Our Recommendation for April

Whorticulture.com Recommends A Movie To Cure Your April Blues

People are always asking me for recommendations, and right now I've got a great one for you that's on the Netflix Instant Queue.

This low budget Belgian gorefest was picked up and redistributed by Troma, which means absolute B-Movie quality.

The plot is simple: these two elderly aunts receive a birthday present from their nephew, which turns them into bloodthirsty monsters.  Tons of blood splatter and laughs ensue as they devour their greedy relatives.

Go ahead, check it out.  Let us know how much you love it.

And while you're at it, leave us your April recommendations!

The Telling

Whorticulture.com Reviews The Telling

Three girls are pledging the strictest sorority on campus, and because of the suicide of a pledge last year, these hopefuls have to regale their prospective sisters with scary stories.

With a premise like that, how could it possibly go wrong?

I can't believe I sat through an hour and 15 minutes of this garbage.  I'm not totally to blame - my cable is out today and this has been sitting on my TiVo for a few months.  Still, I'd like my hour and 15 minutes back, please.

The big draw to this movie is that it stars Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, Hef's former squeezes and girls who have certainly been eye candy to yours truly.  Their acting skills are about half a step up from poo floating in a pool...no, wait, that's not really fair to the poo.  Their acting skills are ON PAR with poo floating in a pool.  Holly stars as the head bitch of the sorority.  It's much better if you mute the television and just stare at her rack.  Bridget is the star of story number 2, which is by far the worst story (her lack of acting skill, or "lackting" plays a fairly sizable role in the suckage, but you can't discount that the story is just. fucking. stupid).

The first story is about an evil, possessive doll.  It was kind of like watching Christine if you had a massive head injury.  The doll is in love with the guy and kills anyone who comes between them.  It is a total snoozefest.

The second story, the one with Bridget, is about a movie star who takes "the last role on Earth" and turns out to be filming for the undead.  Or something.  It really doesn't matter, you're just happy when it's over.  Oh but you do get to see a topless Christine Nguyen, the only tits this film has to offer.

The third story had the most suspense, which is to say on a scale of 1 -10 it was about a 3.  These three girls make a prank phone call and hear someone being murdered, then the killer comes and picks them off one by one.  This story also has a scene with a cable guy literally smearing one of the girl's panties all over his face.  This 15 seconds was the best of the entire film.  At least it was funny.

So then you come back to the sorority, where SURPRISE!  They aren't really picking any of these girls, they've been hiding two behind a curtain this whole time!  And again, you don't really care.  Oh, and the sorority girls have all been poisoned.  Whatever, all I could think about was the true blessing of this atrocity being over in two minutes.  Their death scenes are terrible and drawn out, and you have to wonder if they've ever even seen a horror movie where somebody dies.  I'm going to guess NO. 

I'm not even going to rate this movie.  I'm just going to give it an F minus.  You could hand a bunch of third graders the script for Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, and what they present you would be a million times better than this movie.

I hate you, The Telling.

Deadgirl

Whorticulture.com Reviews Deadgirl

A bunch of Troma guys got together and made an actually GOOD film.  Imagine that.

Deadgirl was recommended to me today, and if you know anything about recommending movies to me, it's that I don't get to them right away.  But this had two things going for it: #1. It was available on instant queue.  #2. The info (basically "two male high school students stumble upon a dead girl in a basement") kind of sounded like Stir of Echoes and that intrigued me.

The tagline for Deadgirl is "You'll never forget your first time."  Being the smartass that I am, I totally thought I had this whole movie figured out before I started it. 

Haha, nope.

This movie surprised me right and left.  There were major plot turns I didn't expect, and even for a movie really low on gore I have to give it two very enthusiastic thumbs up.  It was so good that we just sat in silence while the credits rolled, trying to wrap our minds around any comments we could make.

I can't say more because it would be really unfair to spoil any of this for you guys.  I mean, it's not like the most surprising movie of the century or anything, but it was really good and you should definitely check it out.  That being said, I hope a conversation starts about this movie in the comments, because there are a lot of things that didn't make sense.  Example: What role did the dog play?  Oh, and what do we think happened to the Deadgirl in the end?

My vote is a 9 out of 10.

Trivia: The main dude, Shiloh Fernandez (Rickie) was almost Edward Cullen. 

Current Events: Saturday, January 22nd 2011

Everybody head over to MADCAP theaters on Saturday, Jan. 22nd for a special 35mm viewing of the 1980 horror classic, Maniac!

