Atrocious

Whorticulture Reviews Atrocious

With a name like Atrocious, how did you think it was going to be?

Sigh.  The things I do for you people.

You see how that poster says "2011's ANSWER TO CULT HIT PARANORMAL ACTIVITY"...?  Well it should have said "Look, we remade the Blair Witch Project."

I mean, it's really everything you hate about Blair Witch.  The movie is only 73 minutes long, with the majority of that being two teenagers (I think?) lost in the woods behind their house.  It's supposed to be footage confiscated by the police after the entire family is murdered (that's not a spoiler, fyi, it says that in the goddamn info for the movie) but so much of it is just black screen, zero sound.

A quick plot outline:
A family of 5 goes to their vacation house.  They find a large wooded labyrinth behind the house. 

They hear an urban legend of a little girl lost in those woods years and years ago: her name was Melinda.  She wears a red dress and is supposed to show you the way if you get lost at night.  THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MOVIE. You think it's going to, but it doesn't.  It's just stupid, pointless filler.

The family, despite orders never to go in there, get lost in the labyrinth at night.

I won't spoil the ending for you.  I feel like I should, because I'd hate for you to sit through 70 minutes of movie for a 3 minute surprise at the end.  I should add, though, that just because I didn't see it going there doesn't mean it's good. 

However, there is something I need to discuss.  So we're watching the video, right?  Supposedly found footage after the bodies are found, right?  NOT AS IT'S HAPPENING, RIGHT?  But there's this scene where their dog goes missing, and they eventually find a trail of blood in the labyrinth which leads to the dog's body.  Then they go home, where they discover they HAVE. NO. FOOTAGE. OF. THE. DOG.  It makes no fucking sense!  We just saw footage of the dog!

Honestly I don't think anybody knows what the fuck we just witnessed.  I do know that they cut out 7 minutes when it came to America, maybe those 7 minutes hold the key?  It doesn't matter, it's not worth it.  The commercials for it were better than the actual movie. 

I think the next movie I'm going to review will be Assault of the Party Nerds.  It's not a horror movie, but it's got Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer in it and they are my scream queen dreams.  It's on Netflix so check it out.  You'll like it better than Atrocious.

It's Good to be Back

Hola, Bitches!

My New Year's Resolution was to get off my lazy ass and review more movies on this website, so here I am!  I know, you assholes missed me so much.  I won't bore you with my life, instead I'll bore you with this piece of shit movie I just sat through.

Apartment 143

I had some free time today, so I thought I'd watch one of the movies on my Netflix instant queue.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this movie a 1.  I'm being so generous, too.  It was straight up ASS.

Please don't waste your time on this mess.  Let me tell you...

"Hired by a family to investigate supernatural activity in their apartment, a paranormal research group find themselves haunted by a malevolent force." - Netflix info

The tagline of this movie is "The First Real Ghost Story."  I don't know who they think they're fooling.  I can tell right off the bat that it's not a real ghost story, since it stars (a much older and fatter version of) fucking FRED FROM ROSEANNE.  

In any case, it's like any of the other found footage films that have been shoved down our throats in recent years, except this one tried REALLY, REALLY HARD.  It wanted to be Paranormal Activity so bad, but it ended up making Paranormal Activity look like  Citizen fucking Kane.  It employed every cheesy trick in the book to look low budget and believable, and it failed constantly.  Shaky camera?  Check.  Filtered footage?  Check.  The effects they used to make the film look grainy were obvious, making the whole thing just scream FAKE for 80 minutes.  The acting was some of the most atrocious acting I've seen since I saw a bunch of grade school kids perform Shakespeare. 

I cannot stress to you how bad this was.  I had to fight the urge to turn it off 10 minutes in, and it never managed to suck me in.  The only thing that kept me going was the thought of trashing it on the internet and hopefully stopping any of you from watching it.  It wasn't even so bad it's good, it...ugh, I can't even with this mess.

I read so many reviews for this movie that were positive.  You know why?  Because those reviews aren't left by horror fans, they're left by huge vageens.  I remember in 8th grade, overhearing girls in my class talk about being terrified after seeing Interview with the Vampire.  THESE ARE THE KINDS OF PEOPLE REVIEWING THESE MOVIES.

I seem a little bitter, don't I?  You watch this train wreck and tell me you're not bitter, too.  I feel like I just got kicked in the throat.

See you freaks next time!