Yuletide Horror Poll

The Results to the Best Yuletide Horror Poll on Whorticulture.com

Merry Christmas, movie house!  Let's see our poll results:

To All A Good Night, Santa Claws, Silent Night Bloody Night, Santa's Slay, Christmas Evil (aka You Better Watch Out), Elves, Santa Claus, and The Christmas Season Massacre each got 1 vote (that's 5% each!).

Psycho Santa, The Gingerdead Man, and Silent Night Deadly Night each got 2 votes (11% each).

Black Christmas (2006) and Jack Frost both got 4 votes (22% each).

Black Christmas (1974) got 5 votes (27%).

And our winner, with 6 votes (33%) is Gremlins!

We'll be back after the Holidays with new polls & new reviews.

Silent Night, Bloody Night

Whorticulture.com Reviews Silent Night, Bloody Night

This movie was fucking terrible.  It was the worst DVD transfer ever, the quality was null, and I wanted to turn it off from the very beginning because it was BORING.

Quick plot outline:  I don't even know.  I lost interest immediately.  So there's this house, and it used to be a mental hospital or something?  And this guy had his daughter committed after she was raped, then decided he hated the people in charge of the institution so he let all the crazies out, and he assumed they killed his daughter so he faked his own death and went on a killing rampage.

I just made it sound 50x better than it really is.  You don't even get to that part until the last 5 minutes. 

There was absolutely nothing to hold my attention.  The movie is called Silent Night, Bloody Night, so you'd assume there'd be blood.  NOPE.  This is a picture of the bloodiest scene, when two people are killed with an axe:

There is literally no blood, aside from this scene, in the whole movie.  There's also no nudity and no swearing, so I felt like I was watching something lame on basic cable.

For some reason, every where I look this movie has startlingly high ratings.  The majority are 7/10 and higher.  Fuck that noise, I give this movie a zero.  That's right, a big fat zero.  It was the worst 100 minutes of my life, and I sat through Thankskilling! 

Movie WTF of the Day

Whorticulture.com Blows Your Mind With Movie Facts - ¿¡Que!? of the Day

I'm sorry, I realize this has nothing to do with horror movies.  But I just learned this fact and my mind is blown.

I just learned that Lorenzo Lamas is in Grease.

That's right, he's the uptight jock Sandy dates when she's fighting with Danny.

I hope I didn't just lose all my cred by talking about Grease (Grease for fuck's sake!), but I had to share this information with the world.

Now go look at one of my posts on boobies for a palate cleanser.  Thanks.

Gremlins

Whorticulture.com Reviews Gremlins, Starring Zach Galligan and Phoebe Cates

Gremlins (1984) is currently tied for the lead in our Best Yuletide Horror poll (which you can see displayed to the right of this post, and if you haven't voted on it GET ON THAT).

Oh, Gremlins.  What a fantastic movie.  It stars the poor man's Ralph Macchio (sorry, Zach Galligan) and the girl famous for ruining the sheets of a thousand young boys by getting her tits out in Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

I'm not even going to bring up how Jennifer Jason Leigh was robbed by this scene.


Not to mention a star studded cast which includes Corey Motherfucking Feldman, Howie Mandel as the voice of Gizmo, Frances Lee McCain who was so big in the '80's it's not even funny, and Hoyt Axton who you probably don't know, but is responsible for songs I have no doubt you know.  Look him up on IMDB sometime, it's really quite fascinating.

In any case, let's do a brief plot summary:  Billy gets the cutest pet ever, takes piss poor care of it, and unleashes its ugly, hellbent spawn on his small town on Christmas.  Hooray!

And it really is the cutest pet ever.  Nothing in this whole world is cuter than Gizmo.  It can't be done.  Gizmo is literally as cute as the human mind can stand.  Anything cuter and your brain would explode. 

He sings, he talks, he watches TV, and he drives.

The audience is literally overwhelmed with cuteness.

We learn early on that "with Mogwai comes great responsibility."  Billy kind of shits all over that.  But what we don't learn right away is that with Mogwai comes great disappointment as well.  Don't kid yourself, ever since you saw this movie you've secretly hoped to stumble across a Mogwai in some tiny shop in Chinatown.  We all have.  And we all know that we'd even settle for one of Gizmo's spawn - or as I call them, the jerkass Mogwai.  Damn you, Chris Columbus.