From MADCAP's website:

MANIAC (1980)stars Joe Spinell (ROCKY, THE GODFATHER, TAXI DRIVER) as Frank Zito, a deeply disturbed man haunted by the traumas of unspeakable childhood abuse. When these horrific memories begin to scream inside his mind, Frank prowls the seedy streets of New York City to stalk and slaughter innocent young women. Even as he begins a relationship with a beautiful photographer (Caroline Munro of THE SPY WHO LOVED ME), Frank continues to act on his vile compulsions. The film holds nothing back in depicting the atrocities of a human monster.  MANIAC earned instant notoriety in 1980 as the most graphic and disturbing of all slasher films, thanks to the gruesome special effects wizardry of Tom Savini (DAWN OF THE DEAD, FRIDAY THE 13TH). Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert called for their audience to boycott MANIAC, feminists protested the film's brutal violence, and other critics simply reviled the film as "sick" and "dirty."  This program is presented in 35mm.


This one ain't for the faint of heart, guys.  But it's good, I've seen it before and I can't wait to catch it in 35mm!

Brought to you by the kick ass Midnite Movie Mamacita!  Only $8!  Showings at 8 & 10!  See you there!

Update
I just found out that they're giving away tickets to see The Mechanic on Tuesday at 7 at Tempe Marketplace!  So come see Maniac, and score a free ticket!

The Children

Whorticulture.com Reviews The Children

A few nights ago I sat down to one of my suggestions, The Children, a Brit Horror film from 2008.

I didn't know anything about this movie, so I assumed it was going to be like Beware! Children At Play but with a bigger budget.  But no, nothing is like Beware! Children At Play.

Quick plot outline: Two families meet up for Christmas, when the young children catch a virus that turns them into murderous little monsters.

There were pretty decent scares in this movie.  The run time is only 84 minutes, and it takes its sweet ass time getting to a point, but once it does it's pretty good.  They cut away from a lot of the gore, but what you do get is decent.

The "scream at your TV" factor of this movie is definitely a 10.  I don't care if it's mommy's sweet little boy, if he's coming at me with a knife, I'm kicking his ass down the stairs.  I can't even look my neighbors in the eye right now because I'm sure they heard me screaming some crazy shit about killing children.  I have no shame, I would have killed these kids right away.

You don't even know, I'm taking these fuckers out!  With a quickness!

Pretty much everyone who dies in this movie is someone who deserves it.  The kills are highly satisfying.  Sure, to some extent it's a plot you've seen before (Children of the Damned and a few others), but I'd recommend checking it out.  I had fun watching it.

I give this movie a 7/10.  Thanks to Brixie for the suggestion!

Black Christmas (1974)

Whorticulture.com Reviews Black Christmas (1974), Starring Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder

Since Black Christmas is basically in the lead (Gremlins keeps catching up) on our poll, I thought I'd check it out.  It's shameful that I'd never seen it before, especially since it stars the ethereal and alluring Olivia Hussey.

Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh.

And Margot Kidder, who I could really care less about, because she reminds me of The Amityville Horror, thus reminds me of pure unfrightening fakery.  Oh, and John Motherfucking Saxon is in it, too, and yet again he pulls out zero karate.  Sigh.

In any case, here's a quick plot outline: an anonymous psycho breaks into a sorority house and murders the inhabitants during the holidays.

Some things really stood out to me.  First off, it jumps right into the action, which I appreciate.

Secondly, I'd love to know why nobody checked the house for the bodies of the girls.  Apparently the attic is the best place to hide bodies.  GOOD TO KNOW.

Somebody ignored the warning on the bag.

Third, was tracing phone calls really that difficult in the 1970's?  Jesus, why did anybody bother?

Fourth, anybody else notice that Olivia Hussey's name in this movie is Jess Bradford?  Ha.

WHAT.

So, all in all, it wasn't a bad movie.  It was a little too low on gore for my taste, but that's what you get with movies from before the tits-n-blood decade known as the '80's.  It wasn't particularly scary.  I wish they would have gone into more detail about the killer.  I mean, wtf was his motivation?  Does it matter?  I think yes, in this case it does.  Does the remake go more into it?  I guess I'll find out.  Does the 13 year old they find in the park have anything to do with this?  It didn't seem like it.  I have no idea.  But maybe if I knew more about the killer I'd understand that better.

I'd give it a 7 out of 10.  It just wasn't my style, but it wasn't a bad movie by any means.

WTF Trivia: The director of Black Christmas (1974) also directed Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things and...A CHRISTMAS STORY.  WTF!?

Simon Says

Whorticulture.com Reviews Simon Says, Starring Crispin Glover and Margo Harshman

Haha oh god, this movie.  This fucking movie.  My TiVo surprise suggested this and I knew I had to check it out because I saw people on Twitter saying it was super gory.  I'm so happy I did, but it was SO. FREAKING. BAD.  It seriously is gory as hell.  And it was on Chiller - I can only imagine how gory it is uncensored!  I was intrigued enough to put it in my Netflix queue and see, even though I know I won't be able to bribe anyone into watching it with me.  My boyfriend does not appreciate the cheese like I do.

