELY low budget German movie from 1987. 

So here's the basic plot.  You have our buddy Robert (Lorenz), who works for a street cleaning agency.  His job is basically to clean up car accidents.  Robert is a really hard worker who can't help but take his work home with him.  He even brings his girlfriend (Manowski) home presents!  What a super guy!  So he brings his girlfriend home a corpse, she has sex with it, and then leaves poor Robert for the corpse!

I can imagine your faces.  I KNOW, RIGHT?!  And the awesome thing is that you probably think that's as fucked up as it gets!  OH, BUT IT'S NOT!

There are some really hilariously fucked up things about this movie.

#1: The sex scene with the corpse.  I tried very hard to find an appropriate picture of this that wasn't revolting.  This is the best I could come up with:

Oh god, can you handle it!?  I don't think you can!  Yes, she's using a broom.  And yes, she's making it wear a condom.  WOULDN'T YOU MAKE A CORPSE WEAR A CONDOM!?  I thought so.  I just...oh my.  So the love scene is forcibly romantic.  I'm not kidding.  If you forgot it was a dead body, it would be a really sweet and touching love scene.  That shit is downright romantic!

IMDB doesn't list a budget for this movie, so I'm going to guess and say that it couldn't have cost more than $10,000 to make.  In fact, $10,000 seems HIGH.  But most of the budget must have been spent on the corpse, because it's a pretty realistic looking corpse.

So anyway, poor Robert is left all alone.  Beatrice leaves him a note, which says "Left for good.  Took the corpse."  NOT KIDDING.  This makes Robert very sad.  This leads us to our next hilariously fucked-up scene.

#2: Robert, being sad and alone, decides to get a prostitute.  I mean, obviously, right?  And where does he take her?  Why, the cemetery, of course!  Except Robert is so sad that he suffers from a little erectile dysfunction.  It happens!  It's no reason to laugh at him!  Except that's what we do, we laugh at him.  And the prostitute laughs at him.  So he kills her.  But good news!  This solves his erectile dysfunction problem!  And the happy couple make snu-snu on a grave.

Unfortunately, Robert is roused in the morning by an unhappy grave keeper.

This poor guy can't catch a break!  So he takes the shovel and cuts the grave keeper's head off.

The blood squirts out like a fountain in a horribly cheesy way.  And the tongue flaps.  It's a pretty good death scene though, even if it is total cheese.  Total aces

And that was my favorite part of the movie.

So then Robert goes home, spends some quality time with his cat (this is a scene not for animal lovers - no, he doesn't have sex with his cat or anything.  Geez, you sickos!), spends some quality time alone, and the movie is over.

AND THERE'S A SEQUEL.

I haven't ever seen the sequel.  Let me tell you, when I first saw this movie I wanted to vomit for 3 days straight.  The ending seriously messed with my head!  I've watched it since then, and it's not so bad when you notice how cheap everything looks, or how poor the effects are.  But that first time?  Dear god!

You have no idea how difficult it is not to spoil this movie.  The ending certainly deserves to be discussed.  It's sort of...revoltingly tragic.

I've heard all kinds of rumors about this movie.  The one I hear the most is that it was a film school project, and the director got kicked out of film school for it.  While that is a testament to how truly fucked this movie is (I mean, it's gotta be to get you kicked out of film school!), I don't think it's true.  But I don't know, it could be.  All I know is that I show this movie to people when I'm trying to ruin parts of their brain forever.

I think you should watch this movie if you have the chance, just to say you survived it.  This is a badge of honor.

If you have seen it, please leave a comment!  Or if you think there's a movie more WTF than this, please leave a comment!

Sunday, October 24, 2010

Halloween Cartoons I Still Love as an Adult

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Halloween Cartoons I Still Love as an Adult, and You Should, Too!


Last night I made some Halloween brownies and forced my boyfriend and his sister to watch two of the Halloween cartoons I loved as a kid.  When I was little, my mom recorded a bunch of Halloween cartoons off the TV for me, and later in life I miss that tape so much.  Not only was it filled with awesome 80's commercials (Fry Guys and Crispy Critters Cereal, just to name a few), but the some of the cartoons are ones you just can't find anymore.

Check out this Fry Guy commercial, and put yourself in an 80's mindset.  This is dated 1987.  Ah, memories.


