Atrocious

Whorticulture Reviews Atrocious

With a name like Atrocious, how did you think it was going to be?

Sigh.  The things I do for you people.

You see how that poster says "2011's ANSWER TO CULT HIT PARANORMAL ACTIVITY"...?  Well it should have said "Look, we remade the Blair Witch Project."

I mean, it's really everything you hate about Blair Witch.  The movie is only 73 minutes long, with the majority of that being two teenagers (I think?) lost in the woods behind their house.  It's supposed to be footage confiscated by the police after the entire family is murdered (that's not a spoiler, fyi, it says that in the goddamn info for the movie) but so much of it is just black screen, zero sound.

A quick plot outline:
A family of 5 goes to their vacation house.  They find a large wooded labyrinth behind the house. 

They hear an urban legend of a little girl lost in those woods years and years ago: her name was Melinda.  She wears a red dress and is supposed to show you the way if you get lost at night.  THIS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE MOVIE. You think it's going to, but it doesn't.  It's just stupid, pointless filler.

The family, despite orders never to go in there, get lost in the labyrinth at night.

I won't spoil the ending for you.  I feel like I should, because I'd hate for you to sit through 70 minutes of movie for a 3 minute surprise at the end.  I should add, though, that just because I didn't see it going there doesn't mean it's good. 

However, there is something I need to discuss.  So we're watching the video, right?  Supposedly found footage after the bodies are found, right?  NOT AS IT'S HAPPENING, RIGHT?  But there's this scene where their dog goes missing, and they eventually find a trail of blood in the labyrinth which leads to the dog's body.  Then they go home, where they discover they HAVE. NO. FOOTAGE. OF. THE. DOG.  It makes no fucking sense!  We just saw footage of the dog!

Honestly I don't think anybody knows what the fuck we just witnessed.  I do know that they cut out 7 minutes when it came to America, maybe those 7 minutes hold the key?  It doesn't matter, it's not worth it.  The commercials for it were better than the actual movie. 

I think the next movie I'm going to review will be Assault of the Party Nerds.  It's not a horror movie, but it's got Linnea Quigley and Michelle Bauer in it and they are my scream queen dreams.  It's on Netflix so check it out.  You'll like it better than Atrocious.

Quarantine 2

Whorticulture Reviews Quarantine 2

Hello Freaks.  This weekend I sat through Quarantine 2, based on a request I received in my last post.  I'm late to the party AS USUAL, so I think a lot of you have seen this already.  In any case, here's what I thought.

You probably know that the original Quarantine was basically a mirror image of the Spanish film REC, and you might know that I ranked REC 2 as one of the best horror movies I've ever seen.  Sadly, whoever came up with Quarantine 2 decided to say a big FUCK YOU to the glory that is the REC series and go a totally different way with this sequel.

First off, I want to point out that this movie is NOT a found footage film.  I know I've been bagging on ff a lot lately, but when it's done well I can't hate.  But why follow an ff movie with this?  It's just a movie about a bunch of people on a plane out of Los Angeles, taking place concurrently with the original Quarantine.

In the original Quarantine it's assumed that all of this mess starts because of some super-rabies virus, and that's confirmed here.  Apparently the residents of the apartment building were unwilling test subjects for this super-virus and it got out of hand LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES.  And there you go.  That, my friends, is horrendously inferior to the plot of REC2.

If you see this, keep all thoughts of REC2 out of your mind.  I think that's what ruined this for me, because it was just so goddamn inferior I couldn't enjoy it.  On it's own I think it's decent.  Maybe a 7 out of 10 (but more like a 6 on a good day).  The acting is mediocre at times - I found the chemistry between the two flight attendants awkward and unbelievable - but the suspense is pretty tight through the whole thing.  Maybe that's just because I'm a big wuss when it comes to flying.  A super turbulent emergency landing?  Yeah I can't with that mess.  It's fairly claustrophobic, so it's got that going for it.  I thought I would care more when the characters died but I mostly just meh'd through the whole thing.  Oh, and it went heavier on the gore this round, and while I'm usually a big fan of that, it didn't seem like a good fit.

So at the end you find out that they've made it to McCarran, Las Vegas's airport.  It's totally set up for a third and PLEASE YOU GUYS DON'T DO IT.  I could not give less of a fuck about these "zombies" invading Vegas, so let's just not and say we did, ok?

In short: I expected to hate it more than I did, it was pretty mediocre, and everyone should just go watch REC2 instead.

6/10 - Tell me what you think!

Horror Shorts 2010

Whorticulture.com reviews the Horror Shorts (A and B) from the International Horror and Sci Fi Film Festival 2010

The shorts are the best thing about the festival!  Please try to check them out if they appeal to you - these film makers need love, too!

Rise of the Appliances

Directed by Richard Holmes
"After every domestic appliance in the world starts to eat their owners, the Thomas family realizes that perhaps it was a stroke of luck that all their worldly goods were re-possessed by the credit card companies the day before."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Hilarious and fun!

