The Hazing Review

Whorticulture Reviews The Hazing

Tonight I watched The Hazing, starring Brad Dourif (the voice of Chucky from Child's Play) and my homegirl BFF (read: I met her once and she signed a DVD of the Night of the Demons remake) Tiffany Shepis.  Tiffany Shepis is pretty much the best modern day scream queen, so big shout out to her.  When your dear old Uncle Eddie was just a little girl, she dreamed of growing up and doing terrible, bloody, tits-out horror movies like this. 

Anyway, this movie is about a group of sorority & fraternity pledges stuck overnight in a house with the evil spirit of their professor who possesses them and murders them one by one. 

Okay let's be honest.  It's pretty fucking bad.  The acting is pretty lousy for the most part.  Brad Dourif isn't great in it.  Tiffany Shepis is probably the best.  It's fairly reminiscent of The Telling which was a huge steaming pile.  And it's all kinds a bastardization of the original Night of the Demons.  There are so many similarities I can't even.

HOWEVER!

It's actually a pretty fun romp.  It's bloody, it's got a delightful amount of boobs.  The story line sucks pretty hard but it's entertaining.  So congratulations, it's so bad it's good!

There are some stand-out moments - like watching a possessed tongue perform oral sex on Nectar Rose.  Come on, that's pretty quality.  That's some Re-Animator shit right there.

You might look this up on IMDB and see that Brooke Burke is credited second but don't get your hopes up.  Bitch dies in the first three minutes.  OF COURSE SHE DOES.

Go ahead and watch this if you're bored.  It's pretty fucking dumb, and you might hate me for it, but I liked it. 

6/10

V/H/S

Whorticulture reviews V/H/S

V/H/S is an anthology of found footage videos, each depicting some kind of horrible death, strung together by a story about petty crooks robbing an old dead guy.

So basically, these thieves are paid by an unknown source to steal a rare tape, but they have to watch all of the tapes to know which one is the right one.  They choose to do this in a room where they've found a dead guy in a chair because hey, wouldn't you? 

The first one we get is Amateur Night, and it's pretty good. 
We meet three huge douchebags who have spy glasses and a plan.  What could go wrong in picking up some drunk chicks from a bar, having sex with them (while wearing the spy glasses), then selling the tape to an amateur porn company?  Let's shake it up by picking up the creepiest girl there - and her hot slutty friend, which is a bonus.  It's got the trio - boobs, blood, and beasts.  This one is probably my favorite.

Next we watch Second Honeymoon. 
Pretty self explanatory; a couple on second honeymoon in the wild, wild west.  I can't really go much farther without ruining the whole thing.  This one gets a C+.  The gore was decent, but the story wasn't really that great and had a lot of filler.  The ending was stupid and kind of killed the whole thing.  It was about as scary as an episode of Snapped.

Tuesday the 17th 
Okay honestly, if I would have known that was the title before I watched it, it would have ruined the whole thing.  As you might imagine from the truly asinine title, a group of teenagers go camping at a lake and get murdered.  Title aside though, it was pretty good.  The acting was sub-par but the gore was delightful.  You guys know I'm down for the cheese so this one was definitely pleasing.  One thing though: the girl who runs back to the killer once he's fallen to ask him questions?  YOU DESERVED TO DIE.

The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger
I can't even with this one.  Fucking what?  Aliens?  I don't care.  A moderate level of gore - enough to make you uncomfortable.  I thought it was a ghost story.  That would have been better.  Oh, boobs though.  Pretty sad boobs couldn't make this one better.  Sorry, Joe Swanberg, this one is bad and you should feel bad.

10/31/98
A group of guys going to a Halloween party find some sick shit going on in an empty house.  No gore and no boobs, but a story that was interesting as hell.  Also really fantastic effects that made it suspenseful and fun.  This is the only one that could have been made into a successful full length motion picture.  Second favorite of the bunch.

After each of these, we go back to the frame narrative of the criminals invading the house, although I found their story (credited as Tape 56) boring.  And that's how V/H/S leaves us.

I don't know if I can recommend this to you guys or not.  It's so uneven.  I guess I will because the ones that are good are really pretty good and you should see them, but the ones that are bad make you sad you wasted your time.  I don't even really know how to rate this.  Giving it a low rating isn't fair to the ones that were so good.  Second Honeymoon was so middle ground and I'm pretty much going to have to ask for my 15 minutes back on that alien bullshit.  So let's see...

6.9/10

I'm sorry, I can't give it a 7.  But take the time to watch it and tell me what you think.

Trick 'R Treat

Whorticulture.com Reviews Trick 'r Treat, Starring Brian Cox and Anna Paquin

Last month when I made this post asking for horror movie suggestions (which you should check out), a lot of you suggested Trick 'r Treat.  So I checked it out last night.  And it was awesome!

Quick plot outline: 5 stories interwoven on Halloween night; a mean teenage prank, a principal with a dark secret, a group of hot sluts with an even darker secret, an old man with a haunting past, and a couple who disagree on the awesomeness of the Holiday.  Everything I read said there were only 4 stories, I don't know which two they're combining.  Since this is my review, I'm treating them all individually.