This is my ode to those Halloween cartoons.  Some I'm sure you've heard of, and some you probably haven't.  But if you have kids, try to find them because they'll LOVE them.

First on the tape was the classic that I'm sure you've heard of:
It's The Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown!

If you haven't seen this one, you need to hit yourself in the head with a brick, then check it out when ABC shows it this week.  Peanuts never went wrong when it came to Holiday specials.  This one is great because it teaches kids many valuable lessons, such as:
#1: Never jump into a pile of leaves with a wet sucker.
#2: There are three things you should never discuss with people - politics, religion, and the Great Pumpkin.
#3: The importance of notarizing signed documents.

Your kids, and the kid in you will adore this 25 minute special.  It's available on DVD but like I said, ABC will be showing it this week so check your local listings & see it for free!

Second on the tape is my personal favorite, which they never show on TV anymore but you may have seen if you grew up in the 80's:
Garfield's Halloween Adventure

Oh, how I love this.  I sing the musical numbers year round, which thoroughly annoys everyone.  This was the only Garfield special based on original content, and I think they do a fine job.

So join Garfield as he finds a costume for trick-or-treat, cons Odie into going with him, finds the spookiest house EVER, and then has an extra scary run-in with (as Korn would say) P-p-p-p-p-pirate ghosts!

Next on the tape was a cartoon that never gained the fame of its Christmas counterpart:
Halloween is Grinch Night

When I was really young, I have to admit that it made me a little freaked out.  There's just some weird shit in this one.  You can find it on YouTube in a few parts to see what I mean.  There's stuff I totally didn't get until I was older, like that they cleverly call the bathroom the "Uphamisim."  And for some reason, all the Whos have Amish names like Josiah, and Ukaraiah (our hero).

Little Ukaraiah gets stuck in the sour-sweet wind that's a'howlin' on Grinch Night and blown far, far away from his "Uphamisim," where he encounters the Grinch.  Can he save his whole town?  Obviously he can.  Oh, and he saves the Grinch's dog Max, too.
Here we see Ukaraiah Who narrowly escaping his grinching


Next on the tape is one that's probably too cutesy for most viewers.  I wouldn't love it so much if it weren't ingrained in my childhood:
Raggedy Ann & Andy's: The Pumpkin Who Couldn't Smile

Yeah, I know what you're thinking.  I'm losing my touch.  Well you can suck it.  This one is great if you have little kids.  Raggedy Ann and Andy (and their skateboarding dog, Raggedy Arthur) help a glum, glum pumpkin who can't smile find a happy home.  And see that boy up there?  They teach his total bitch of an aunt a lesson, too!  Okay maybe I exaggerated that a little.  I guess maybe I ruined it, because you can totally see the pumpkin smiling in that picture.  Goddammit, how will I live with myself.

Anyway, finally we come to the end of the tape:
Disney's Halloween Treat

This one is only available on VHS and I think that's total fail on Disney's part.  This special was half Halloween cartoons and half Disney movie villains.  So, for example, they'd show the duel between Merlin and Mad Madam Mim from The Sword in the Stone, then this great cartoon of Huey Dewey and Louie trick-or-treating at a witch's house.


There was one that really kind of freaked me out as a kid.  It was called Donald Duck and the Gorilla.  Check it out:

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Best Of: Best Way to Spend October in Phoenix - Zombie Prom

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Way to Spend October/Halloween in Phoenix - Zombie Prom


I don't know about you guys, but I'm a grown woman and I wish I could go to another prom.  Except I don't want any douchebag high school kids there.  And I want to be able to drink.  And I wouldn't mind if it was filled with the rotting flesh of the undead.

And that's why living in Phoenix kicks ass, because every year we have a Zombie Prom!


I've gone in years past, but I sadly won't be able to make it this year.  As you might know, my boyfriend's cat needs surgery so I can't afford a prom dress, or the fake blood/wounds to go with it.  And I'm sorry, I'm just not dedicated enough to let my pet zombie gnaw a chunk out of my face.  I know, I suck.



But let me tell you, it's always a great time.  And probably the best thing about Zombie Prom is that you get your picture taken like it's a real prom.  I still have all my old pictures, but I'm not about to give up my secret identity.  So I'll just show you guys one that I found online.