Nice Guys Finish Dead

Directed by Peter Binswanger
"A slasher villain meets the girl of his dreams, but struggles to get her to fall in love with him."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Such a great, fresh take on your regular slasher flick.  Filled with comedy and lots of heart.

MutandLand

Directed by Phil Tippett
"As the sun goes down on MutandLand, the creatures roaming this world are on the ultimate search for food.  But all is not what it seems in this thriller where danger lurks around every corner."
Female grade: C
Male grade: A
Very dark animated short.

Abra Cadaver *
Directed by Jay McBeth
"A streetwise hooker teaches a failed magician the difference between illusion and reality."
Female grade: B
Male grade: C
The magician is creepy and believable, and the story was decent, but that's about it.

The Zombie Monologues

Directed by Andrew Lane
"A journalist and his camera man sneak into the exclusion zone in the midst of a zombie apocalypse.  They meet a vegetarian zombie who gives them an insight into her world.  But how close is too close?"
Female grade: C
Male grade: C
Droned on and on with a lecture about zombie behavior that could have been funny, but missed the mark.  The ending was pretty good, though.  Frankly, it was "balls, balls, balls, balls, balls."

Recollection

Directed by Federico D'Alessandro
"After awakening in a freshly dug grave, a man with no name and no memories struggles to escape a nightmarish lair while trying to understand who he is and why he's being hunted."
Female grade: C
Male grade: C
Easily predictable, but decent in gore.

The Furred Man **
Directed by Paul Williams
"Max Naughton sits in an interrogation room sporting a black eye, a bruised cheek and dressed in a furry costume which is caked in dried blood.  He will explain..."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
Really good story, hilarious gore. 

Beep

Click here to watch it on YouTube.
Directed by Nicholas Militello
"A weary traveler checks into a luxurious hotel hoping to get a much needed good night's rest.  When a mysterious sound wakes him up in the middle of the night, his frustration forces him to investigate."
Female grade: B
Male grade: C
Decent, but spent too much of it's short time not getting to the point.

Alice Jacobs is Dead

Click here to see the trailer on YouTube
Directed by Alex Horwitz
"A scientist races to find the cure to a horrific virus before it turns his wife into something monstrous."
Female grade: A+
Male grade: A+
Easily the best horror short at the festival, starring Adrienne Barbeau and John La Zar (Z Man!!).  So much depth and heart.  Simply brilliant.

DemiUrge Emesis

Directed by Aurelio Voltaire
"A mummified cat is tormented by the skeletons of past meals.  Narrated by Danny Elfman."
Female grade: B
Male grade: D
We wanted to like this one more than we did.  Our male is a big fan of Voltaire.  It just seemed so pompous, and not terribly interesting.  Probably better in another setting.

The Midge

Directed by Rory Lowe
"A sexually inexperienced country boy is taken off to the woods by the girl of his dreams and his nightmares.  But it's not her he should be scared of."
Female grade: B
Male grade: C
So there's sex, and the story is pretty good, but it still falls short.

Cupcake: A Zombie Lesbian Musical

Click here to watch the trailer on YouTube.
Check out their website.
"A melodic massacre featuring a young love struck lesbian couple, two bigoted old ladies, a postman delivering death and a chorus line of fabulous feathered flesh eating zombies."
Female grade: A
Male grade: A
It doesn't hide its message, but isn't preachy about it.  Fantastic musical scores ("My girlfriend ate my pussy") ("No penis between us") and great comedy - easily the most remembered from the Festival.

The Familiar

Click here to check out the trailer on YouTube.
Directed by Kody Zimmerman
"Sam Matheson has accepted a very odd job: be the personal caretaker  of an immortal, amoral, bloodsucking vampire."
Female grade: C
Male grade: B
Thankfully there were no Twilight jokes in this short.  If you watched the trailers, you saw the best parts.

* Award winner - best student horror short
** Award winner - best horror short

Best Of: Best Killers

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Horror Movie Killers!

Screw the victims, the killer can make or break a horror movie.  Here's our list, in no particular order, of the 5 best butchers horror has to offer.

#5: Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series

This masked serial murderer brings a lot to the table without saying a word.  He drowned as a kid, and he has a lot of pent-up rage against slutty camp counselors.  He doesn't even have to run after you.  This dude can saunter after you, and he's still going to catch up, so just shut up and take it like a champ.  Although he's known for his machete, some of our favorite death scenes include swinging a girl around inside a sleeping bag, and freezing someone's face with liquid nitrogen and then smashing it to pieces. 

Nice job, Jason!  2 points!