I don't even know where to start.  Crispin Glover, who is a mega douche and prone to temper tantrums at independent movie theaters (nobody will ever forget it, sorry dude), plays murderous hillbilly twins.  And he does it POORLY.  So poorly.  At one point his Southern accent turns into an English accent...like, if you hit an English person on the head and it impacted their speech.  It was terrible.

So it's a group of teenagers who go into the woods for camping and gold mining, and they get slaughtered one by one by these twins.  You might be thinking that's a gem of a concept and can't go wrong.  Oh, but it can.

There's two forms of acting in a horror movie.  There's the acting you pull off when you're being killed, and there's the acting you pull off on the "in-between" times when it's normal dialogue and storyline.  I think pulling off a decent killing scene is harder than normal dialogue, but for some reason the actors in this movie excelled at dying and sucked hard during the storyline.

Aside from the terrible acting, you're overwhelmed with seriously shit-tastic effects.  There's a scene where Crispin Glover stomps a little white dog named Tofu, and it was so bad it reminds me of something I did in 8th grade with MS Paint.  If it wasn't so atrocious you might actually feel bad that he killed a dog, but the sheer atrocity makes it completely unbelievable.  They apparently had a $10 effects budget.

There's one scene where Crispin Glover kills a girl running through the woods with her portable CD player (even though this movie came out in 2006).  He chops off her head, hands and feet, and assembles them on a stump.  As her friends, who have just discovered her, are screaming...the CD player ejects the CD through her mouth.  I laughed so hard.  This 10 second scene is hands down the best part of the entire movie.

This movie was absolutely terrible, but it's so worth the watch just for the laughs you'll get.  And my god is it gory.  But it was so bad my boyfriend took one look and said "hell to the no."  He marched his ass out of the room.  But god, you guys gotta try it.  5/10

Oh and PS: why the hell is Blake Lively's entire family in this movie?  There are 4 Lively's in this movie, and that's 3 too many.  More movies should have Robyn Lively in them, but I don't even remember her in this movie.

Trick 'R Treat

Whorticulture.com Reviews Trick 'r Treat, Starring Brian Cox and Anna Paquin

Last month when I made this post asking for horror movie suggestions (which you should check out), a lot of you suggested Trick 'r Treat.  So I checked it out last night.  And it was awesome!

Quick plot outline: 5 stories interwoven on Halloween night; a mean teenage prank, a principal with a dark secret, a group of hot sluts with an even darker secret, an old man with a haunting past, and a couple who disagree on the awesomeness of the Holiday.  Everything I read said there were only 4 stories, I don't know which two they're combining.  Since this is my review, I'm treating them all individually.

While each of the stories were pretty good, my favorite had to be the teenage prank.  So I'm kind of going to spoil it here to give you a taste of what the stories are like.

You have these 5 teenagers who say they are "collecting jack-o-lanterns for Unicef" when in reality they're collecting them to take them down into a rock quarry as an offering to the poor souls lost in a school bus accident 30 years ago...and make one of the 5 pee their pants.

It's all a prank, however, and they scare the bejeezus out of the poor girl who seems to be a little autistic or something.  But they get theirs, as the souls on the bus come back to life and murder them while the autistic girl gets away.  It was kind of "Are You Afraid of the Dark" but on a darker tip.  Totally loved it!

The boyfriend's favorite tale was the one with the hot sluts.  Go figure.  We couldn't get over how one of the hot sluts, played by Rochelle Aytes, looks exactly like Jaime Pressly if you were playing the "If They Were Black" game.  No, seriously, check it out.

Here's Rochelle Aytes:

And here's Jaime Pressly:

Maybe that's just us, but if you watch the movie let me know if you see it too (spoiler alert: you'll totally see it too).

And last, but certainly not least, was the character Sam.

Sam shows up during every tale, almost like an adorable collector of souls.  The name Sam is short for Samhain, so he's literally the spirit of Halloween.  Get it?  Sigh.  But no, he's legit...even if he is filled with preciousness and pumpkin guts.

I give this movie a 10/10.  There were boobs - I mean, they weren't great or anything, but sometimes it's more quantity than quality.  There were beasts galore.  There was a little blood - it's not the goriest movie ever, but what it does show counts.  I can't recommend this movie enough, and it looks aces in blu ray.

This should totally be included in my list of Best Halloween Movies.

Black Sheep

Whorticulture.com Reviews Black Sheep

Ain't no Chris Farley in this movie.  This was recommended to me by a bunch of you, here we go.