So if you live in Phoenix, check this one out.  I personally attest that it's an awesome evening.  And who knows, you might win Zombie Prom Queen!  That's better than winning it in High School and you know it.

Friday, October 22, 2010

Best Of: Best Literary Adaptation

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Horror Movie Adaptation of a Book


Yeah, so I'm a big book nerd.  I love to read, and I'll read almost anything I can get my hands on.  But you guys know as well as I do that the WORST movies come from books, especially books you love.  So this post goes out to all my fellow book nerds out there.  These are the two literary adaptations that won't steer you wrong.

#1: John W. Campbell Jr.'s "Who Goes There?"

It's one of the best science fiction short stories I've ever read.  You can probably find it on the internet somewhere.  You may also recognize it as John Carpenter's The Thing.

I love The Thing.  For one thing, it's sticks very close to Campbell's short story.  The suspense is freaking CRAZY.  Secondly, although the special effects might be a little outdated, they're still pretty quality.  And creepy.  Oh, and third: A. Wilford Brimley.  That's all I need to say.

If you're not into reading but you haven't seen the movie, check it out.  It's close enough to the short story that I can forgive you.  Plus, ya know, it's a great movie.

I was going to stick with just this one, but I feel like I have to say something about this next one.

#2: Stephen King's The Stand

Okay, so I don't usually read Stephen King.  But I remember watching the miniseries with my grandparents as a kid and completely falling in love with it.  One day I got bored and decided to check it out on IMDB to see what people were saying about it.  I was really surprised to see a lot of disgruntled comments, saying that it wasn't cast properly or that it wasn't, you know, accurate enough or whatever.  So I decided to read it for myself.

I don't get it.  Maybe they have issues with the fact that a lot of big names are in this movie - like Rob Lowe, Gary Sinise, Molly Ringwald, and Parker Lewis Corin Nemec, just to name a few.  Granted, some of the casting isn't 100% spot on - for example, Harold is described in the book as, well, a fat nerd.  And he's played by Corin Nemec who isn't fat, but still a pretty good nerd.  I don't know, I still buy it. 

And I have to say that I'm surprised I like the book as much as I do.  I'm not a huge fan of Stephen King's books.  It might be because I love this miniseries so much.  And I know a lot of you do, too, because we discuss it on Twitter for hours.  So I'd love it if you guys started a conversation here, too, because I'm a nerd and I love talking about it.

Also, it's #whyIfollowFlagg.  Not gonna lie.

If the devil wore a Canadian tuxedo and had a sweet mullet, sign me up!  We're goin' to Vegas!

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Best Of: Best Horror Movie Lines - RESULTS

Whorticulture.com Presents: Your Votes for Best Horror Movie Line


And the results are:

Poor "Audition" got 0 votes!  Boo!

"You know that part in scary movies when somebody does something really stupid and everyone hates them for it? This is it." - Jeepers Creepers – 2 votes (7%)

"Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line." - Army of Darkness – 3 votes (10%)

"When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth." – 4 votes (14%)

"Your mother sucks cocks in Hell." - The Exorcist – 9 votes (32%)


And the winner is:

"We like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit." - House of 1000 Corpses – 10 votes (35%)

 YEAH, I BET YOU DO!

That was close, bitches!

Thanks for voting, and check out our new poll: What kind of Halloween costume do you prefer?

Airsex Ahoy!

Upcoming events


In an attempt to bring pure awesome to Phoenix (that's what this bitch does on the daily), the Midnite Movie Mamacita and MADCAP theaters are presenting the 2010 Airsex World Championships!


"The World Air Sex Championships is like the US Air Guitar Championships, but with less fake guitar and more fake orgasms. Never been to an Air Sex show before? Here’s what folks need to know: it’s a lot like Air Guitar, but instead of rocking out with an imaginary guitar, contestants are making sweet and/or filthy love with an imaginary sex partner. They choose a clip of music, they show up in whatever sort of wardrobe they like, and they come up on stage and show everyone how they do it. The Tour makes a stop at MADCAP Theaters for one night of simulated sexual fun."

Phoenix residents, we need YOU to sign up!  Come on, we know you got it in ya.

So go here to register: Airsex World Championship Registration

Come show off your freaky side, Phoenix!

