Whorticulture.com Reviews The Telling
Three girls are pledging the strictest sorority on campus, and because of the suicide of a pledge last year, these hopefuls have to regale their prospective sisters with scary stories.
With a premise like that, how could it possibly go wrong?
I can't believe I sat through an hour and 15 minutes of this garbage. I'm not totally to blame - my cable is out today and this has been sitting on my TiVo for a few months. Still, I'd like my hour and 15 minutes back, please.
The big draw to this movie is that it stars Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, Hef's former squeezes and girls who have certainly been eye candy to yours truly. Their acting skills are about half a step up from poo floating in a pool...no, wait, that's not really fair to the poo. Their acting skills are ON PAR with poo floating in a pool. Holly stars as the head bitch of the sorority. It's much better if you mute the television and just stare at her rack. Bridget is the star of story number 2, which is by far the worst story (her lack of acting skill, or "lackting" plays a fairly sizable role in the suckage, but you can't discount that the story is just. fucking. stupid).
The first story is about an evil, possessive doll. It was kind of like watching Christine if you had a massive head injury. The doll is in love with the guy and kills anyone who comes between them. It is a total snoozefest.
The second story, the one with Bridget, is about a movie star who takes "the last role on Earth" and turns out to be filming for the undead. Or something. It really doesn't matter, you're just happy when it's over. Oh but you do get to see a topless Christine Nguyen, the only tits this film has to offer.
The third story had the most suspense, which is to say on a scale of 1 -10 it was about a 3. These three girls make a prank phone call and hear someone being murdered, then the killer comes and picks them off one by one. This story also has a scene with a cable guy literally smearing one of the girl's panties all over his face. This 15 seconds was the best of the entire film. At least it was funny.
So then you come back to the sorority, where SURPRISE! They aren't really picking any of these girls, they've been hiding two behind a curtain this whole time! And again, you don't really care. Oh, and the sorority girls have all been poisoned. Whatever, all I could think about was the true blessing of this atrocity being over in two minutes. Their death scenes are terrible and drawn out, and you have to wonder if they've ever even seen a horror movie where somebody dies. I'm going to guess NO.
I'm not even going to rate this movie. I'm just going to give it an F minus. You could hand a bunch of third graders the script for Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, and what they present you would be a million times better than this movie.
I hate you, The Telling.