So the first thing I noticed is that my TiVo insisted on calling this movie "shear madness."  Way to turn me off, TiVo.

The first thing I'd like to point out is that this movie was made by the Film Commission of New Zealand.  That means it's serious business.  And you can tell - it's by far the most serious stupid movie I've ever seen.  It's not nearly as cheesy as I would have predicted.  It just had an absolutely painful marketing campaign.

Quick Plot Outline: Genetic Engineering turns sheep into these bloodthirsty killers, and the people who are bitten turn into these weird ass weresheep things.

I was totally eyerolling left and right over the environmental overtones.  Not surprisingly, they go out the window once the sheep start eating faces.  I wanted to shoot that hippie girl (who goes by the name Experience - oh, fuck me sideways) through the first two thirds of the movie.

Here's what a weresheep looks like:

Anyway, they use amniotic fluid to cure the sheep.  That means the weresheep have to drink it.  It's pretty gross.  And I just kept thinking to myself "somebody's fucking those sheep."  And yes, somebody was fucking those sheep.  This is the second movie in a row for me where tragedy befalls a penis.  I don't want to talk about it.

All in all though, it was a pretty solid movie.  The effects were surprisingly good.  The sheep - which were mostly real sheep, except when they were eating faces - were believable, even if they were too cute sometimes to be scary...but I guess that's the crux of the matter, isn't it?  Anyway, pretty outstanding gore as well.  I will say, however, that it's pretty slow to start out with but totally worth it in the end.

I give this movie a 7.5 out of 10.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Blood Sucking Freaks

Whorticulture.com Reviews Blood Sucking Freaks

This past holiday weekend, I subjected myself to a plethora of terrible horror.  Possibly Probably the worst being Blood Sucking Freaks.  A Troma movie to the core - and I do love my Troma movies - but still failed to thrill me.

Quick Plot Outline: You have this guy, Master Sardu, who runs a torture show that the audience mistakenly thinks is fake.  He gets it in his head that he wants to put on an S&M ballet, so he kidnaps a ballet star.  He kills a whole lot of people in between.  Oh, and this is all a cover for the white slavery trade.

It's a terrible plot, and you kind of forget what you're watching after a while.  Unfortunately it reeks of Herschell Gordon Lewis's Wizard of Gore (which is the worst movie I've ever seen), but with WAY more 70's muff, WAY less gore, and a creepy black midget Ralphus (fuck that, we're just calling him Tattoo).  Tattoo does have a wicked fro, I'll give him that.  And he's entertaining.  I like Tattoo. 

Get down with your bad self, Tattoo!

There is some seriously weird shit in this movie.  Sardu uses women for everything, like dinner tables and urinals (thankfully the viewer doesn't witness this, but we certainly hear about it).  He just enjoys torturing them, too, like this scene where he lets a doctor needlessly "operate" on one.  The doctor tells her over and over that he lives with his mother, and that his mother didn't want him to be a dentist, then he kills her and drinks her brains.

Tattoo rides a naked lady like a horse.  You might think that's a sexual reference, and you'd be wrong.  He literally dresses up like a cowboy and rides her.

They use a woman's ass as a dartboard.

They use fingers from their stable of bitches as gambling chips.

Did I mention every single one of these women is naked?  I never thought I'd be sick of looking at naked ladies.  Do a google image search for "Blood Sucking Freaks" and see how many naked ladies you find.  TONS.

The ending is terrible.  I won't spoil how the plot ends (hint: it sucks), but I will spoil that the movie ends with a bunch of feral naked women dancing around with a penis in a sandwich.  You know I had to spoil that.  A big ol' wiener sandwich.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

None of you should watch this movie.  Don't let the wiener sandwich entice you.  If you hated me after making you watch Thankskilling (which is awesome and you can all suck it), you will dream of sweet tasting murder after this steaming pile.  I'll be nice and give it a 3 out of 10.  There's a pretty awesome caning scene (side note: the movie promises Strong Sexual Content yet provides none, unless you count this caning scene), and honestly the acting is pretty believable.  Also, basically everyone in the movie died tragically young and I feel bad about speaking ill of the dead.  But if you find your hand reaching for this terrible selection one day, imagine yourself back in Catholic school and I'm the nun slapping your hand with a ruler. 

Night of the Demons 2

Whorticulture.com Reviews Night of the Demons 2

You know what sucks?  When you've loved a movie for years, then you go back and watch it and realize it sucks.  Case in point, Night of the Demons 2.

Quick plot outline: A new group of rowdy teenagers, this time from Catholic boarding school, go to Hull House for a Halloween party where they meet Angela, our head mistress of horror.