Paranormal Activity 2

Whorticulture.com reviews Paranormal Activity 2




I want to start this review by saying my boyfriend HATED Paranormal Activity.  Hated it with three snaps in a Z formation.  He thought it was boring and stupid, and he ridiculed me for having him watch it.  Read our review of it here.  But wouldn't you know it, that boy GRIPPED me during Paranormal Activity 2.  As I type this, I'm working the pain out of my left hand from him squeezing it in fright.

Okay, now that I've thoroughly embarrassed him, I'll tell you a little about the film.  As you can tell from the previews, it brings back Katie (and Micah) from the original.  The sequel acts as prequel AND synchronous - it begins about 6 weeks before the original and continues until the day after the original ends.  It follows Katie's sister, her husband, and two children and gives a lot of explanation into the first.  It even kind of explains why they have a demon following them in the first place, although that scenario is shaky at best.

So I loved it.  I've been home for about 30 minutes and I'm still kind of freaked out.  But my concern is that the true terror comes from seeing it in a theater.  The scares are mostly loud noises (about 99% of them fall into this category), and I think the scare would be lost in a home viewing.  The audience screamed together, laughed together (it was surprisingly funny), and literally tensed up together.  As soon as the scene changed to one of the night shots, I heard people take a deep breath or whisper "oh god" in preparation for another scare.  Normally this would have bugged the hell out of me.  I freaking loathe when girls scream at movies.  While I didn't scream along with them, it all seemed to fit and I didn't mind it so much.

While most of the scares were loud noises, which I normally find cheap, I want to embarrass myself a little here and tell you that one of them scared me so bad I literally almost threw up.  I didn't just jump, I curled into a ball.  The guy next to me spent most of the movie in a ball, with his hands covering his face, and whimpering.  I found that hilarious.  But yes, I almost threw up.  And I would have been mortified had I vomited, so thankfully I contained that mess.

I won't give away the ending, but I will say that in comparison to the rest of the movie it was kind of weak.

Also, that whole "What happened to Hunter?" thing written in the carpet isn't in the movie, so don't expect to see it.  I discussed the teasers and the trailers with a lot of people, and that part always stood out to them.  But it does make sense that it wasn't in the film.

Anyway, go see it.  I give it a 8.5/10, deducting points for the weak ending and the cheap (although very well orchestrated) scares.  Just go see it in the theater.  Don't bitch at me when it's not as scary at home because I totally warned you.

Oh, and I want to give a shout out to 101.5 JAMZ for putting on an excellent show.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

Horror Shorts 2010

Whorticulture.com reviews the Horror Shorts (A and B) from the International Horror and Sci Fi Film Festival 2010


The shorts are the best thing about the festival!  Please try to check them out if they appeal to you - these film makers need love, too!

Rise of the Appliances
Directed by Richard Holmes
"After every domestic appliance in the world starts to eat their owners, the Thomas family realizes that perhaps it was a stroke of luck that all their worldly goods were re-possessed by the credit card companies the day before."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Hilarious and fun!

Nice Guys Finish Dead
Directed by Peter Binswanger
"A slasher villain meets the girl of his dreams, but struggles to get her to fall in love with him."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Such a great, fresh take on your regular slasher flick.  Filled with comedy and lots of heart.

MutandLand
Directed by Phil Tippett
"As the sun goes down on MutandLand, the creatures roaming this world are on the ultimate search for food.  But all is not what it seems in this thriller where danger lurks around every corner."
Female grade: C
Male grade: A
Very dark animated short.

Abra Cadaver *
Directed by Jay McBeth
"A streetwise hooker teaches a failed magician the difference between illusion and reality."
Female grade: B
Male grade: C
The magician is creepy and believable, and the story was decent, but that's about it.

The Zombie Monologues
Directed by Andrew Lane
"A journalist and his camera man sneak into the exclusion zone in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.  They meet a vegetarian zombie who gives them an insight into her world.  But how close is too close?"
Female grade: C
Male grade: C
Droned on and on with a lecture about zombie behavior that could have been funny, but missed the mark.  The ending was pretty good, though.  Frankly, it was "balls, balls, balls, balls, balls."