I mean, all you gotta do is keep them dry, not expose them to bright light, and not feed them after midnight.  Sure, Billy couldn't do any of these things, but I know I could.  Somebody get me a Mogwai.  NOW.

In any case, I think Gremlins is the perfect horror movie for kids to cut their teeth on.  But I do have to say that this movie is not for the wee little ones, because some of the Gremlin death scenes get either disgusting or too scary for them.  For example, at one point one is nothing but a crawling skeleton.  However, after doing a little reading, I found out that the original concept was far more fucked up.  Apparently the original concept called for the mother being decapitated and one of the Gremlins tossing her head down the stairs.  WHAT.  Oh, and they totally killed the dog originally, too.  But Warner Bros., in their infinite wisdom (cough), decided on a more family friendly film.  So what we have is Gremlins as we know it today.

Gremlins spawned a sequel, a video game, and still lives and breathes in movie culture today.  You know what that means?  That means Hollywood is just aching to remake it.  I know you are, fuckers, I don't even need to look.  But until you get some fancy scientist on the job of actually creating real, live Mogwai, just leave it alone.  Yes, I can be bought.  Suck it.

And by the way, Kate's story on why she hates Christmas is amazing.  I don't want to spoil it here, but am I a total dick for laughing every time I hear it?

How about now?

Gremlins gets a solid 9/10.

Trivia: This movie is partially responsible for the invention of the PG-13 rating.

The Descent vs. The Descent II

Whorticulture.com Compares The Descent Versus The Descent II

One of the most recommended movies on my "What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?" post was The Descent.  As it should be, because that movie kicks ass.  For some reason I always forget about it, so I wanted to make sure I made a post in recognition of how awesome it is.

The Descent is scary on so many levels.  Not only does the movie have underground monsters (modern day Morlocks, I decided) hunting a group of female cave explorers, it gives this whole added level of getting lost in an incredibly tight and small uncharted underground cave system, and nobody knows you're there.

There's a scene close to the beginning where a girl gets stuck as they're crawling through one of the tighter cave areas.  The space starts to collapse.  I almost wet myself.

It's a hard and serious scare.  I give it a 10/10 because of the numerous levels of scares.

AND THEN I WATCHED THE SEQUEL.

Boy oh boy was I disappointed.  For one thing, the monsters seemed different in a way I can't put my finger on.  Secondly, it seemed to try to rip-off the best scares from the first, and it failed. 

Not to say it didn't have its moments.  But it rode the coattails HARD of the first one.  And the ending went from insanely awesome to shamefully lame and WTF in a matter of moments.  Not a good note to end the movie on.  God only knows if they'll make a third.

The sequel only gets a 6/10 from me.

But dear God in Heaven check out the first one!  You won't be disappointed.  It tops the list for my recommendations. 

Black Christmas (1974)

Whorticulture.com Reviews Black Christmas (1974), Starring Olivia Hussey and Margot Kidder

Since Black Christmas is basically in the lead (Gremlins keeps catching up) on our poll, I thought I'd check it out.  It's shameful that I'd never seen it before, especially since it stars the ethereal and alluring Olivia Hussey.

Oh, it was gorgeousness and gorgeousity made flesh.

And Margot Kidder, who I could really care less about, because she reminds me of The Amityville Horror, thus reminds me of pure unfrightening fakery.  Oh, and John Motherfucking Saxon is in it, too, and yet again he pulls out zero karate.  Sigh.

In any case, here's a quick plot outline: an anonymous psycho breaks into a sorority house and murders the inhabitants during the holidays.

Some things really stood out to me.  First off, it jumps right into the action, which I appreciate.

Secondly, I'd love to know why nobody checked the house for the bodies of the girls.  Apparently the attic is the best place to hide bodies.  GOOD TO KNOW.

Somebody ignored the warning on the bag.

Third, was tracing phone calls really that difficult in the 1970's?  Jesus, why did anybody bother?

Fourth, anybody else notice that Olivia Hussey's name in this movie is Jess Bradford?  Ha.

WHAT.

So, all in all, it wasn't a bad movie.  It was a little too low on gore for my taste, but that's what you get with movies from before the tits-n-blood decade known as the '80's.  It wasn't particularly scary.  I wish they would have gone into more detail about the killer.  I mean, wtf was his motivation?  Does it matter?  I think yes, in this case it does.  Does the remake go more into it?  I guess I'll find out.  Does the 13 year old they find in the park have anything to do with this?  It didn't seem like it.  I have no idea.  But maybe if I knew more about the killer I'd understand that better.