While each of the stories were pretty good, my favorite had to be the teenage prank.  So I'm kind of going to spoil it here to give you a taste of what the stories are like.

You have these 5 teenagers who say they are "collecting jack-o-lanterns for Unicef" when in reality they're collecting them to take them down into a rock quarry as an offering to the poor souls lost in a school bus accident 30 years ago...and make one of the 5 pee their pants.

It's all a prank, however, and they scare the bejeezus out of the poor girl who seems to be a little autistic or something.  But they get theirs, as the souls on the bus come back to life and murder them while the autistic girl gets away.  It was kind of "Are You Afraid of the Dark" but on a darker tip.  Totally loved it!

The boyfriend's favorite tale was the one with the hot sluts.  Go figure.  We couldn't get over how one of the hot sluts, played by Rochelle Aytes, looks exactly like Jaime Pressly if you were playing the "If They Were Black" game.  No, seriously, check it out.

Here's Rochelle Aytes:

And here's Jaime Pressly:

Maybe that's just us, but if you watch the movie let me know if you see it too (spoiler alert: you'll totally see it too).

And last, but certainly not least, was the character Sam.

Sam shows up during every tale, almost like an adorable collector of souls.  The name Sam is short for Samhain, so he's literally the spirit of Halloween.  Get it?  Sigh.  But no, he's legit...even if he is filled with preciousness and pumpkin guts.

I give this movie a 10/10.  There were boobs - I mean, they weren't great or anything, but sometimes it's more quantity than quality.  There were beasts galore.  There was a little blood - it's not the goriest movie ever, but what it does show counts.  I can't recommend this movie enough, and it looks aces in blu ray.

This should totally be included in my list of Best Halloween Movies.

Night of the Demons 2

Whorticulture.com Reviews Night of the Demons 2

You know what sucks?  When you've loved a movie for years, then you go back and watch it and realize it sucks.  Case in point, Night of the Demons 2.

Quick plot outline: A new group of rowdy teenagers, this time from Catholic boarding school, go to Hull House for a Halloween party where they meet Angela, our head mistress of horror.

Points of interest: This time one of the teenagers is quiet little Melissa, whom the other students teasingly call "Mouse" and happens to be Angela's little sister.  So we get to hear the story of what happened after that night from the original, and how Angela's parents committed suicide after Angela became Satan's favorite or something.  And yes, that is Christine Taylor up there in the middle.

Anyway, here's why it's terrible:

#1: It veers pretty far from the first one.  Granted, we have the same actress playing Angela, and they return to basically the same house, but there's one major difference.  The demons can be exorcised.  SAY WHAT.  So sweet little Christine Taylor up there gets killed and subsequently possessed by a demon - you know, as they all do - but she's quickly treated with holy water and returns to normal.  SIGH.  Thankfully she's the only one they're able to save.  The other ones just melt.  And that makes no sense.  Oh, and another thing.  Everyone except one guy escapes the house and returns back to school!  One of the girls steals a lipstick (you know, the lipstick) from Hull House, which allows Angela to cross the underground stream (WHAT!?) and start killing people back at the Catholic boarding school.

#2: Christine Taylor doesn't get her boobs out.  SAY WHAT, ENCORE.  Each of the other girls get theirs out.  We have Cristi Harris:

Awesome.

And we have Zoe Trilling (who is super hot in a 90's sort of way):

Deadly boobs.  Extra awesome.

But what do we get of Christine Taylor?  This:

That's right, she's in a bra for most of the movie.  I guess she was in "serious" actor mode back then...but don't you think people want to see the girl from Hey Dude! get 'em out?  It worked for Jessie Spano!  (Side note: it's a little odd when one of the male characters calls her Marcia since this movie came out the year before she played Marcia Brady - oh and her name is Terri.)

Moving on.

#3: The religious overtones are ridiculous.  The power of Christ apparently compelled this movie to suck.  I mean, for God's sake, we have a yard stick wielding, rosary swinging nun who acts like a ninja (and at one point loses her head, but another one pops out from under her habit like a turtle, so does that make her a ninja turtle?  GODDAMMIT LOOK AT THE BAD JOKES THIS MOVIE MAKES ME MAKE) and succeeds in the end with a super soaker filled with holy water.

If anything, this movie tries way too hard to bring you the battle between good and evil.  Nobody wants to see that.  It's a cheesy '90's horror movie.  We don't want Catholic guilt, we want tits and blood!

There are redeeming qualities, don't get me wrong.  The cheese is outstanding - but you wouldn't expect less from a Night of the Demons movie.

These effects sure are "special."

And for some reason, this part freaked me out as a kid:

Yes, that's a demon in a toilet.

The gore is kind of lacking.  There's a pretty great scene where Mouse gets her jaw ripped off by Angela, but I think that's about it.  Unless you count all of the demons melting into pools of guts (it's not as cool as it sounds) or demon-snake Angela exploding (that scene has to be seen to be believed, it's really that fucking terrible).

