Best and Worst of 2011

The Best and the Absolute Bullshit Worst Horror Movies of 2011

The best horror movie I saw this year...well, the best horror movie I saw this year was Rec 2.  But that came out in 2009.  So the best horror movie of 2011 was FRIGHT NIGHT.

A remake!?  I know!  But it was good and if you saw it, you know it.  I found Colin Farrell's performance surprisingly good, but I really enjoyed David Tennant as vampire hunter/poser Peter Vincent.  It's not that I have anything against David Tennant - my husband is a Blue Box Wholigan from way back.  But he's got the most annoying fan base ever.  I've watched my husband be accosted by angry 14 year old's just for wearing a shirt with a TARDIS on it.  "David Tennant is MINE!" they scream.  Yes, I'm sure he is.  I'm sure he's really into 14 year old's.

In any case, the only complaint I have is McLovin Christopher Mintz-Plasse.  It's not his fault I guess, but his comedic vampire schtick was unnecessary and out of place.  But whatever, it still wins BEST HORROR FILM OF 2011.

As always there were some serious stinkers in 2011.  I feel like Hollywood thinks that scaring teenagers is like shooting fish in a barrel, and that's about the level of effort they put in.  But I'm going to say the worst horror movie of 2011 was DREAM HOUSE because it broke every rule for a good horror movie.  And BIG FUCKING SHOCK, IT SUCKED.  I mean, who came up with that idea?  Let's remake a movie we've all seen 10,000 times, but we'll put in big names, because THAT'LL WORK.  God I hate you.

So let's just forget about that bullshit and look ahead to 2012.  We'll see:
- Ghostbusters 3
- World War Z
- Darren Lynn Bousman's Mother's Day (see, Darren?  I know we've had our differences, and you were a dick to me when I cared more about meeting Bill Moseley and discussing House of 1000 Corpses than kissing your ass over Repo! The Genetic Opera, but I'm still really looking forward to your Mother's Day adaptation)
- Halloween 3D (yeah I don't know either you guys)
- The Lords of Salem (which, at least, has intriguing casting, and my homeboy Ken Foree is in it!)
- Child's Play remake (mhmm)
- Thanksgiving (based on the Grindhouse trailer - but nothing will ever top the classic Thankskilling)

So what were your best & worst horror movies of 2011?  What are you looking forward to in 2012?

Best Of: Best Twist in a Horror Movie

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Twist in a Horror Movie

Caution: This post is going to contain a major spoiler.  I recommend you not read the ending if you haven't seen the film.  DON'T RUIN THIS FOR YOURSELF.

This one is just too easy.  Of course it's the 1983 thriller Sleepaway Camp, starring Felissa Rose and Jonathan Tiersten. 

One of these things isn't like the other...or is it?

So let's get into the plot.  What you have here is a poor girl named Angela who loses her father & brother in a boating accident, and goes to live with her dear Aunt Martha and cousin Ricky.  Ricky and Angela head off to Camp Arawak, where the campers keep dying off.  It's hard for Angela to make friends because she's quiet and would rather hang out by herself than participate.  This really pisses off the camp slut, Judy.

Go curl your hair, Judy.

But Angela does make one very special friend, a boy named Paul.

Young love has never been so creepy.

So, yeah.  One by one people start dropping like flies.  Here we see what happens to Judy's buddy, the bitchy counselor (who is fucking the damn-near elderly camp owner Mel, wtf is up with that!?)

She's gonna be late for your date, Mel.

And then Mel eats it, too.

What?  That totally looks real.

And yeah, Judy gets it too.  But that part is so awesome I almost don't want to ruin it for you.  Of course I will, but only after the cut.  So who's the killer?  Think you know?

Angela says DON'T READ PAST THE CUT IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE MOVIE!

Best Of: Best Kills in the Nightmare on Elm Street Series

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Kills in the Nightmare on Elm Street Series

Oh NOES, how I love thee.  Let me count the ways, in my new Slaughter Series.