I'd give it a 7 out of 10.  It just wasn't my style, but it wasn't a bad movie by any means.

WTF Trivia: The director of Black Christmas (1974) also directed Children Shouldn't Play With Dead Things and...A CHRISTMAS STORY.  WTF!?

Simon Says

Whorticulture.com Reviews Simon Says, Starring Crispin Glover and Margo Harshman

Haha oh god, this movie.  This fucking movie.  My TiVo surprise suggested this and I knew I had to check it out because I saw people on Twitter saying it was super gory.  I'm so happy I did, but it was SO. FREAKING. BAD.  It seriously is gory as hell.  And it was on Chiller - I can only imagine how gory it is uncensored!  I was intrigued enough to put it in my Netflix queue and see, even though I know I won't be able to bribe anyone into watching it with me.  My boyfriend does not appreciate the cheese like I do.

I don't even know where to start.  Crispin Glover, who is a mega douche and prone to temper tantrums at independent movie theaters (nobody will ever forget it, sorry dude), plays murderous hillbilly twins.  And he does it POORLY.  So poorly.  At one point his Southern accent turns into an English accent...like, if you hit an English person on the head and it impacted their speech.  It was terrible.

So it's a group of teenagers who go into the woods for camping and gold mining, and they get slaughtered one by one by these twins.  You might be thinking that's a gem of a concept and can't go wrong.  Oh, but it can.

There's two forms of acting in a horror movie.  There's the acting you pull off when you're being killed, and there's the acting you pull off on the "in-between" times when it's normal dialogue and storyline.  I think pulling off a decent killing scene is harder than normal dialogue, but for some reason the actors in this movie excelled at dying and sucked hard during the storyline.

Aside from the terrible acting, you're overwhelmed with seriously shit-tastic effects.  There's a scene where Crispin Glover stomps a little white dog named Tofu, and it was so bad it reminds me of something I did in 8th grade with MS Paint.  If it wasn't so atrocious you might actually feel bad that he killed a dog, but the sheer atrocity makes it completely unbelievable.  They apparently had a $10 effects budget.

There's one scene where Crispin Glover kills a girl running through the woods with her portable CD player (even though this movie came out in 2006).  He chops off her head, hands and feet, and assembles them on a stump.  As her friends, who have just discovered her, are screaming...the CD player ejects the CD through her mouth.  I laughed so hard.  This 10 second scene is hands down the best part of the entire movie.

This movie was absolutely terrible, but it's so worth the watch just for the laughs you'll get.  And my god is it gory.  But it was so bad my boyfriend took one look and said "hell to the no."  He marched his ass out of the room.  But god, you guys gotta try it.  5/10

Oh and PS: why the hell is Blake Lively's entire family in this movie?  There are 4 Lively's in this movie, and that's 3 too many.  More movies should have Robyn Lively in them, but I don't even remember her in this movie.

Trick 'R Treat

Whorticulture.com Reviews Trick 'r Treat, Starring Brian Cox and Anna Paquin

Last month when I made this post asking for horror movie suggestions (which you should check out), a lot of you suggested Trick 'r Treat.  So I checked it out last night.  And it was awesome!

Quick plot outline: 5 stories interwoven on Halloween night; a mean teenage prank, a principal with a dark secret, a group of hot sluts with an even darker secret, an old man with a haunting past, and a couple who disagree on the awesomeness of the Holiday.  Everything I read said there were only 4 stories, I don't know which two they're combining.  Since this is my review, I'm treating them all individually.

While each of the stories were pretty good, my favorite had to be the teenage prank.  So I'm kind of going to spoil it here to give you a taste of what the stories are like.

You have these 5 teenagers who say they are "collecting jack-o-lanterns for Unicef" when in reality they're collecting them to take them down into a rock quarry as an offering to the poor souls lost in a school bus accident 30 years ago...and make one of the 5 pee their pants.

It's all a prank, however, and they scare the bejeezus out of the poor girl who seems to be a little autistic or something.  But they get theirs, as the souls on the bus come back to life and murder them while the autistic girl gets away.  It was kind of "Are You Afraid of the Dark" but on a darker tip.  Totally loved it!