So all in all I'd give it a 5.  Maybe a 6 if I'm feeling generous.  It's sort of a means to an end - it just serves to get you to Night of the Demons 3.  Except now I'm afraid to watch that one.  Maybe my love affair with the Night of the Demons series will soon come to an end.

I hope not.

Trivia: Zoe Trilling (Shirley) and Amelia Kinkade (Angela) danced together in the movie Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

More Horror Movie Boobs

Whorticulture.com Presents: More Horror Movie Boobs with the Friday the 13th Remake

You guys apparently love the posts I've made about boobs!  You can see them here:
- Best Boobs in a Horror Movie
- Best Use of Boobs in a Horror Movie

So let's keep the discussion going.  There's one scene in particular I'd like to discuss.  It's the sex scene in the Friday the 13th remake, between Julianna Guill and Travis Van Winkle.  Now let me tell you something.  That girl's rack is spectacular.

It's a shame I have to add lightning bolts.

I'm even going to ignore the arms-over-head move that Nik Richie of TheDirty.com taught me to look for (this blog is DA for life). And, you know, a rack like that deserves to be appreciated. 

But Travis Van Winkle's character, Trent, totally ruins this scene with his ridiculous dialogue.  He keeps saying shit like "Your tits are stupendous," and "you've got perfect nipple placement, baby."  The absolute worst is "your tits are so juicy, dude!"  Who the fuck says that!?  That might be the worst line in a horror movie, ever.

So, unfortunately, Julianna Guill's incredible sweater puppies are now forever tainted.  That movie had 4 writers!  Why wasn't one of them smart enough to nix that shit?

The Friday the 13th remake is decent, though.  It doesn't really stand up as a remake, but it stands up as a sequel.  That's the problem I have with the Friday the 13th franchise.  They're all pretty good, but none of them really stand out to me.  I never remember who is in which sequel, except for Jason Takes Manhattan or Jason X (you know, that one in space with a robot - yeah, I don't know who thought that was a good idea, either).  I know the Frog Brother himself, Corey Feldman, is in 2 of them, but I couldn't tell you which 2 without having to think about it for a minute.  The kills all run together except for a few, and those stand out as some of the best of all time.

Speaking of which, the remake has a pretty good kill in it: America Olivo, hanging upside down in a sleeping bag over a fire.  Not bad at all, but it happens way in the beginning.  Then there's some weird shit about Jason keeping people in an underground lair.  After that it pretty much lost me.

But hey, as far as the 3 B's go, it ain't half bad.

As always, your thoughts are appreciated.

Night of the Demons (2009)

Whorticulture.com reviews Night of the Demons (2009), starring Shannon Elizabeth and the guy who ate Edward Furlong

The closing night event at the International Horror and Sci Fi Film Festival was the remake of possibly my favorite horror movie ever, Night of the Demons.

I didn't really know what to expect from it, I just wanted lots of boobs and gore.  I wasn't thrilled with Shannon Elizabeth playing Angela...but I was willing to overlook it.  Plus, Tiffany Shepis was going to be there.  Granted, she only has about 4 minutes of screen time (she plays Diana, the door bitch who steals all the money and books it out ALIVE when the cops come).  She's in a bunch of my favorite Troma movies, so I was pretty jazzed.

The movie is EXCELLENT.  It's not very close to the original.  First off, this new mansion they're in wasn't ever a funeral home.  The background story isn't nearly as cool as the one in the original - this one is about some woman pining for a man to love her and basically calls upon the help of some demons who (gasp) trick her.  These demons were kicked out of Hell and now seek to take over the world by possessing 7 people on Halloween night.  Okay, so it's not Shakespeare, but it doesn't really matter.  We just want tits and blood!

Dear God, did we get a lot of tits and blood.  Not even Shannon Elizabeth's tits, which I was personally grateful for.  We get both Diora Baird and Bobbi Sue Luther's tits, which are excellent.  We get demon anal rape (Tiffany Shepis seemed extra excited about that one - and it was pretty awesome).  We get a chick's tits and face being ripped off.  We even get a cameo from Linnea Quigley (this basically made the movie for me right there) basically bringing her character Suzanne back from the dead just to warm my heart.

Oh, AND we get a tribute to Linnea Quigley's cinematic masterpiece - the lipstick scene.  Check out my previous post on that here. 

The remake captured the pure cheese essence of the original, but brought it up to date for more modern audiences.  I could have gone without seeing Edward Furlong - or really, the guy who ATE Edward Furlong in all of his bloated New Jersey Housewife glory.  That poor bastard.

Anyway, it comes out on DVD and Blu ray tomorrow (October 19th), so PLEASE check this one out!  Thankfully I already picked mine up - complete with an autograph from Tiffany Shepis.  It's a really fun time.  And if you haven't, GODDAMMIT go pick up the original!  You are missing cinema brilliance with that one!

I give the remake an 8/10.  It's pure cheese, and it's got the 3 B's (boobs, blood, and beasts)!