Whorticulture.com Presents: Unnecessary Remakes - Poltergeist
I hope that header pissed you off as much as it did me. You don't even know.
So, according to IMDB, Poltergeist will be remade in 2013. I predict many "they're back" jokes.
Here are the reasons this is the worst idea I've heard in...forever.
#1: Craig T. Nelson
Craig T. Nelson is a true gentleman and a man of principles. Who can scream "You didn't move the bodies!" quite like him? Spoiler alert: nobody. Simply put, CTN is the man, and you just can't replace him. Any attempts to do so will result in immediate failure. Sorry, Hollywood.
#2: Heather O'Rourke
Okay, seriously? The girl died while making the third installment of this series. Yes, it was unnecessary (see, Hollywood? You replaced Craig T. Nelson with Tom fucking Skerritt, and you failed), and yes it's ridiculously sad that she died. But the thing is, nobody else can ever be Carol Anne. Just...goddammit.
#3: Zelda Rubinstein
Do I even need to say anything? Who could you possibly get to replace her!? That's like remaking Teen Witch. DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, HOLLYWOOD. Damn you.
#4: Serious Business
JoBeth Williams revealed in 2002 that they used real fucking corpses to shoot the pool scene. YOU KNOW YOU WON'T GO THERE NOW, HOLLYWOOD. I feel like I'm your mother and I'm smacking your hand away from touching the hot stove. No! Stop that!
#5: My Lack of Self Control
You know I'll have to see it, Hollywood. That's not even an option. Granted, I might wait until I don't have to pay for it, but still. Why would you bother to ruin my beautiful memories of a golden haired princess being sucked into a closet, a demonic clown doll, and JoBeth Williams rolling around on the ceiling in her panties? These are special memories, Hollywood.
It's too late at night for me to express my true bitterness at this remake. Maybe tomorrow. Either way, I'm bitter. I'm goddamn bitter. It's not like the 1982 version isn't still awesome. It's not like I don't still shed a tear when Carol Anne wakes up in a bathtub, covered in pink spiritual afterbirth, and says "hi Daddy."
This might be the most unnecessary of unnecessary remakes I've yet come across. ANGRY FACE.