The boyfriend's favorite tale was the one with the hot sluts.  Go figure.  We couldn't get over how one of the hot sluts, played by Rochelle Aytes, looks exactly like Jaime Pressly if you were playing the "If They Were Black" game.  No, seriously, check it out.

Here's Rochelle Aytes:

And here's Jaime Pressly:

Maybe that's just us, but if you watch the movie let me know if you see it too (spoiler alert: you'll totally see it too).

And last, but certainly not least, was the character Sam.

Sam shows up during every tale, almost like an adorable collector of souls.  The name Sam is short for Samhain, so he's literally the spirit of Halloween.  Get it?  Sigh.  But no, he's legit...even if he is filled with preciousness and pumpkin guts.

I give this movie a 10/10.  There were boobs - I mean, they weren't great or anything, but sometimes it's more quantity than quality.  There were beasts galore.  There was a little blood - it's not the goriest movie ever, but what it does show counts.  I can't recommend this movie enough, and it looks aces in blu ray.

This should totally be included in my list of Best Halloween Movies.

Thanks!

A Special Note From Whorticulture.com

This past month has been our busiest.  We got our highest number of hits yet!  So thanks to everyone who has stumbled over here looking for boobs, or to read my ridiculous reviews of terrible movies, or whatever it is you sickos are doing here.  We've got some great Yule Tide Horror planned for December, so stay tuned!

I wanted to find the cheesiest 'thank you' picture I could.  Something with a unicorn.  This is what I found.

That'll do, pig.  That'll do.

Black Sheep

Whorticulture.com Reviews Black Sheep

Ain't no Chris Farley in this movie.  This was recommended to me by a bunch of you, here we go.

So the first thing I noticed is that my TiVo insisted on calling this movie "shear madness."  Way to turn me off, TiVo.

The first thing I'd like to point out is that this movie was made by the Film Commission of New Zealand.  That means it's serious business.  And you can tell - it's by far the most serious stupid movie I've ever seen.  It's not nearly as cheesy as I would have predicted.  It just had an absolutely painful marketing campaign.

Quick Plot Outline: Genetic Engineering turns sheep into these bloodthirsty killers, and the people who are bitten turn into these weird ass weresheep things.

I was totally eyerolling left and right over the environmental overtones.  Not surprisingly, they go out the window once the sheep start eating faces.  I wanted to shoot that hippie girl (who goes by the name Experience - oh, fuck me sideways) through the first two thirds of the movie.

Here's what a weresheep looks like:

Anyway, they use amniotic fluid to cure the sheep.  That means the weresheep have to drink it.  It's pretty gross.  And I just kept thinking to myself "somebody's fucking those sheep."  And yes, somebody was fucking those sheep.  This is the second movie in a row for me where tragedy befalls a penis.  I don't want to talk about it.

All in all though, it was a pretty solid movie.  The effects were surprisingly good.  The sheep - which were mostly real sheep, except when they were eating faces - were believable, even if they were too cute sometimes to be scary...but I guess that's the crux of the matter, isn't it?  Anyway, pretty outstanding gore as well.  I will say, however, that it's pretty slow to start out with but totally worth it in the end.

I give this movie a 7.5 out of 10.  It really wasn't as bad as I thought it would be.

Blood Sucking Freaks

Whorticulture.com Reviews Blood Sucking Freaks

This past holiday weekend, I subjected myself to a plethora of terrible horror.  Possibly Probably the worst being Blood Sucking Freaks.  A Troma movie to the core - and I do love my Troma movies - but still failed to thrill me.

Quick Plot Outline: You have this guy, Master Sardu, who runs a torture show that the audience mistakenly thinks is fake.  He gets it in his head that he wants to put on an S&M ballet, so he kidnaps a ballet star.  He kills a whole lot of people in between.  Oh, and this is all a cover for the white slavery trade.

It's a terrible plot, and you kind of forget what you're watching after a while.  Unfortunately it reeks of Herschell Gordon Lewis's Wizard of Gore (which is the worst movie I've ever seen), but with WAY more 70's muff, WAY less gore, and a creepy black midget Ralphus (fuck that, we're just calling him Tattoo).  Tattoo does have a wicked fro, I'll give him that.  And he's entertaining.  I like Tattoo. 

Get down with your bad self, Tattoo!