Recollection
Directed by Federico D'Alessandro
"After awakening in a freshly dug grave, a man with no name and no memories struggles to escape a nightmarish lair while trying to understand who he is and why he's being hunted."
Female grade: C
Male grade: C
Easily predictable, but decent in gore.

The Furred Man **
Directed by Paul Williams
"Max Naughton sits in an interrogation room sporting a black eye, a bruised cheek and dressed in a furry costume which is caked in dried blood.  He will explain..."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Really good story, hilarious gore. 

Beep
Click here to watch it on YouTube.
Directed by Nicholas Militello
"A weary traveler checks into a luxurious hotel hoping to get a much needed good night's rest.  When a mysterious sound wakes him up in the middle of the night, his frustration forces him to investigate."
Female grade: B
Male grade: C
Decent, but spent too much of it's short time not getting to the point.

Alice Jacobs is Dead
Click here to see the trailer on YouTube
Directed by Alex Horwitz
"A scientist races to find the cure to a horrific virus before it turns his wife into something monstrous."
Female grade: A+
Male grade: A+
Easily the best horror short at the festival, starring Adrienne Barbeau and John La Zar (Z Man!!).  So much depth and heart.  Simply brilliant.

DemiUrge Emesis
Directed by Aurelio Voltaire
"A mummified cat is tormented by the skeletons of past meals.  Narrated by Danny Elfman."
Female grade: B
Male grade: D
We wanted to like this one more than we did.  Our male is a big fan of Voltaire.  It just seemed so pompous, and not terribly interesting.  Probably better in another setting.

The Midge
Directed by Rory Lowe
"A sexually inexperienced country boy is taken off to the woods by the girl of his dreams and his nightmares.  But it's not her he should be scared of."
Female grade: B
Male grade: C
So there's sex, and the story is pretty good, but it still falls short.

Cupcake: A Zombie Lesbian Musical
Click here to watch the trailer on YouTube.
Check out their website.
"A melodic massacre featuring a young love struck lesbian couple, two bigoted old ladies, a postman delivering death and a chorus line of fabulous feathered flesh eating zombies."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
It doesn't hide its message, but isn't preachy about it.  Fantastic musical scores ("My girlfriend ate my pussy") ("No penis between us") and great comedy - easily the most remembered from the Festival.

The Familiar
Click here to check out the trailer on YouTube.
Directed by Kody Zimmerman
"Sam Matheson has accepted a very odd job: be the personal caretaker  of an immortal, amoral, bloodsucking vampire."
Female grade: C
Male grade: B
Thankfully there were no Twilight jokes in this short.  If you watched the trailers, you saw the best parts.

* Award winner - best student horror short
** Award winner - best horror short

Monday, October 18, 2010

Night of the Demons (2009)

Whorticulture.com reviews Night of the Demons (2009), starring Shannon Elizabeth and the guy who ate Edward Furlong


The closing night event at the International Horror and Sci Fi Film Festival was the remake of possibly my favorite horror movie ever, Night of the Demons.


I didn't really know what to expect from it, I just wanted lots of boobs and gore.  I wasn't thrilled with Shannon Elizabeth playing Angela...but I was willing to overlook it.  Plus, Tiffany Shepis was going to be there.  Granted, she only has about 4 minutes of screen time (she plays Diana, the door bitch who steals all the money and books it out ALIVE when the cops come).  She's in a bunch of my favorite Troma movies, so I was pretty jazzed.



The movie is EXCELLENT.  It's not very close to the original.  First off, this new mansion they're in wasn't ever a funeral home.  The background story isn't nearly as cool as the one in the original - this one is about some woman pining for a man to love her and basically calls upon the help of some demons who (gasp) trick her.  These demons were kicked out of Hell and now seek to take over the world by possessing 7 people on Halloween night.  Okay, so it's not Shakespeare, but it doesn't really matter.  We just want tits and blood!

Dear God, did we get a lot of tits and blood.  Not even Shannon Elizabeth's tits, which I was personally grateful for.  We get both Diora Baird and Bobbi Sue Luther's tits, which are excellent.  We get demon anal rape (Tiffany Shepis seemed extra excited about that one - and it was pretty awesome).  We get a chick's tits and face being ripped off.  We even get a cameo from Linnea Quigley (this basically made the movie for me right there) basically bringing her character Suzanne back from the dead just to warm my heart.