Points of interest: This time one of the teenagers is quiet little Melissa, whom the other students teasingly call "Mouse" and happens to be Angela's little sister.  So we get to hear the story of what happened after that night from the original, and how Angela's parents committed suicide after Angela became Satan's favorite or something.  And yes, that is Christine Taylor up there in the middle.

Anyway, here's why it's terrible:

#1: It veers pretty far from the first one.  Granted, we have the same actress playing Angela, and they return to basically the same house, but there's one major difference.  The demons can be exorcised.  SAY WHAT.  So sweet little Christine Taylor up there gets killed and subsequently possessed by a demon - you know, as they all do - but she's quickly treated with holy water and returns to normal.  SIGH.  Thankfully she's the only one they're able to save.  The other ones just melt.  And that makes no sense.  Oh, and another thing.  Everyone except one guy escapes the house and returns back to school!  One of the girls steals a lipstick (you know, the lipstick) from Hull House, which allows Angela to cross the underground stream (WHAT!?) and start killing people back at the Catholic boarding school.

#2: Christine Taylor doesn't get her boobs out.  SAY WHAT, ENCORE.  Each of the other girls get theirs out.  We have Cristi Harris:

Awesome.

And we have Zoe Trilling (who is super hot in a 90's sort of way):

Deadly boobs.  Extra awesome.

But what do we get of Christine Taylor?  This:

That's right, she's in a bra for most of the movie.  I guess she was in "serious" actor mode back then...but don't you think people want to see the girl from Hey Dude! get 'em out?  It worked for Jessie Spano!  (Side note: it's a little odd when one of the male characters calls her Marcia since this movie came out the year before she played Marcia Brady - oh and her name is Terri.)

Moving on.

#3: The religious overtones are ridiculous.  The power of Christ apparently compelled this movie to suck.  I mean, for God's sake, we have a yard stick wielding, rosary swinging nun who acts like a ninja (and at one point loses her head, but another one pops out from under her habit like a turtle, so does that make her a ninja turtle?  GODDAMMIT LOOK AT THE BAD JOKES THIS MOVIE MAKES ME MAKE) and succeeds in the end with a super soaker filled with holy water.

If anything, this movie tries way too hard to bring you the battle between good and evil.  Nobody wants to see that.  It's a cheesy '90's horror movie.  We don't want Catholic guilt, we want tits and blood!

There are redeeming qualities, don't get me wrong.  The cheese is outstanding - but you wouldn't expect less from a Night of the Demons movie.

These effects sure are "special."

And for some reason, this part freaked me out as a kid:

Yes, that's a demon in a toilet.

The gore is kind of lacking.  There's a pretty great scene where Mouse gets her jaw ripped off by Angela, but I think that's about it.  Unless you count all of the demons melting into pools of guts (it's not as cool as it sounds) or demon-snake Angela exploding (that scene has to be seen to be believed, it's really that fucking terrible).

So all in all I'd give it a 5.  Maybe a 6 if I'm feeling generous.  It's sort of a means to an end - it just serves to get you to Night of the Demons 3.  Except now I'm afraid to watch that one.  Maybe my love affair with the Night of the Demons series will soon come to an end.

I hope not.

Trivia: Zoe Trilling (Shirley) and Amelia Kinkade (Angela) danced together in the movie Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?

Whorticulture.com Wants To Hear From You!  What Horror Movies Would You Suggest?

Since I've started this blog, people come to me all the time for suggestions.  I've even had a few people come up and tell me they've never really watched horror movies and ask for my suggestions on which ones they should watch.  After I stop choking and tuck my eyeballs neatly back into their sockets, I rattle off a list of ten thousand movies I think they should feast on.

So let's play a little game, shall we?  Pretend someone just came up to you and said "I've never seen a horror movie before, which one should I watch?"  Leave as many suggestions as you want in the comments, I'll tally them up later.

Thanks,
Management

Thankskilling

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Thanksgiving Scares

Whorticulture.com Presents: Getting your Thanksgiving Scare on

When your whole family gathers together to celebrate a bountiful harvest, why not show them some Thanksgiving-themed horror movies?  I'm sure the little ones will appreciate it, and so will their parents!  So here's a list of movies you should check out - if you can find them.

#1: Blood Freak

"In this bizarre story, a bodybuilder named Herschel has become a serious marijuana addict. One day, while working on a turkey farm, Herschel consumes contaminated meat, and soon after, his head is transformed into a turkey head. The turkey-headed muscle man still craves his weed, so he gobble-gobbles and attacks other addicts and dealers in order to snag their dope and feed his addiction."