Our favorite Jasons are:

Warrington Gillette, Richard Brooker, C.J. Graham, and Kane Hodder - we also respect his mother for offing Kevin Bacon with an arrow through the neck

#4: Otis B. Driftwood from House of 1000 Corpses

Goddammit, Bill Moseley.  We just love you.  And your portrayal of Otis pushed our love from moderate to downright shameless.  Otis has some of the best dialogue in horror movie history.  He spends his time making awesome oddities from pieces of his victims, and he has a penchant for cheerleaders (don't we all?).  Rob Zombie's song Pussy Liquor tells you all you need to know about this psycho:
"...Otis was his name
White as a ghost, totally insane.
Otis loves the girls, young and clean,
drowning in a bucket of gasoline."
Indeed, Otis is a man after our own hearts here at whorticulture.  Our favorite thing this bad ass does is making that flesh suit out of the cop, then trying to get all romantic with the cop's daughter.  He's the one who brings the Christmas candy.

Do you like what you see?  DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

#3: Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street series

Say what you will, but Robert Englund will always be Freddy to us.  Sorry, Mr. Bad News Bears.  This child murderer turned undead, gloved dream assassin kills mostly teenagers, but he'll fuck anyone up if they get in his way.  And we appreciate that.  You can't tie yourself down, you know?  He's charismatic, kind of charming, and mega deadly.  It's a winning combination!  He's got dozens of kills under his belt, including stuffing a model's face (literally), killing a teenager in a comic book, killing a teenager in a video game, and he even killed Johnny Depp.  But our favorite is an under appreciated murder in Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, where he combines romance with a deadly asthma attack on poor, nerdy Sheila:

Hey Sheila, wanna suck face?

#2: Angela Baker from the Sleepaway Camp sequels

Don't get us wrong - we definitely love Felissa Rose as Angela in the original Sleepaway Camp.  That shit is twisted and we'll definitely discuss it at some later time.  But right now we're focusing on Pamela Springsteen (sister of some guy named Bruce Springsteen, who you've probably never heard of - just kidding - and did not inherit any singing talent at all) as Angela Baker in Sleepaway Camp 2 & 3.  This bitch has quite the past, which is so surprising that we're not about to ruin it for you just yet.  Yeah, her past messed with her head just a little, and now she's at camp killing slutty teenagers.  TOTALLY ORIGINAL.  She tries to have zingy one-liners but it just doesn't work.  That's okay, we'll overlook it since she kills the slutty teenagers in original ways.  She stuffs firecrackers in their noses, buries a lazy counselor up to her neck in dirt and garbage and mows over her head with a lawnmower, and drowns a hot chick in an outhouse.  That last one is our personal favorite.  Instead of showing you a picture of that scene, let's just bask in the ultimate 80's hotness that is Valerie Hartman (Ally):

 Do you want that face all covered in muck and leeches?  We didn't think so.

#1: Baby from House of 1000 Corpses

Oh, Baby Baby Baby.  So hot.  So deadly.  She loves old time movie starlets, baby dolls, and butcher knives.  Oh, and she loves being sexy.  Goddammit, Rob Zombie.  You lucky bastard.  Baby and her evil laugh will send chills down your spine.  We love everything this fine lady does - we can't pick just one.  We love watching her run after her rabbits, we love watching her dance to Brick House while someone gets chopped up.  We even love watching her scalp her victims when they get questions wrong.  That'll teach 'em!  Pro tip: don't be rude during Baby's performances.  Make your bitch shut up and watch.

We wanna be loved by you, too, Baby!

Any killers you love that we missed?  Let us know in the comments!

Best Of: Best Way To Spend October in Phoenix, Part II

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best October and Halloween Events in Phoenix, Arizona - The International Horror Sci Fi Film Festival!

October 14th - 17th, Phoenix holds one of it's most fun October events.  The International Horror Sci Fi Film Festival, now in it's 6th year. It's a great chance to meet celebrities and see horror or sci fi movies you probably wouldn't have the opportunity to see.

At previous festivals we've gotten the chance to meet Linda Blair, Ken Foree, Jeffrey Combs, Casper Van Dien, Adrienne King, and a bunch of others!  It's really cool to talk to them, take pictures, and ask them questions about the movies they've starred in (although Linda Blair was a huge disappointment - she cared more about shoes than the fans and didn't want to talk about The Exorcist, but rather her pet charity.  It's a great cause, but come on, you knew why you were there!).

Also, we've seen great movies there that we never would have seen.  For example, we saw Pakistan's first gore movie called Zibahkhana, or Hell's Ground.

We also saw a movie called Special, starring Michael Rapaport, which brought us to tears and we love love love!

This year is definitely going to please!  They'll be showing such awesome movies as The Fog (Charles Cyphers will be there!), Aliens (Lance Henriksen will be there!), Suspiria. and a bunch of others, including both horror and sci fi shorts!  Click here for the schedule, you'll no doubt find something you want to see!


There are a few different ticket packages to choose from, but we definitely recommend the VIP passes which get you a bunch of bonuses and are absolutely worth the money!


This event makes us happy we live in Phoenix.  Expect a few more events to pop up here on Whorticulture, but if you're only going to check one out, let this be it!

Update!
Check out this bad ass poster for this year's festival!