Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Thanks!

A Special Note From Whorticulture.com


This past month has been our busiest.  We got our highest number of hits yet!  So thanks to everyone who has stumbled over here looking for boobs, or to read my ridiculous reviews of terrible movies, or whatever it is you sickos are doing here.  We've got some great Yule Tide Horror planned for December, so stay tuned!

I wanted to find the cheesiest 'thank you' picture I could.  Something with a unicorn.  This is what I found.


That'll do, pig.  That'll do.

Black Sheep

Whorticulture.com Reviews Black Sheep


Ain't no Chris Farley in this movie.  This was recommended to me by a bunch of you, here we go.

So the first thing I noticed is that my TiVo insisted on calling this movie "shear madness."  Way to turn me off, TiVo.


The first thing I'd like to point out is that this movie was made by the Film Commission of New Zealand.  That means it's serious business.  And you can tell - it's by far the most serious stupid movie I've ever seen.  It's not nearly as cheesy as I would have predicted.  It just had an absolutely painful marketing campaign.

Quick Plot Outline: Genetic Engineering turns sheep into these bloodthirsty killers, and the people who are bitten turn into these weird ass weresheep things.

I was totally eyerolling left and right over the environmental overtones.  Not surprisingly, they go out the window once the sheep start eating faces.  I wanted to shoot that hippie girl (who goes by the name Experience - oh, fuck me sideways) through the first two thirds of the movie.

Here's what a weresheep looks like:


Anyway, they use amniotic fluid to cure the sheep.  That means the weresheep have to drink it.  It's pretty gross.  And I just kept thinking to myself "somebody's fucking those sheep."  And yes, somebody was fucking those sheep.  This is the second movie in a row for me where tragedy befalls a penis.  I don't want to talk about it.

All in all though, it was a pretty solid movie.  The effects were surprisingly good.  The sheep - which were mostly real sheep, except when they were eating faces - were believable, even if they were too cute sometimes to be scary...but I guess that's the crux of the matter, isn't it?  Anyway, pretty outstanding gore as well.  I will say, however, that it's pretty slow to start out with but totally worth it in the end.



I give this movie a 7.5 out of 10.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Monday, November 29, 2010

Blood Sucking Freaks

Whorticulture.com Reviews Blood Sucking Freaks


This past holiday weekend, I subjected myself to a plethora of terrible horror.  Possibly Probably the worst being Blood Sucking Freaks.  A Troma movie to the core - and I do love my Troma movies - but still failed to thrill me.

Quick Plot Outline: You have this guy, Master Sardu, who runs a torture show that the audience mistakenly thinks is fake.  He gets it in his head that he wants to put on an S&M ballet, so he kidnaps a ballet star.  He kills a whole lot of people in between.  Oh, and this is all a cover for the white slavery trade.



It's a terrible plot, and you kind of forget what you're watching after a while.  Unfortunately it reeks of Herschell Gordon Lewis's Wizard of Gore (which is the worst movie I've ever seen), but with WAY more 70's muff, WAY less gore, and a creepy black midget Ralphus (fuck that, we're just calling him Tattoo).  Tattoo does have a wicked fro, I'll give him that.  And he's entertaining.  I like Tattoo. 

Get down with your bad self, Tattoo!

There is some seriously weird shit in this movie.  Sardu uses women for everything, like dinner tables and urinals (thankfully the viewer doesn't witness this, but we certainly hear about it).  He just enjoys torturing them, too, like this scene where he lets a doctor needlessly "operate" on one.  The doctor tells her over and over that he lives with his mother, and that his mother didn't want him to be a dentist, then he kills her and drinks her brains.


Tattoo rides a naked lady like a horse.  You might think that's a sexual reference, and you'd be wrong.  He literally dresses up like a cowboy and rides her.

They use a woman's ass as a dartboard.

They use fingers from their stable of bitches as gambling chips.

Did I mention every single one of these women is naked?  I never thought I'd be sick of looking at naked ladies.  Do a google image search for "Blood Sucking Freaks" and see how many naked ladies you find.  TONS.

