Horror Rules

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Horror Movie Rules We Live By

Sorry folks, this ain't Scream.  I'm not going to tell you about the nature of killers, or the law of virgins, or any of that because it's obvious and it's trite. These are the horror movie rules I live by.

If it's true that we can create our own realities, then I've decided a few things don't exist in mine.  Any sequels to the Matrix.  The album Chinese Democracy by Guns N' Roses.  The Olsen Twins never turned 18, therefore they never let everyone down (i.e. they're still attractive, albeit jailbait, and never became trainwrecks).  And Nightmare on Elm Street 7 - New Nightmare was never made.

This shit is just terrible.  They could have left off with Freddy's Dead - The Final Nightmare in 1991.  But no, Wes Craven had to ruin everything like he always does.

This movie smacks of effort in the worst ways.  It attempts to blur the lines between reality and film but just comes off kind of stupid.  It gives Freddy real-life agency, but is it real life, or only a movie?  Ugh.  Just...no.  They tried so hard to make it good.  All of the original people are back in duel roles, as themselves AND as their characters, as well as Wes Craven and co. stepping in front of the camera, trying to shove depth down our throats. 

If you're going to have John Saxon in a movie as John Saxon, can't you give us a little karate?  I don't care if he was 60 at the time, I bet he could still whip some shit out.

This movie was so bad, that it actually makes Freddy vs. Jason seem brilliant.

So Freddy uses the kid?  Oh, I didn't know we were remaking NOES 5 - The Dream Child

If the only way to stop him is to make another movie, then just let Freddy kill me now.  I think we're all better off.