Oh, AND we get a tribute to Linnea Quigley's cinematic masterpiece - the lipstick scene.  Check out my previous post on that here

The remake captured the pure cheese essence of the original, but brought it up to date for more modern audiences.  I could have gone without seeing Edward Furlong - or really, the guy who ATE Edward Furlong in all of his bloated New Jersey Housewife glory.  That poor bastard.

Anyway, it comes out on DVD and Blu ray tomorrow (October 19th), so PLEASE check this one out!  Thankfully I already picked mine up - complete with an autograph from Tiffany Shepis.  It's a really fun time.  And if you haven't, GODDAMMIT go pick up the original!  You are missing cinema brilliance with that one!

I give the remake an 8/10.  It's pure cheese, and it's got the 3 B's (boobs, blood, and beasts)!

Sci Fi Shorts 2010

Whorticulture.com reviews the Sci Fi Shorts (A and B) from the International Horror and Sci Fi Film Festival


The shorts are the best thing about the festival!  Please try to check them out if they appeal to you - these film makers need love, too!

Lines in the Sand-Ties
Directed by Justin Golightly
"A soldier invading from Earth and a widow mourning from Mars change each other's lives forever."
Female grade: C
Male grade: C
We just couldn't get over the terrible, video-game like graphics; the story was fragmented and confusing.


A Call to Arms
Directed by John McCarthy
"Water and air temperatures on the rise!  A spacecraft crashing to the ground!  A planet dying from global warming.  Politics meets the Twilight Zone in A Call to Arms."
Female grade: B
Male grade: C
A clever take on the idea of atomic energy.

Fallout
Directed by Paul DeNigris
"An epic science fiction action thriller inspired by '24,' 'Stargate SG-1,' 'The Wire,' and 'Minority Report.'  Shot entirely on green screen and produced by the student and faculty of UAT."
Female grade: B
Male grade: A
A fun and smart tale of betrayed soldiers in the future.  Lots of cool weapons.

Radium
Directed by Daniel Falik
"A woman infiltrates Tel-Aviv in search of her long lost love 15 years after Tel-Aviv was turned into a quarantine zone because of a nuclear bomb.  Only to find that the reality inside, is not what it seemed on the outside."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
A short story with a lot of heart on humanity and survival.  Also, excellent gore.

Cockpit: The Rule of Engagement
Directed by Jesse Griffith
"In 2013, one rule in fighter combat keeps a mind controlling alien race away from Earth's doorstep."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
A compelling short on space warfare.  Very interesting, excellent ending.

One Small Step
Directed by Damien Slevin
"One July 24th 1969, man finally reached the Moon as 800 million people watched.  They were not the only ones."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Very fun, albeit a little sad because of the score.

Kontakt **
Directed by Anders Overgaard
"Martin, a teenager who is extremely interested in aliens, bumps into Lene, a vain girl from school.  A lightening object flies across the sky, towards an abandoned house in the forest.  In spite of this, Lene runs to the house, and Martin must protect her."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
A delightful mix of scary and sweet.  You might jump out of your seat one minute, and have tears in your eyes the next.

Shaqani
Directed by Robert Berg
"Shaqani is young, she's beautiful, she's romantic, and she's from WAY out of town..."
Female grade: B
Male grade: B
Sweet and comical story of a girl trying to find love on a foreign planet.

The Adjustable Cosmos
Directed by Adam Duncan
"In the fifteenth century, three worthies come together to tackle the Emperor's disastrous horoscope."
Female grade: A+
Male grade: B
Absolutely brilliant.  Remarkable animation.  Hilarious.

Alien Probe: The Musical
Click here to check it out on youtube.
Directed by Mark Copley
"The timeless musical story of 'alien meets planet, girl meets jerks, Alien gets girl!'"
Female grade: B
Male grade: A
Catchy song and dance numbers, great comedy.

The Necronomicon
Click here to check it out on Youtube.
Directed by Joseph Nanni
"Do you want to be a nicer person?  Are you looking for inspiration to do good things?  Well keep looking.  But if you're into opening up terrifying vistas of reality then the Esoteric Order of the Old Ones and Cthulhu Cultists want to help."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Absolutely hilarious and very, very clever.