The ending is terrible.  I won't spoil how the plot ends (hint: it sucks), but I will spoil that the movie ends with a bunch of feral naked women dancing around with a penis in a sandwich.  You know I had to spoil that.  A big ol' wiener sandwich.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

None of you should watch this movie.  Don't let the wiener sandwich entice you.  If you hated me after making you watch Thankskilling (which is awesome and you can all suck it), you will dream of sweet tasting murder after this steaming pile.  I'll be nice and give it a 3 out of 10.  There's a pretty awesome caning scene (side note: the movie promises Strong Sexual Content yet provides none, unless you count this caning scene), and honestly the acting is pretty believable.  Also, basically everyone in the movie died tragically young and I feel bad about speaking ill of the dead.  But if you find your hand reaching for this terrible selection one day, imagine yourself back in Catholic school and I'm the nun slapping your hand with a ruler. 

Friday, November 26, 2010

John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe: Your Votes!

Our latest poll closed today.  Here are the results.

John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe:

A mere 1 person (6%) said it was a great idea.

4 of you (26%) said you couldn't give a crap either way.

And the winner is...

10 of you (66%) said it's a terrible idea!

Once again, I agree with the masses.  I also agree with John, who said "he'll be the Edward Cullen of Edgar Allan Poe's."

We should have a new poll up by Monday!  Thanks for voting!

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

I Whip My Hair Back and Forth

Whorticulture.com Presents: Horror LOL of the Week


Ragan Fox, who you may know from this past season of Big Brother in the US, linked to this on Twitter and I felt like I had to show you.  This seriously made me LOL so enjoy!


See you next week!

This video was made by these guys:
http://youtube.com/gabeisahippo
http://youtube.com/floppystarfish

A Very Special Message

Whorticulture.com says


Holy crap, too much turkey!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO OUR US READERS AND ANYBODY ELSE CELEBRATING TURKEY DAY!

And to anybody not celebrating, or even if you're just sick of your family, check out some of our older posts!  We'll be back in full force in December with lots of yule-tide horror to feast your eyes on.

Here are some awesome Thanksgiving related posts:

Vote on our poll, and don't forget to tell us your favorite horror movies here!

Everybody have a great weekend!

Love,
Whorticulture.com
(Uncle Eddie & LittleJohn)

Monday, November 22, 2010

Night of the Demons 2

Whorticulture.com Reviews Night of the Demons 2


You know what sucks?  When you've loved a movie for years, then you go back and watch it and realize it sucks.  Case in point, Night of the Demons 2.

Quick plot outline: A new group of rowdy teenagers, this time from Catholic boarding school, go to Hull House for a Halloween party where they meet Angela, our head mistress of horror.



Points of interest: This time one of the teenagers is quiet little Melissa, whom the other students teasingly call "Mouse" and happens to be Angela's little sister.  So we get to hear the story of what happened after that night from the original, and how Angela's parents committed suicide after Angela became Satan's favorite or something.  And yes, that is Christine Taylor up there in the middle.

Anyway, here's why it's terrible:

#1: It veers pretty far from the first one.  Granted, we have the same actress playing Angela, and they return to basically the same house, but there's one major difference.  The demons can be exorcised.  SAY WHAT.  So sweet little Christine Taylor up there gets killed and subsequently possessed by a demon - you know, as they all do - but she's quickly treated with holy water and returns to normal.  SIGH.  Thankfully she's the only one they're able to save.  The other ones just melt.  And that makes no sense.  Oh, and another thing.  Everyone except one guy escapes the house and returns back to school!  One of the girls steals a lipstick (you know, the lipstick) from Hull House, which allows Angela to cross the underground stream (WHAT!?) and start killing people back at the Catholic boarding school.

#2: Christine Taylor doesn't get her boobs out.  SAY WHAT, ENCORE.  Each of the other girls get theirs out.  We have Cristi Harris:
Awesome.

And we have Zoe Trilling (who is super hot in a 90's sort of way):
Deadly boobs.  Extra awesome.
But what do we get of Christine Taylor?  This:

That's right, she's in a bra for most of the movie.  I guess she was in "serious" actor mode back then...but don't you think people want to see the girl from Hey Dude! get 'em out?  It worked for Jessie Spano!  (Side note: it's a little odd when one of the male characters calls her Marcia since this movie came out the year before she played Marcia Brady - oh and her name is Terri.)