#2: Home Sweet Home

"The Bradley family's country home turns into a slaughterhouse when an escaped mental patient steals a station wagon and shows up on their doorstep in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. Now, instead of the traditional turkey, the Bradleys seem to be the main course on this killer's holiday menu. Jake Steinfeld ("Body by Jake"), Vinessa Shaw, Peter De Paula, Don Edmunds and Charles Hoyes co-star in this early slice of 1980s horror."

#3: Thankskilling

"While on their way home for Thanksgiving break, five college kids run afoul of a homicidal turkey that wants them dead. As the cursed bird hunts them down one by one, the survivors scramble to find a way to defeat the possessed creature. Will the bloodthirsty turkey make this their last Thanksgiving feast ever? Writer-director Jordan Downey's holiday-themed horror spoof features an appearance by adult-film star Wanda Lust."

I saved the worst best for last.  Later today I'll post my review of Thankskilling.

There's also a movie out there called Turkey Monster, but I can't find it for the life of me.  Any of you have better luck?

Upcoming Horror Trailers

I wish I could say that the horror movie season is still alive and well...unfortunately, I can't.  Sadly, we're in the extreme off-season.  All the good stuff came out last month.  The stuff that comes out between now and the new year is the scrap that falls on the floor of a dog food factory.  Sigh.

So here are two new horror movies that are set to hit theaters in the few next months.  Don't say I didn't warn you.

First we have Heartless, which is due on November 19th.  From what I can tell by the trailer, this guy with the hideous birth mark makes a deal with the devil to lose it, thus wacky shenanigans ensue.

Wow, original.

Come on, people.  This is hardly a horror movie.  Just because there are demons doesn't mean it's a horror movie.  This beggar is going to be a chooser and not see this one (unless it's free), k thanks.

Then we have Don't Be Afraid of the Dark, set for early January release.  In this one, a young girl discovers creatures in her new home.  It's based on the 1973 made-for-television movie by the same name.

Yeah, this one looks pretty good.  It has promise.  And then you see fucking Katie Holmes.

I'm torn.  I really like what Guillermo del Toro did with Pan's Labyrinth, BUT IT'S FUCKING KATIE HOLMES.  Honestly, I don't think Katie Holmes can pull off horror.  Like, I'm pretty sure of it. 

And I love how many people are literally terrified at the trailer.  Really?  Man, I'm jealous.  I wish I could be so easily scared.

So, anyway, these are the meager scraps Hollywood is throwing at us.  I guess we'll be sticking to old school horror for a while.  Darren Lynn Bousman's Mother's Day is still too distant on the horizon (with a supposed March 2011 release).  Save your money, but go see Julie Taymor's version of The Tempest.  I'm going to nerd out hard over that.

Horror Rules

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Horror Movie Rules We Live By

Sorry folks, this ain't Scream.  I'm not going to tell you about the nature of killers, or the law of virgins, or any of that because it's obvious and it's trite. These are the horror movie rules I live by.

If it's true that we can create our own realities, then I've decided a few things don't exist in mine.  Any sequels to the Matrix.  The album Chinese Democracy by Guns N' Roses.  The Olsen Twins never turned 18, therefore they never let everyone down (i.e. they're still attractive, albeit jailbait, and never became trainwrecks).  And Nightmare on Elm Street 7 - New Nightmare was never made.

This shit is just terrible.  They could have left off with Freddy's Dead - The Final Nightmare in 1991.  But no, Wes Craven had to ruin everything like he always does.

This movie smacks of effort in the worst ways.  It attempts to blur the lines between reality and film but just comes off kind of stupid.  It gives Freddy real-life agency, but is it real life, or only a movie?  Ugh.  Just...no.  They tried so hard to make it good.  All of the original people are back in duel roles, as themselves AND as their characters, as well as Wes Craven and co. stepping in front of the camera, trying to shove depth down our throats. 

If you're going to have John Saxon in a movie as John Saxon, can't you give us a little karate?  I don't care if he was 60 at the time, I bet he could still whip some shit out.

This movie was so bad, that it actually makes Freddy vs. Jason seem brilliant.

So Freddy uses the kid?  Oh, I didn't know we were remaking NOES 5 - The Dream Child

If the only way to stop him is to make another movie, then just let Freddy kill me now.  I think we're all better off.

More Horror Movie Boobs

Whorticulture.com Presents: More Horror Movie Boobs with the Friday the 13th Remake

You guys apparently love the posts I've made about boobs!  You can see them here:
- Best Boobs in a Horror Movie
- Best Use of Boobs in a Horror Movie

So let's keep the discussion going.  There's one scene in particular I'd like to discuss.  It's the sex scene in the Friday the 13th remake, between Julianna Guill and Travis Van Winkle.  Now let me tell you something.  That girl's rack is spectacular.

It's a shame I have to add lightning bolts.