S.P.A.G.H.E.T.T. -1
Directed by Adam Varney
"At the turn of the 20th century, an eccentric Southern scientist deceives his former assistant into helping him develop his latest invention: a device he thinks will change the outcome of the Civil War!"
Female grade: B-
Male grade: B
Amusing, but a little boring.

Get Out
Directed by Alberto Corral
"An average guy that is living a strange situation where glasses disappear, clothes change, and doors don't get you through where you expect."
Female grade: B
Male grade: B
Clever and quirky.  Not predictable.

** Award winning

Our grades are from a couple who are dating, used only for perspective.

Rage (2010)

Whorticulture.com reviews Rage, starring Rick Crawford and directed by Chris Witherspoon


Day three of the International Horror and Sci Fi Film Festival, we were lucky enough to catch a screening of the movie Rage.  We also got to chat with the director Chris Witherspoon.


First we'll give you the plot, then we'll tell you what we thought.

"Dennis Twist, a 30-something man who lives in a nice 'Spielbergian' suburb just outside Portland, Oregon says goodbye to his beautiful and loving wife, Crystal and heads into town.  There he unintentionally provokes the wrath of a mysterious motorcyclist, 'The Biker.'  The confrontation between the two sets in motion a daylong battle of cat and mouse.  Beginning in the form of harmless taunts; quickly escalating into something more serious...then something unimaginable.  RAGE simultaneously seeks to redefine what is scary in current American horror-thriller cinema and even delves into existential questions about karma while addressing the very contemporary issue of infidelity and its ultimate destruction of the family unit."
Taken from the festival booklet

So let's get down to it.  In planning our festival, we came across this and didn't quite know what to think.  We didn't have terribly high hopes for it (even though the festival has never let us down before) but thought we'd check it out anyway.  We met Chris Witherspoon right beforehand, and he gave us a synopsis from screenspotlight.com.  This is where we learned that this movie might not be for the more squeamish viewers.  Obviously that's a plus for us, so we got a little excited.

There are a million and one things we loved about this movie.  It leaves you feeling like you got punched in the gut with a fist full of awesome.  The suspense is enough to drive someone insane.  Viewers will find themselves totally engrossed in the biker's game.  It's low on gore, but what it has counts in a big way.  We loved the references to Spielberg's DUEL (1971).  The biker, although he stays anonymous and silent through the entire feature, becomes a truly terrifying character along the lines of Michael Myers or Jason Voorhees. 

Without giving too much away, allow us to say this: throughout most of the movie you're led to believe that the biker is one guy, but at the very end you find out he's not - and they never reveal his true identity.  Let's examine that for a moment.  As a viewer we OF COURSE wanted to know who it was.  This was brought up during the Q&A after the movie:

But really, it doesn't matter who the biker is.  We think revealing the biker would almost cheapen the affect his anonymity achieves.  His identity doesn't matter - the movie is about how your actions impact others, not yourself.  Keeping him anonymous makes him the everyman, or the anyman.  That's the root of the scare - you steal someone's (anyone's) parking space, they could beat you senseless and rape your wife.  And murder your neighbors with a chainsaw.

In short, we fucking LOVED this movie.  Rick Crawford and Audrey Walker gave out-freaking-standing performances (as did director Chris Witherspoon, who played the role of the Biker).  The bike and the car became their own characters and gave great performances, too.

We weren't the only ones who loved this movie.

Congratulations Rage, winner of Best Horror Feature at the 2010 International Horror and Sci Fi Film Festival!

You gotta check this movie out if you have the chance.  If we ever hear that "beep beep" from a motorcycle, we'll probably wet ourselves.  Truth.  

Click here to read the screenspotlight review we recieved.

Click here to check out the movie's website.

Taken from www.ragethemovie.net
 Don't fuck with this guy.

 Click here for the trailer.

Update on 12/20:
Not only has Rage been winning countless of "Best Feature" awards in the festival circuit lately (Shockerfest International and Hollywood Reel Independent Film Festivals, just to name a few), but Fangoria - the granddaddy of horror magazines - reviewed this movie!  Click here to read it, it's pretty epic.  Congrats to Christopher Witherspoon and everybody involved in this awesome movie!  It's about time you guys are getting the accolades you deserve!