Moving on.

#3: The religious overtones are ridiculous.  The power of Christ apparently compelled this movie to suck.  I mean, for God's sake, we have a yard stick wielding, rosary swinging nun who acts like a ninja (and at one point loses her head, but another one pops out from under her habit like a turtle, so does that make her a ninja turtle?  GODDAMMIT LOOK AT THE BAD JOKES THIS MOVIE MAKES ME MAKE) and succeeds in the end with a super soaker filled with holy water.



If anything, this movie tries way too hard to bring you the battle between good and evil.  Nobody wants to see that.  It's a cheesy '90's horror movie.  We don't want Catholic guilt, we want tits and blood!

There are redeeming qualities, don't get me wrong.  The cheese is outstanding - but you wouldn't expect less from a Night of the Demons movie.
These effects sure are "special."

And for some reason, this part freaked me out as a kid:


Yes, that's a demon in a toilet.

The gore is kind of lacking.  There's a pretty great scene where Mouse gets her jaw ripped off by Angela, but I think that's about it.  Unless you count all of the demons melting into pools of guts (it's not as cool as it sounds) or demon-snake Angela exploding (that scene has to be seen to be believed, it's really that fucking terrible).

So all in all I'd give it a 5.  Maybe a 6 if I'm feeling generous.  It's sort of a means to an end - it just serves to get you to Night of the Demons 3.  Except now I'm afraid to watch that one.  Maybe my love affair with the Night of the Demons series will soon come to an end.

I hope not.

Trivia: Zoe Trilling (Shirley) and Amelia Kinkade (Angela) danced together in the movie Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Reader Poll: John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe

I know, lots of us sighed with disdain when John Cusack was cast as Edgar Allan Poe in the upcoming movie The Raven (sidenote: why can't they make a movie out of Hop Frog?).  But visually I think he makes a pretty good Poe.

Here's Edgar Allan Poe:

And here's John Cusack in the role:

But, as we all know, looks are only half the battle.  Everyone on Twitter knows that John Cusack is a mega douchebag.  So what do we think?  Can he pull off the role?

Vote now!

Paranormal 3 Yes or No? Poll Results

Hey kiddies, our poll just ended so here are the results:

Should there be a 3rd installment to Paranormal Activity?

7 of you (26%) said No!  That shit sucks!

19 of you (73%) said Definitely!

Well good, because as you can see in a previous entry, they've announced the release date for it.  As some of you commented, I think they need to stop after 3.  This shouldn't turn into another Saw.

Stay tuned for our next reader poll!  Thanks for voting, everybody!

Unnecessary Remakes

Whorticulture.com Presents: Unnecessary Remakes - Poltergeist


I hope that header pissed you off as much as it did me.  You don't even know.



So, according to IMDB, Poltergeist will be remade in 2013.  I predict many "they're back" jokes.

Here are the reasons this is the worst idea I've heard in...forever.

#1: Craig T. Nelson

Craig T. Nelson is a true gentleman and a man of principles.  Who can scream "You didn't move the bodies!" quite like him?  Spoiler alert: nobody.  Simply put, CTN is the man, and you just can't replace him.  Any attempts to do so will result in immediate failure.  Sorry, Hollywood.

#2: Heather O'Rourke

Okay, seriously?  The girl died while making the third installment of this series.  Yes, it was unnecessary (see, Hollywood?  You replaced Craig T. Nelson with Tom fucking Skerritt, and you failed), and yes it's ridiculously sad that she died.  But the thing is, nobody else can ever be Carol Anne.  Just...goddammit. 

#3: Zelda Rubinstein

Do I even need to say anything?  Who could you possibly get to replace her!?  That's like remaking Teen Witch.  DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, HOLLYWOOD.  Damn you.

#4: Serious Business
JoBeth Williams revealed in 2002 that they used real fucking corpses to shoot the pool scene.  YOU KNOW YOU WON'T GO THERE NOW, HOLLYWOOD.  I feel like I'm your mother and I'm smacking your hand away from touching the hot stove.  No!  Stop that!