I'm even going to ignore the arms-over-head move that Nik Richie of TheDirty.com taught me to look for (this blog is DA for life). And, you know, a rack like that deserves to be appreciated. 

But Travis Van Winkle's character, Trent, totally ruins this scene with his ridiculous dialogue.  He keeps saying shit like "Your tits are stupendous," and "you've got perfect nipple placement, baby."  The absolute worst is "your tits are so juicy, dude!"  Who the fuck says that!?  That might be the worst line in a horror movie, ever.

So, unfortunately, Julianna Guill's incredible sweater puppies are now forever tainted.  That movie had 4 writers!  Why wasn't one of them smart enough to nix that shit?

The Friday the 13th remake is decent, though.  It doesn't really stand up as a remake, but it stands up as a sequel.  That's the problem I have with the Friday the 13th franchise.  They're all pretty good, but none of them really stand out to me.  I never remember who is in which sequel, except for Jason Takes Manhattan or Jason X (you know, that one in space with a robot - yeah, I don't know who thought that was a good idea, either).  I know the Frog Brother himself, Corey Feldman, is in 2 of them, but I couldn't tell you which 2 without having to think about it for a minute.  The kills all run together except for a few, and those stand out as some of the best of all time.

Speaking of which, the remake has a pretty good kill in it: America Olivo, hanging upside down in a sleeping bag over a fire.  Not bad at all, but it happens way in the beginning.  Then there's some weird shit about Jason keeping people in an underground lair.  After that it pretty much lost me.

But hey, as far as the 3 B's go, it ain't half bad.

As always, your thoughts are appreciated.

The Most WTF Movie I've Ever Seen

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Most WTF Movie I've Ever Seen

This is one of my favorite horror movies to talk about or to force people to watch.  It's not for the faint of heart, nor is it for people with weak stomachs.  I don't know a single person who has seen this, except for the guy who showed me and the people I've made watch it.  But apparently people have, because the internet is filled with chatter about it if you look hard enough.  It's almost impossible to find.  I requested it for months at my local video store and was the first to rent it once they got it.  Since then they've removed it from their shelves and told me I'm no longer allowed to request movies.  Pussies.

Anyway!  I present to you: Nekromantik

Directed by Jörg Buttgereit, starring Bernd Lorenz and Beatrice Manowski.  It's a super-8, EXTREMELY low budget German movie from 1987. 

So here's the basic plot.  You have our buddy Robert (Lorenz), who works for a street cleaning agency.  His job is basically to clean up car accidents.  Robert is a really hard worker who can't help but take his work home with him.  He even brings his girlfriend (Manowski) home presents!  What a super guy!  So he brings his girlfriend home a corpse, she has sex with it, and then leaves poor Robert for the corpse!

I can imagine your faces.  I KNOW, RIGHT?!  And the awesome thing is that you probably think that's as fucked up as it gets!  OH, BUT IT'S NOT!

There are some really hilariously fucked up things about this movie.

#1: The sex scene with the corpse.  I tried very hard to find an appropriate picture of this that wasn't revolting.  This is the best I could come up with:

Oh god, can you handle it!?  I don't think you can!  Yes, she's using a broom.  And yes, she's making it wear a condom.  WOULDN'T YOU MAKE A CORPSE WEAR A CONDOM!?  I thought so.  I just...oh my.  So the love scene is forcibly romantic.  I'm not kidding.  If you forgot it was a dead body, it would be a really sweet and touching love scene.  That shit is downright romantic!

IMDB doesn't list a budget for this movie, so I'm going to guess and say that it couldn't have cost more than $10,000 to make.  In fact, $10,000 seems HIGH.  But most of the budget must have been spent on the corpse, because it's a pretty realistic looking corpse.

So anyway, poor Robert is left all alone.  Beatrice leaves him a note, which says "Left for good.  Took the corpse."  NOT KIDDING.  This makes Robert very sad.  This leads us to our next hilariously fucked-up scene.

#2: Robert, being sad and alone, decides to get a prostitute.  I mean, obviously, right?  And where does he take her?  Why, the cemetery, of course!  Except Robert is so sad that he suffers from a little erectile dysfunction.  It happens!  It's no reason to laugh at him!  Except that's what we do, we laugh at him.  And the prostitute laughs at him.  So he kills her.  But good news!  This solves his erectile dysfunction problem!  And the happy couple make snu-snu on a grave.

Unfortunately, Robert is roused in the morning by an unhappy grave keeper.

This poor guy can't catch a break!  So he takes the shovel and cuts the grave keeper's head off.

The blood squirts out like a fountain in a horribly cheesy way.  And the tongue flaps.  It's a pretty good death scene though, even if it is total cheese.  Total aces

And that was my favorite part of the movie.