“RAGE gives homegrown horror a good name.”
- Chris Alexander - FANGORIA.COM

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Friday Night Pictures

Whorticulture.com Presents: Photos from Friday Night at the International Horror Sci Fi Film Festival





Tonight we saw The Fog (1980), met Charles Cyphers, suffered through a special X-Rated UK 35mm print of Suspiria (1977), and ran into a couple of the Gore Girls.



These lovely ladies were the only Gore Girls worth taking pictures of.  If we found out that neither of these girls won, we would hereby call shenanigans on the entire institution of Gore Girls!

Update
Oh hey, looky here:

Photo taken from the Festival Facebook Page here
Congratulations, Miss Lucky Zombie!

All in all, a night filled with badassery.  Check back later for our full reviews of each of the films/shorts the Festival has to offer.

Thursday, October 14, 2010

Whorticulture at the Horror Sci Fi Fest

Come Hang Out with Whorticulture at the International Horror Sci Fi Film Festival - This Weekend!


Well, ghouls and boys, the Horror Sci Fi Fest starts tonight.  We'll be there pretty much through all of it, as long as MADCAP is open!  Check out their website for a film schedule & celebrity guests, but let's talk about the other events they're having that are worth your while.

Friday night is the Gore Girl competition:

This is ALWAYS fun.  This year it's a little different; they're holding a gore girl DEATH PAGEANT.  There's a runway, a Q&A, and this year's winner will become the face of next year's festival!  So if you think you've got what it takes, check it out!

By the way, check this page out for past gore girls.  Hot, bloody, deadly chicks?  THAT'S WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT, FOOLS. 

Saturday night is the Beat the Geek competition:

This is the first one, so we can't say how awesome it is, but it sure sounds like fun. 

From the website:
"3 contestants will be selected to represent each genre (Horror & Sci Fi) and to challenge our resident geeks in a contest based on trivia questions."

Think you can beat these geeks?  You can't.  We know these guys.  They totally kick our asses at horror trivia. 

Both of these events are FREE, and face it, you ain't got anything better to do.  Plus we'll be there!

And in case you're curious, we'll be seeing the following films & reviewing them here:
The Fog
Suspiria
Horror Shorts A
Rage
Horror Shorts B
Aliens
RoboGeisha*
Ashes
Sci Fi Shorts B
Night of the Demons**

* This one is only a possibility, we might have to skip it
** WE ARE SO EXCITED FOR THIS ONE, WITH ACTRESS TIFFANY SHEPIS IN ATTENDANCE!

Hope to see you there!  We've been to every festival and can assure you, you're bound to have a fantastic time!

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Reader Poll: Best Line in a Movie

Whorticulture.com wants to know: What do YOU think is the best line in a horror movie?


So.  Someone suggested we do "best line in a horror movie" in our Best Of series.  Unfortunately we're completely drawing a blank.  There's lots of great lines, but do any stand out as the BEST?

That's where you come in.

We've added a poll to our little blog here.  The poll ends on Halloween.  Vote, you wretched little monsters!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Best Of: Best Way To Spend October in Minnesota

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Way to Spend October & Halloween in Minnesota


Check out our previous entry: The Scariest Haunted House in Minneapolis

Hey kiddies!  Check out the Minnesota Trail of Terror, including The Twin Cities' largest heated indoor maze.  13+ attractions, guaranteeing you'll find something to chill and thrill you.  There's a bonfire, haunted hayride, hypnotist, tattoo and body art festival, and even a nightclub!  Plus more!


This sounds like an event you don't want to miss!

Location:

3525 145th Street West
Shakopee, MN 55379

London Zombie Crawl 2010

Official Footage from the London Zombie Crawl 2010


Check out the official footage from this year's London Zombie Crawl, posted by thedeazyteam.


Pittsburgh Zombie Walk Photos

Whorticulture.com Presents: Pittsburgh Zombie Walk Photos!

Thanks to our reporter WretchesnKings for the lovely photos

Check out these awesome pictures from Pittsburgh's Zombie Walk!  Lookin' good, everybody!


High five, bitch!  Work what you got!  (Yes, she's really missing a hand - kudos to her)



Zombie pimpin' ain't easy.



Loving the fetal zombies!


Haha zombie swirly!

Shark!
Zombie dog!


Braaaaaaiiiinnnnnnnssss