#5: My Lack of Self Control
You know I'll have to see it, Hollywood.  That's not even an option.  Granted, I might wait until I don't have to pay for it, but still.  Why would you bother to ruin my beautiful memories of a golden haired princess being sucked into a closet, a demonic clown doll, and JoBeth Williams rolling around on the ceiling in her panties?  These are special memories, Hollywood. 

It's too late at night for me to express my true bitterness at this remake.  Maybe tomorrow.  Either way, I'm bitter.  I'm goddamn bitter.  It's not like the 1982 version isn't still awesome.  It's not like I don't still shed a tear when Carol Anne wakes up in a bathtub, covered in pink spiritual afterbirth, and says "hi Daddy."

This might be the most unnecessary of unnecessary remakes I've yet come across.  ANGRY FACE.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Paranormal Activity 3 Release Date

According to IMDB, Paramount has set October 21, 2011 as the release date for Paranormal Activity 3.  You can read the article here.

So what do you guys think?  Do you love the series?  Hate it?  Has it run it's course?  Don't forget to vote on our poll!  Time is running out!

What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?

Whorticulture.com Wants To Hear From You!  What Horror Movies Would You Suggest?


Since I've started this blog, people come to me all the time for suggestions.  I've even had a few people come up and tell me they've never really watched horror movies and ask for my suggestions on which ones they should watch.  After I stop choking and tuck my eyeballs neatly back into their sockets, I rattle off a list of ten thousand movies I think they should feast on.

So let's play a little game, shall we?  Pretend someone just came up to you and said "I've never seen a horror movie before, which one should I watch?"  Leave as many suggestions as you want in the comments, I'll tally them up later.

Thanks,
Management

Monday, November 15, 2010

Thankskilling

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Thanksgiving Scares

Whorticulture.com Presents: Getting your Thanksgiving Scare on


When your whole family gathers together to celebrate a bountiful harvest, why not show them some Thanksgiving-themed horror movies?  I'm sure the little ones will appreciate it, and so will their parents!  So here's a list of movies you should check out - if you can find them.

#1: Blood Freak
"In this bizarre story, a bodybuilder named Herschel has become a serious marijuana addict. One day, while working on a turkey farm, Herschel consumes contaminated meat, and soon after, his head is transformed into a turkey head. The turkey-headed muscle man still craves his weed, so he gobble-gobbles and attacks other addicts and dealers in order to snag their dope and feed his addiction."

#2: Home Sweet Home

"The Bradley family's country home turns into a slaughterhouse when an escaped mental patient steals a station wagon and shows up on their doorstep in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. Now, instead of the traditional turkey, the Bradleys seem to be the main course on this killer's holiday menu. Jake Steinfeld ("Body by Jake"), Vinessa Shaw, Peter De Paula, Don Edmunds and Charles Hoyes co-star in this early slice of 1980s horror."

#3: Thankskilling

"While on their way home for Thanksgiving break, five college kids run afoul of a homicidal turkey that wants them dead. As the cursed bird hunts them down one by one, the survivors scramble to find a way to defeat the possessed creature. Will the bloodthirsty turkey make this their last Thanksgiving feast ever? Writer-director Jordan Downey's holiday-themed horror spoof features an appearance by adult-film star Wanda Lust."

I saved the worst best for last.  Later today I'll post my review of Thankskilling.

There's also a movie out there called Turkey Monster, but I can't find it for the life of me.  Any of you have better luck?

Friday, November 12, 2010

My Top 5 Favorite Movies

Whorticulture.com Presents: Top 5 Favorite Movies of All Time


People always ask me what my other favorite movies are, or if I only watch horror.  No, I don't only watch horror movies.  But I do love them the best.  In any case, here are my top 5 favorite movies of all time, in order (with an auxiliary candidate as well).

#1: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

The story of an all-girl band that moves to LA and becomes tangled in the world of psychedelics and sexual escapades.  Here's some fun trivia for you: This movie was rated X for violence when first released.  It was written by Roger Ebert - yep, that same Roger Ebert that thought the film I Spit On Your Grave was too disturbing for viewers and would completely ruin society.  The man responsible for having I Spit On Your Grave banned in Chicago. 

