My Top 5 Favorite Movies

Whorticulture.com Presents: Top 5 Favorite Movies of All Time

People always ask me what my other favorite movies are, or if I only watch horror.  No, I don't only watch horror movies.  But I do love them the best.  In any case, here are my top 5 favorite movies of all time, in order (with an auxiliary candidate as well).

#1: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

The story of an all-girl band that moves to LA and becomes tangled in the world of psychedelics and sexual escapades.  Here's some fun trivia for you: This movie was rated X for violence when first released.  It was written by Roger Ebert - yep, that same Roger Ebert that thought the film I Spit On Your Grave was too disturbing for viewers and would completely ruin society.  The man responsible for having I Spit On Your Grave banned in Chicago. 

Anyway, this film taught me many many things.  It taught me I want to marry Dolly Read.  It taught me that nothing beats a Rolls, not even a Bentley.  It taught me to be wary of guys who sound like Shakespeare and dress up like Wonder Woman.  In this movie I saw my first beheading.  It's got one of the best soundtracks I've ever heard, and by far the best dialogue in a movie ever.  EVER.

You probably know this movie, because Sublime sampled it in the beginning of their song Smoke Two Joints.

#2: Female Trouble

It's a John Waters movie, starring Divine. HELLO.  It's a film about a runaway who gets knocked up and becomes the standard of beauty in Baltimore.  This movie makes a statement about the concept of beauty in society, and you get to watch Divine have sex with herself.  It's pretty amazing.  Plus, I still want to be Dawn Davenport when I grow up.  This movie taught me "the world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life."  It also taught me that bad girls wear cha-cha heels, and goddammit, I want to be a bad girl.

#3: Showgirls

I don't know why this movie has such a bad rep.  It's a film about a beautiful princess of sanctity and grace girl who makes it big in Vegas, and finds herself along the way.  Ha, like I have to tell you guys that.  Plus, there are so many boobies in this movie that it becomes commonplace.  You stop noticing after a while.  This movie opened up the fluttering lashes of the world to the patron saints of lap grinding, Nomi Malone and Cristal Connors.  Every night, before I tuck myself into bed and give my boyfriend a little romp, I say a prayer to them to bless my life with more fancy cars, hooker nails, and dresses from Verse-Ace.  If more Saved by the Bell cast members want to go out and get naked, I support that decision. 

#4: Dawn of the Dead

I consider this the quintessential zombie movie.  4 people, stuck in a mall during the zombie apocalypse.  Sure, the violence is maybe a little cheesy.  The blood might not look totally real.  There's  possibly a zombie pie fight.  But it has Ken motherfucking Foree in it (yes, every time you say his name you have to add the "motherfucking" in there, because he's that much of a bad ass), and there's just enough social commentary to make you feel good about watching.  This is before George Romero decided his audience is filled with slow-witted imbeciles who need a good beating with social commentary.  It's fun for the whole family!

#5: Drop Dead Gorgeous

Here we go.  Here's where you're going to judge me.  But you know what?  You can suck it, I love this movie and I'm proud!  I can be a girl sometimes, you guys.  This movie is about a girl, fresh from the trailer park, trying to win the title of Mount Rose American Teen Princess, while the girls keep dying off.  It's so well written that I don't think it comes off as a typical "girly movie."  I know plenty of dudes who like this movie (that might be because you get to see Kirsten Dunst tap dance without a bra, I don't know).  It's actually really funny.  I mean, Kirsten's mom (played by Ellen Barkin) gets a beer can fused to her hand from a trailer explosion.  That's comedic gold right there.  Not to mention it takes place in Minnesota, where my boyfriend is from, and God knows he loves anything to do with Minnesota.  Don't get him started.  Please.

#6 (The auxiliary candidate): I Spit On Your Grave

Yeah, yeah.  I've talked about this movie before.  But I really do love it.  It's the most misunderstood movie in the history of cinema.  A revenge tragedy to the core, most people insist on focusing on the gratuitous rape scenes without fully understanding that the disgust you feel is necessary for the climax, or that the abuse the heroine takes is critical for her to regain her agency.  For some reason it was "art" when Shakespeare wrote Titus Andronicus, but this film needed to be kept from the eyes of the unsuspecting public.  In fact, it was just banned in Ireland in September.  Nice job assholes, you're only 32 years late.  And with the internet, the people of Ireland can totally still buy it.  You lose, Irish censors.

Stay tuned, this weekend I'll get back on horror and give you my top recommendations.  In the meantime, what are your top 5 favorite movies of all time?