So then Robert goes home, spends some quality time with his cat (this is a scene not for animal lovers - no, he doesn't have sex with his cat or anything.  Geez, you sickos!), spends some quality time alone, and the movie is over.

AND THERE'S A SEQUEL.

I haven't ever seen the sequel.  Let me tell you, when I first saw this movie I wanted to vomit for 3 days straight.  The ending seriously messed with my head!  I've watched it since then, and it's not so bad when you notice how cheap everything looks, or how poor the effects are.  But that first time?  Dear god!

You have no idea how difficult it is not to spoil this movie.  The ending certainly deserves to be discussed.  It's sort of...revoltingly tragic.

I've heard all kinds of rumors about this movie.  The one I hear the most is that it was a film school project, and the director got kicked out of film school for it.  While that is a testament to how truly fucked this movie is (I mean, it's gotta be to get you kicked out of film school!), I don't think it's true.  But I don't know, it could be.  All I know is that I show this movie to people when I'm trying to ruin parts of their brain forever.

I think you should watch this movie if you have the chance, just to say you survived it.  This is a badge of honor.

If you have seen it, please leave a comment!  Or if you think there's a movie more WTF than this, please leave a comment!

Best Of: Best Horror Movie Lines - RESULTS

Whorticulture.com Presents: Your Votes for Best Horror Movie Line

And the results are:

Poor "Audition" got 0 votes!  Boo!

"You know that part in scary movies when somebody does something really stupid and everyone hates them for it? This is it." - Jeepers Creepers – 2 votes (7%)

"Ok you Primitive Screwheads, listen up! You see this? This... is my boomstick! The 12-gauge double-barreled Remington. S-Mart's top of the line." - Army of Darkness – 3 votes (10%)

"When there's no more room in Hell, the dead will walk the Earth." – 4 votes (14%)

"Your mother sucks cocks in Hell." - The Exorcist – 9 votes (32%)

And the winner is:

"We like to get fucked up and do fucked up shit." - House of 1000 Corpses – 10 votes (35%)

 YEAH, I BET YOU DO!

That was close, bitches!

Thanks for voting, and check out our new poll: What kind of Halloween costume do you prefer?

Paranormal Activity 2

Whorticulture.com reviews Paranormal Activity 2

I want to start this review by saying my boyfriend HATED Paranormal Activity.  Hated it with three snaps in a Z formation.  He thought it was boring and stupid, and he ridiculed me for having him watch it.  Read our review of it here.  But wouldn't you know it, that boy GRIPPED me during Paranormal Activity 2.  As I type this, I'm working the pain out of my left hand from him squeezing it in fright.

Okay, now that I've thoroughly embarrassed him, I'll tell you a little about the film.  As you can tell from the previews, it brings back Katie (and Micah) from the original.  The sequel acts as prequel AND synchronous - it begins about 6 weeks before the original and continues until the day after the original ends.  It follows Katie's sister, her husband, and two children and gives a lot of explanation into the first.  It even kind of explains why they have a demon following them in the first place, although that scenario is shaky at best.

So I loved it.  I've been home for about 30 minutes and I'm still kind of freaked out.  But my concern is that the true terror comes from seeing it in a theater.  The scares are mostly loud noises (about 99% of them fall into this category), and I think the scare would be lost in a home viewing.  The audience screamed together, laughed together (it was surprisingly funny), and literally tensed up together.  As soon as the scene changed to one of the night shots, I heard people take a deep breath or whisper "oh god" in preparation for another scare.  Normally this would have bugged the hell out of me.  I freaking loathe when girls scream at movies.  While I didn't scream along with them, it all seemed to fit and I didn't mind it so much.

While most of the scares were loud noises, which I normally find cheap, I want to embarrass myself a little here and tell you that one of them scared me so bad I literally almost threw up.  I didn't just jump, I curled into a ball.  The guy next to me spent most of the movie in a ball, with his hands covering his face, and whimpering.  I found that hilarious.  But yes, I almost threw up.  And I would have been mortified had I vomited, so thankfully I contained that mess.

I won't give away the ending, but I will say that in comparison to the rest of the movie it was kind of weak.

Also, that whole "What happened to Hunter?" thing written in the carpet isn't in the movie, so don't expect to see it.  I discussed the teasers and the trailers with a lot of people, and that part always stood out to them.  But it does make sense that it wasn't in the film.

Anyway, go see it.  I give it a 8.5/10, deducting points for the weak ending and the cheap (although very well orchestrated) scares.  Just go see it in the theater.  Don't bitch at me when it's not as scary at home because I totally warned you.

Oh, and I want to give a shout out to 101.5 JAMZ for putting on an excellent show.