#1: Johnny Depp

I guess you shoulda stayed awake, Johnny.  Sucked into the bed, the bed vomits a copious amount of blood.  What could be better?  There's even a special deleted scene that shows Johnny slipping back out, covered in blood.  I think they should have kept it - it's pretty creepy.

Trivia: Did you know this scene went totally awry?  The room spinner went haywire, flipping the room rightside-up and covering the crew with blood.

#2: The Birds

NOES 2: Freddy's Revenge.  Not the best in the series.  It totally strays from the formula - Freddy possesses a kid, and comes into the real world to kill.  Also, it's incredibly homoerotic.  One of the characters - the Coach - is killed when balls fly at his head, and he's towel-whipped to death in the shower.  On his bare ass.  Sigh.  Don't even get me started on the dance scene.

So why did I choose the birds?  It's the scene that always stood out to me.  It's sort of comical, in a terrible way.  And the other kills are pretty lackluster.

#3: The Vein Puppet

NOES 3: The Dream Warriors.  Killing kids in a psych hospital is like shooting fish in a barrel.  Luckily, Freddy pulls it off with some style.  Think about this for a moment: Freddy rips the veins from this kid's arm, and uses him as a marionette.  That's pretty hardcore.

I know lots of people think that the killer TV is the best kill in this movie.  I have major problems with it. 

Granted, the line "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!" is quality, but why didn't anybody question how she got up there to slam her head into the TV?

Trivia: Did you know the line "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!" was total ad-lib by Robert Englund?  Yet another reason he's my dream lover. 

#4: Wanna Suck Face?

NOES 4: The Dream Master.  By far my favorite of the series, basically because of this one scene.  And no, not just because I want Freddy to suck face with me.  Okay, maybe a little.  But it's great kill after great kill.

Poor little Sheila.  All she wanted to do was study.

True facts.

#5: How to Feed a Model.

NOES 5: The Dream Child.  Freddy is a real humanitarian.  Here he is, fighting anorexia.  Oh, Freddy, what will you think of next?  Anyway, I don't know what he's feeding her, but it's seriously foul.  You're gagging, she's gagging, it's a good time.

I think you might have over done it, Freddy

#6: Now You're Playing with Power

NOES 6: Freddy's Dead The Final Nightmare.  I know, I know.  The line "Now you're playing with power!" is kind of terrible.  TERRIBLY AWESOME.  Come on, he's killing a kid (Breckin Meyer) in a video game.  And, really, the other kills in this movie aren't that great.  What is great, however, is that this movie has Roseanne and Tom Arnold in it, playing two crazy inhabitants of Springwood, Ohio.

He took our babies!

And don't forget a cameo from  the star of our #1 spot, Johnny Depp!

This is your brain.

That's right, direct off the set of Edward Scissorhands, Johnny Depp returns for a 30 second spot, only to be hit in the face with a frying pan.  Damn dude, Freddy got you twice!

#7: N/A

This movie does not exist to me.  Read this to find out more.

#8: What Jason Did

Freddy vs. Jason.  I guess this kind of counts, since Jason is under Freddy's control and doing his bidding, right?  Right?  Well, whatever, it's an awesome kill.  I remember jumping pretty hard and feeling pretty uncomfortable in the theater.  HE BENT THE GUY IN HALF.  BACKWARDS.  I mean, the guy deserved it.  But come on!

And these are the ways I love NOES.  Agree?  Disagree?  Let me know!

Best Of: Best Zombie iPhone Apps

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Zombie iPhone Apps

Warning: both of these games are horrendously addicting!

First up, we have Plants vs. Zombies by PopCap Games:

I seriously can't stop playing.  I've only had it about 2 weeks and I'm almost through Adventure mode the 2nd time.

The Point of the Game: You plant different plants in your yard that protect your house from zombies.
How You Lose: The zombies eat your plants and get to your house, where they eat your brains.