There is some seriously weird shit in this movie.  Sardu uses women for everything, like dinner tables and urinals (thankfully the viewer doesn't witness this, but we certainly hear about it).  He just enjoys torturing them, too, like this scene where he lets a doctor needlessly "operate" on one.  The doctor tells her over and over that he lives with his mother, and that his mother didn't want him to be a dentist, then he kills her and drinks her brains.

Tattoo rides a naked lady like a horse.  You might think that's a sexual reference, and you'd be wrong.  He literally dresses up like a cowboy and rides her.

They use a woman's ass as a dartboard.

They use fingers from their stable of bitches as gambling chips.

Did I mention every single one of these women is naked?  I never thought I'd be sick of looking at naked ladies.  Do a google image search for "Blood Sucking Freaks" and see how many naked ladies you find.  TONS.

The ending is terrible.  I won't spoil how the plot ends (hint: it sucks), but I will spoil that the movie ends with a bunch of feral naked women dancing around with a penis in a sandwich.  You know I had to spoil that.  A big ol' wiener sandwich.  WHAT. THE. FUCK.

None of you should watch this movie.  Don't let the wiener sandwich entice you.  If you hated me after making you watch Thankskilling (which is awesome and you can all suck it), you will dream of sweet tasting murder after this steaming pile.  I'll be nice and give it a 3 out of 10.  There's a pretty awesome caning scene (side note: the movie promises Strong Sexual Content yet provides none, unless you count this caning scene), and honestly the acting is pretty believable.  Also, basically everyone in the movie died tragically young and I feel bad about speaking ill of the dead.  But if you find your hand reaching for this terrible selection one day, imagine yourself back in Catholic school and I'm the nun slapping your hand with a ruler. 

John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe: Your Votes!

Our latest poll closed today.  Here are the results.

John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe:

A mere 1 person (6%) said it was a great idea.

4 of you (26%) said you couldn't give a crap either way.

And the winner is...

10 of you (66%) said it's a terrible idea!

Once again, I agree with the masses.  I also agree with John, who said "he'll be the Edward Cullen of Edgar Allan Poe's."

We should have a new poll up by Monday!  Thanks for voting!

I Whip My Hair Back and Forth

Whorticulture.com Presents: Horror LOL of the Week

Ragan Fox, who you may know from this past season of Big Brother in the US, linked to this on Twitter and I felt like I had to show you.  This seriously made me LOL so enjoy!

See you next week!

This video was made by these guys:
http://youtube.com/gabeisahippo
http://youtube.com/floppystarfish

A Very Special Message

Whorticulture.com says

Holy crap, too much turkey!

HAPPY THANKSGIVING TO OUR US READERS AND ANYBODY ELSE CELEBRATING TURKEY DAY!

And to anybody not celebrating, or even if you're just sick of your family, check out some of our older posts!  We'll be back in full force in December with lots of yule-tide horror to feast your eyes on.

Here are some awesome Thanksgiving related posts:

Thanksgiving Horror Movies

Thankskilling Review

Vote on our poll, and don't forget to tell us your favorite horror movies here!

Everybody have a great weekend!

Love,

Whorticulture.com

(Uncle Eddie & LittleJohn)

Night of the Demons 2

Whorticulture.com Reviews Night of the Demons 2

You know what sucks?  When you've loved a movie for years, then you go back and watch it and realize it sucks.  Case in point, Night of the Demons 2.

Quick plot outline: A new group of rowdy teenagers, this time from Catholic boarding school, go to Hull House for a Halloween party where they meet Angela, our head mistress of horror.

Points of interest: This time one of the teenagers is quiet little Melissa, whom the other students teasingly call "Mouse" and happens to be Angela's little sister.  So we get to hear the story of what happened after that night from the original, and how Angela's parents committed suicide after Angela became Satan's favorite or something.  And yes, that is Christine Taylor up there in the middle.

Anyway, here's why it's terrible:

#1: It veers pretty far from the first one.  Granted, we have the same actress playing Angela, and they return to basically the same house, but there's one major difference.  The demons can be exorcised.  SAY WHAT.  So sweet little Christine Taylor up there gets killed and subsequently possessed by a demon - you know, as they all do - but she's quickly treated with holy water and returns to normal.  SIGH.  Thankfully she's the only one they're able to save.  The other ones just melt.  And that makes no sense.  Oh, and another thing.  Everyone except one guy escapes the house and returns back to school!  One of the girls steals a lipstick (you know, the lipstick) from Hull House, which allows Angela to cross the underground stream (WHAT!?) and start killing people back at the Catholic boarding school.