Anyway, this film taught me many many things.  It taught me I want to marry Dolly Read.  It taught me that nothing beats a Rolls, not even a Bentley.  It taught me to be wary of guys who sound like Shakespeare and dress up like Wonder Woman.  In this movie I saw my first beheading.  It's got one of the best soundtracks I've ever heard, and by far the best dialogue in a movie ever.  EVER.

You probably know this movie, because Sublime sampled it in the beginning of their song Smoke Two Joints.

#2: Female Trouble

It's a John Waters movie, starring Divine. HELLO.  It's a film about a runaway who gets knocked up and becomes the standard of beauty in Baltimore.  This movie makes a statement about the concept of beauty in society, and you get to watch Divine have sex with herself.  It's pretty amazing.  Plus, I still want to be Dawn Davenport when I grow up.  This movie taught me "the world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life."  It also taught me that bad girls wear cha-cha heels, and goddammit, I want to be a bad girl.

#3: Showgirls

I don't know why this movie has such a bad rep.  It's a film about a beautiful princess of sanctity and grace girl who makes it big in Vegas, and finds herself along the way.  Ha, like I have to tell you guys that.  Plus, there are so many boobies in this movie that it becomes commonplace.  You stop noticing after a while.  This movie opened up the fluttering lashes of the world to the patron saints of lap grinding, Nomi Malone and Cristal Connors.  Every night, before I tuck myself into bed and give my boyfriend a little romp, I say a prayer to them to bless my life with more fancy cars, hooker nails, and dresses from Verse-Ace.  If more Saved by the Bell cast members want to go out and get naked, I support that decision. 

#4: Dawn of the Dead

I consider this the quintessential zombie movie.  4 people, stuck in a mall during the zombie apocalypse.  Sure, the violence is maybe a little cheesy.  The blood might not look totally real.  There's  possibly a zombie pie fight.  But it has Ken motherfucking Foree in it (yes, every time you say his name you have to add the "motherfucking" in there, because he's that much of a bad ass), and there's just enough social commentary to make you feel good about watching.  This is before George Romero decided his audience is filled with slow-witted imbeciles who need a good beating with social commentary.  It's fun for the whole family!

#5: Drop Dead Gorgeous

Here we go.  Here's where you're going to judge me.  But you know what?  You can suck it, I love this movie and I'm proud!  I can be a girl sometimes, you guys.  This movie is about a girl, fresh from the trailer park, trying to win the title of Mount Rose American Teen Princess, while the girls keep dying off.  It's so well written that I don't think it comes off as a typical "girly movie."  I know plenty of dudes who like this movie (that might be because you get to see Kirsten Dunst tap dance without a bra, I don't know).  It's actually really funny.  I mean, Kirsten's mom (played by Ellen Barkin) gets a beer can fused to her hand from a trailer explosion.  That's comedic gold right there.  Not to mention it takes place in Minnesota, where my boyfriend is from, and God knows he loves anything to do with Minnesota.  Don't get him started.  Please.

#6 (The auxiliary candidate): I Spit On Your Grave

Yeah, yeah.  I've talked about this movie before.  But I really do love it.  It's the most misunderstood movie in the history of cinema.  A revenge tragedy to the core, most people insist on focusing on the gratuitous rape scenes without fully understanding that the disgust you feel is necessary for the climax, or that the abuse the heroine takes is critical for her to regain her agency.  For some reason it was "art" when Shakespeare wrote Titus Andronicus, but this film needed to be kept from the eyes of the unsuspecting public.  In fact, it was just banned in Ireland in September.  Nice job assholes, you're only 32 years late.  And with the internet, the people of Ireland can totally still buy it.  You lose, Irish censors.

Stay tuned, this weekend I'll get back on horror and give you my top recommendations.  In the meantime, what are your top 5 favorite movies of all time?

Which Scares You? Poll Results

The results are in!

Vampires, Mummies, Zombies, and poor ol' Frankenstein got 0 votes!  Wait, no votes for Zombies?  Okay guys, if you say so!

Ghosts and Mutants each got 1 vote, so that's 1% each.  Also, "None of these are scary, you guys are pussies" got 1 vote, so 1%.

Demons got 4 votes, 4%.

Dolls got 9 votes, 10%.