Those zombies are tricksy sonsabitches.

Secondly, we have Zombieville USA by Mika Mobile:

This game is so much fun.  You can even play as an evil clown or a ninja (but the cop is my favorite).

The Point of the Game: You march through town with your various weapons, murdering zombies and looting houses.
How You Lose: The zombies murder you instead.

Holy Shit!  Zombie mob!

Enjoy, clowns!

Best Of: Best Way to Spend October in Phoenix - Zombie Prom

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Way to Spend October/Halloween in Phoenix - Zombie Prom

I don't know about you guys, but I'm a grown woman and I wish I could go to another prom.  Except I don't want any douchebag high school kids there.  And I want to be able to drink.  And I wouldn't mind if it was filled with the rotting flesh of the undead.

And that's why living in Phoenix kicks ass, because every year we have a Zombie Prom!

I've gone in years past, but I sadly won't be able to make it this year.  As you might know, my boyfriend's cat needs surgery so I can't afford a prom dress, or the fake blood/wounds to go with it.  And I'm sorry, I'm just not dedicated enough to let my pet zombie gnaw a chunk out of my face.  I know, I suck.

But let me tell you, it's always a great time.  And probably the best thing about Zombie Prom is that you get your picture taken like it's a real prom.  I still have all my old pictures, but I'm not about to give up my secret identity.  So I'll just show you guys one that I found online.

So if you live in Phoenix, check this one out.  I personally attest that it's an awesome evening.  And who knows, you might win Zombie Prom Queen!  That's better than winning it in High School and you know it.

Best Of: Best Literary Adaptation

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Horror Movie Adaptation of a Book

Yeah, so I'm a big book nerd.  I love to read, and I'll read almost anything I can get my hands on.  But you guys know as well as I do that the WORST movies come from books, especially books you love.  So this post goes out to all my fellow book nerds out there.  These are the two literary adaptations that won't steer you wrong.

#1: John W. Campbell Jr.'s "Who Goes There?"

It's one of the best science fiction short stories I've ever read.  You can probably find it on the internet somewhere.  You may also recognize it as John Carpenter's The Thing.

I love The Thing.  For one thing, it's sticks very close to Campbell's short story.  The suspense is freaking CRAZY.  Secondly, although the special effects might be a little outdated, they're still pretty quality.  And creepy.  Oh, and third: A. Wilford Brimley.  That's all I need to say.

If you're not into reading but you haven't seen the movie, check it out.  It's close enough to the short story that I can forgive you.  Plus, ya know, it's a great movie.

I was going to stick with just this one, but I feel like I have to say something about this next one.

#2: Stephen King's The Stand

Okay, so I don't usually read Stephen King.  But I remember watching the miniseries with my grandparents as a kid and completely falling in love with it.  One day I got bored and decided to check it out on IMDB to see what people were saying about it.  I was really surprised to see a lot of disgruntled comments, saying that it wasn't cast properly or that it wasn't, you know, accurate enough or whatever.  So I decided to read it for myself.

I don't get it.  Maybe they have issues with the fact that a lot of big names are in this movie - like Rob Lowe, Gary Sinise, Molly Ringwald, and Parker Lewis Corin Nemec, just to name a few.  Granted, some of the casting isn't 100% spot on - for example, Harold is described in the book as, well, a fat nerd.  And he's played by Corin Nemec who isn't fat, but still a pretty good nerd.  I don't know, I still buy it. 

And I have to say that I'm surprised I like the book as much as I do.  I'm not a huge fan of Stephen King's books.  It might be because I love this miniseries so much.  And I know a lot of you do, too, because we discuss it on Twitter for hours.  So I'd love it if you guys started a conversation here, too, because I'm a nerd and I love talking about it.

Also, it's #whyIfollowFlagg.  Not gonna lie.

If the devil wore a Canadian tuxedo and had a sweet mullet, sign me up!  We're goin' to Vegas!