Whorticulture.com Presents: Unnecessary Remakes - Poltergeist
I hope that header pissed you off as much as it did me. You don't even know.
So, according to IMDB, Poltergeist will be remade in 2013. I predict many "they're back" jokes.
Here are the reasons this is the worst idea I've heard in...forever.
#1: Craig T. Nelson
Craig T. Nelson is a true gentleman and a man of principles. Who can scream "You didn't move the bodies!" quite like him? Spoiler alert: nobody. Simply put, CTN is the man, and you just can't replace him. Any attempts to do so will result in immediate failure. Sorry, Hollywood.
#2: Heather O'Rourke
Okay, seriously? The girl died while making the third installment of this series. Yes, it was unnecessary (see, Hollywood? You replaced Craig T. Nelson with Tom fucking Skerritt, and you failed), and yes it's ridiculously sad that she died. But the thing is, nobody else can ever be Carol Anne. Just...goddammit.
#3: Zelda Rubinstein
Do I even need to say anything? Who could you possibly get to replace her!? That's like remaking Teen Witch. DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, HOLLYWOOD. Damn you.
#4: Serious Business
JoBeth Williams revealed in 2002 that they used real fucking corpses to shoot the pool scene. YOU KNOW YOU WON'T GO THERE NOW, HOLLYWOOD. I feel like I'm your mother and I'm smacking your hand away from touching the hot stove. No! Stop that!
#5: My Lack of Self Control
You know I'll have to see it, Hollywood. That's not even an option. Granted, I might wait until I don't have to pay for it, but still. Why would you bother to ruin my beautiful memories of a golden haired princess being sucked into a closet, a demonic clown doll, and JoBeth Williams rolling around on the ceiling in her panties? These are special memories, Hollywood.
It's too late at night for me to express my true bitterness at this remake. Maybe tomorrow. Either way, I'm bitter. I'm goddamn bitter. It's not like the 1982 version isn't still awesome. It's not like I don't still shed a tear when Carol Anne wakes up in a bathtub, covered in pink spiritual afterbirth, and says "hi Daddy."
This might be the most unnecessary of unnecessary remakes I've yet come across. ANGRY FACE.
i feel like i'm responsible for tweeting that. lol. ): sorry Whorticulture! *kicks own ass*
ReplyDeleteHaha well, I was going to find out somehow.
ReplyDeleteThey used real corpses? I don't know who'd even want to remake the movie after all those stories about the supposed "curse" that's been circulating for years.
ReplyDeleteYeah I was thinking about that, too. If it's not "cursed," it's certainly VERY unlucky. Some seriously crazy shit went down surrounding that movie.
ReplyDeleteHmm...sounds like an interesting blog story for your newbie horror readers?
ReplyDeleteBTW, I've already told you in Twitter but I love the new logo for Whorticulture. It's a total awesome fit for you & your site. Kudos to the designer.
To remake this would be like spitting on that little Heather's grave. What is the point? Can't they come up with anything new in Hollywood? Oh wait...ThanksKilling was unique, though that was in Ohio. Does that even count? Pre-coffee rambling and my sincerest apologies for that.
ReplyDeleteHOWEVER, I will say that I am just as bitter as you are at the thought of remaking this. Obviously real corpses, Indian burial grounds, and Heather aren't enough to derail dumbass Hollywood from another unnecessary remake. The more I think about it, the angrier I get.
This fills me with a rage I can't even begin to contain. The only thing that might - MIGHT - be worth seeing is how they handle the guy who pulls his face off in the bathroom. I saw this in the theatre when it came out (because, you know, I'm old and shit) and screamed my head off at that scene. Completely traumatized in the most awesome way.
ReplyDeleteFun fact - I'm friends with Kipley Wentz, who played Scott in Poltergeist III. He writes kids' music now, so....the curse goes on.
Holy shit, I never knew they used real corpses. These movies are classics. Stupid Hollwood. Come up with something new.
ReplyDeletereal corpses in Poltergeist? i didn't know that.
ReplyDeletei knew that Cannibal Holocaust indeed used real corpses, dead ones that have been in accidents though. the director got in trouble or had his moved banned in certain cities, i believe.
also, other issues with actual animals being used and killed.
well, if they do a remake of Poltergeist, make it worth the money and not just some SPECIAL EFFECTS and other crap they throw. oh, no 3D, PLEASE! (:
Oh God - you KNOW they'll make it in 3D. If this is true (and I'm taking it with a grain of salt, as I do with most "news stories" that come out of IMDB), I will throw the most ridiculous tantrum since Teresa Guidice's table flip.
ReplyDelete