Sparkly Vampires (ha!) got 9 votes, 10%.  I know, Twilight fans are scary.

And the winner, with an ASTONISHING 62 votes (that's 71%, people):

TILA FUCKING TEQUILA.

Yikes!

What is it that's so scary about Tila Tequila?  Is it the fact that she's a total whore?  Or that she's obviously batshit insane?  Seriously, check this girl out.  It's kind of scary what you'll find.  A plethora of fake pregnancies, her announcing she's the "Virgin Mary," wacky alien adventures (I wish I was kidding), accusations of rape, absolutely atrocious ear-raping "music" (ahem...I'm using that term VERY loosely), the worst boobs I've ever seen (and that's saying a lot)...just...goddamn.  GODDAMN.


There's also the accusation that she killed someone and had another girl kidnapped, so maybe that's why so many of you voted for her.


In any case, she's a nutjob, and I think you all voted very appropriately.  Golf clap.

Gross.  Get this shit off my site!  New poll, stat!

Thursday, November 11, 2010

Best Of: Best Twist in a Horror Movie

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Twist in a Horror Movie


Caution: This post is going to contain a major spoiler.  I recommend you not read the ending if you haven't seen the film.  DON'T RUIN THIS FOR YOURSELF.


This one is just too easy.  Of course it's the 1983 thriller Sleepaway Camp, starring Felissa Rose and Jonathan Tiersten. 
One of these things isn't like the other...or is it?
So let's get into the plot.  What you have here is a poor girl named Angela who loses her father & brother in a boating accident, and goes to live with her dear Aunt Martha and cousin Ricky.  Ricky and Angela head off to Camp Arawak, where the campers keep dying off.  It's hard for Angela to make friends because she's quiet and would rather hang out by herself than participate.  This really pisses off the camp slut, Judy.
Go curl your hair, Judy.
But Angela does make one very special friend, a boy named Paul.
Young love has never been so creepy.
So, yeah.  One by one people start dropping like flies.  Here we see what happens to Judy's buddy, the bitchy counselor (who is fucking the damn-near elderly camp owner Mel, wtf is up with that!?)
She's gonna be late for your date, Mel.
And then Mel eats it, too.
What?  That totally looks real.
And yeah, Judy gets it too.  But that part is so awesome I almost don't want to ruin it for you.  Of course I will, but only after the cut.  So who's the killer?  Think you know?

Angela says DON'T READ PAST THE CUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE!

Tribute to Aunt Martha from Sleepaway Camp

Whorticulture.com Presents: Our Tribute to Aunt Martha from 1983's Sleepaway Camp, Played by Desiree Gould




You know, there's quite a bit to love about Sleepaway Camp (1983).  The shocking and unforgettable ending, the over-the-top kills, the often-forced and unintentionally-hilarious dialogue.

And then there's Aunt Martha.

Ohhh god, Aunt Martha.  Desiree Gould steals the show with her bizarre yet captivating take on a character obviously gone insane.  Is she over-acting?  I don't think so.  Aunt Martha has obviously gone off the deep end (if you've seen the movie, you know exactly how much).  Desiree Gould pushes the character to the brink of ridiculous, but stays just inside the line of "bitch is crazy."

I think she's one of the best characters in horror.  But judge for yourself:

Trivia:  Desiree Gould and Felissa Rose were reunited in 2006 with the film Under Surveillance.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Current Events: Friday, November 12th & Saturday, November 13th

Whorticulture.com Presents: Upcoming Events for Friday, November 12th & Saturday, November 13th


Thank God for MADCAP Theater and Zack Attack's Camp Cinema during this horror drought! 

So Friday and Saturday, Zack is bringing us two B-Movie horror classics that look seriously awesome!

First up we have Frankenstein's Castle of Freaks
From Zack's website:
Dr. Frankenstein who, like many Frankenstein’s of yore, endeavors to build an enormous humanoid monster named “Goliath.” As is the case with so many of his mad-doc brethren, Frank has failed to plan ahead and secure a proper brain for the creature's empty cranium. What follows is a series of confusing plots, gore, and naked foreign ladies – a truly superb late-nite horror flick! 35mm, 89min, 1974.

Check out the trailer below:

And second, we have The Dracula Saga


From Zack's website:
Count Dracula fears that his spineless male offspring is ill-suited for vampirism. He turns his attention to his pregnant niece, with the intention of transforming the unborn child into a vampire, but his efforts cause the baby to be stillborn. The outraged niece sets out on a campaign of attrition against all vampires … her entire family. A soap opera of sex and gore…something you can really sink your teeth into! 35mm, 90min, 1973.

Check out the trailer below


Hot damn!  These both look deliciously terrible!  I can't wait!

See the double feature this weekend for $8!  You can't beat that!

Best Of: Best Kills in the Nightmare on Elm Street Series

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Kills in the Nightmare on Elm Street Series


Oh NOES, how I love thee.  Let me count the ways, in my new Slaughter Series.

#1: Johnny Depp

I guess you shoulda stayed awake, Johnny.  Sucked into the bed, the bed vomits a copious amount of blood.  What could be better?  There's even a special deleted scene that shows Johnny slipping back out, covered in blood.  I think they should have kept it - it's pretty creepy.

Trivia: Did you know this scene went totally awry?  The room spinner went haywire, flipping the room rightside-up and covering the crew with blood.

#2: The Birds

NOES 2: Freddy's Revenge.  Not the best in the series.  It totally strays from the formula - Freddy possesses a kid, and comes into the real world to kill.  Also, it's incredibly homoerotic.  One of the characters - the Coach - is killed when balls fly at his head, and he's towel-whipped to death in the shower.  On his bare ass.  Sigh.  Don't even get me started on the dance scene.

So why did I choose the birds?  It's the scene that always stood out to me.  It's sort of comical, in a terrible way.  And the other kills are pretty lackluster.

#3: The Vein Puppet

NOES 3: The Dream Warriors.  Killing kids in a psych hospital is like shooting fish in a barrel.  Luckily, Freddy pulls it off with some style.  Think about this for a moment: Freddy rips the veins from this kid's arm, and uses him as a marionette.  That's pretty hardcore.

I know lots of people think that the killer TV is the best kill in this movie.  I have major problems with it. 

Granted, the line "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!" is quality, but why didn't anybody question how she got up there to slam her head into the TV?

Trivia: Did you know the line "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!" was total ad-lib by Robert Englund?  Yet another reason he's my dream lover. 

#4: Wanna Suck Face?

NOES 4: The Dream Master.  By far my favorite of the series, basically because of this one scene.  And no, not just because I want Freddy to suck face with me.  Okay, maybe a little.  But it's great kill after great kill.

Poor little Sheila.  All she wanted to do was study.
True facts.

#5: How to Feed a Model.


NOES 5: The Dream Child.  Freddy is a real humanitarian.  Here he is, fighting anorexia.  Oh, Freddy, what will you think of next?  Anyway, I don't know what he's feeding her, but it's seriously foul.  You're gagging, she's gagging, it's a good time.

I think you might have over done it, Freddy

#6: Now You're Playing with Power

NOES 6: Freddy's Dead The Final Nightmare.  I know, I know.  The line "Now you're playing with power!" is kind of terrible.  TERRIBLY AWESOME.  Come on, he's killing a kid (Breckin Meyer) in a video game.  And, really, the other kills in this movie aren't that great.  What is great, however, is that this movie has Roseanne and Tom Arnold in it, playing two crazy inhabitants of Springwood, Ohio.
He took our babies!
And don't forget a cameo from  the star of our #1 spot, Johnny Depp!
This is your brain.
That's right, direct off the set of Edward Scissorhands, Johnny Depp returns for a 30 second spot, only to be hit in the face with a frying pan.  Damn dude, Freddy got you twice!

#7: N/A

This movie does not exist to me.  Read this to find out more.

#8: What Jason Did

Freddy vs. Jason.  I guess this kind of counts, since Jason is under Freddy's control and doing his bidding, right?  Right?  Well, whatever, it's an awesome kill.  I remember jumping pretty hard and feeling pretty uncomfortable in the theater.  HE BENT THE GUY IN HALF.  BACKWARDS.  I mean, the guy deserved it.  But come on!

And these are the ways I love NOES.  Agree?  Disagree?  Let me know!