#2: Christine Taylor doesn't get her boobs out.  SAY WHAT, ENCORE.  Each of the other girls get theirs out.  We have Cristi Harris:

Awesome.

And we have Zoe Trilling (who is super hot in a 90's sort of way):

Deadly boobs.  Extra awesome.

But what do we get of Christine Taylor?  This:

That's right, she's in a bra for most of the movie.  I guess she was in "serious" actor mode back then...but don't you think people want to see the girl from Hey Dude! get 'em out?  It worked for Jessie Spano!  (Side note: it's a little odd when one of the male characters calls her Marcia since this movie came out the year before she played Marcia Brady - oh and her name is Terri.)

Moving on.

#3: The religious overtones are ridiculous.  The power of Christ apparently compelled this movie to suck.  I mean, for God's sake, we have a yard stick wielding, rosary swinging nun who acts like a ninja (and at one point loses her head, but another one pops out from under her habit like a turtle, so does that make her a ninja turtle?  GODDAMMIT LOOK AT THE BAD JOKES THIS MOVIE MAKES ME MAKE) and succeeds in the end with a super soaker filled with holy water.

If anything, this movie tries way too hard to bring you the battle between good and evil.  Nobody wants to see that.  It's a cheesy '90's horror movie.  We don't want Catholic guilt, we want tits and blood!

There are redeeming qualities, don't get me wrong.  The cheese is outstanding - but you wouldn't expect less from a Night of the Demons movie.

These effects sure are "special."

And for some reason, this part freaked me out as a kid:

Yes, that's a demon in a toilet.

The gore is kind of lacking.  There's a pretty great scene where Mouse gets her jaw ripped off by Angela, but I think that's about it.  Unless you count all of the demons melting into pools of guts (it's not as cool as it sounds) or demon-snake Angela exploding (that scene has to be seen to be believed, it's really that fucking terrible).

So all in all I'd give it a 5.  Maybe a 6 if I'm feeling generous.  It's sort of a means to an end - it just serves to get you to Night of the Demons 3.  Except now I'm afraid to watch that one.  Maybe my love affair with the Night of the Demons series will soon come to an end.

I hope not.

Trivia: Zoe Trilling (Shirley) and Amelia Kinkade (Angela) danced together in the movie Girls Just Want To Have Fun.

Reader Poll: John Cusack as Edgar Allan Poe

I know, lots of us sighed with disdain when John Cusack was cast as Edgar Allan Poe in the upcoming movie The Raven (sidenote: why can't they make a movie out of Hop Frog?).  But visually I think he makes a pretty good Poe.

Here's Edgar Allan Poe:

And here's John Cusack in the role:

But, as we all know, looks are only half the battle.  Everyone on Twitter knows that John Cusack is a mega douchebag.  So what do we think?  Can he pull off the role?

Vote now!

Paranormal 3 Yes or No? Poll Results

Hey kiddies, our poll just ended so here are the results:

Should there be a 3rd installment to Paranormal Activity?

7 of you (26%) said No!  That shit sucks!

19 of you (73%) said Definitely!

Well good, because as you can see in a previous entry, they've announced the release date for it.  As some of you commented, I think they need to stop after 3.  This shouldn't turn into another Saw.

Stay tuned for our next reader poll!  Thanks for voting, everybody!

Unnecessary Remakes

Whorticulture.com Presents: Unnecessary Remakes - Poltergeist

I hope that header pissed you off as much as it did me.  You don't even know.

So, according to IMDB, Poltergeist will be remade in 2013.  I predict many "they're back" jokes.

Here are the reasons this is the worst idea I've heard in...forever.

#1: Craig T. Nelson

Craig T. Nelson is a true gentleman and a man of principles.  Who can scream "You didn't move the bodies!" quite like him?  Spoiler alert: nobody.  Simply put, CTN is the man, and you just can't replace him.  Any attempts to do so will result in immediate failure.  Sorry, Hollywood.

#2: Heather O'Rourke

Okay, seriously?  The girl died while making the third installment of this series.  Yes, it was unnecessary (see, Hollywood?  You replaced Craig T. Nelson with Tom fucking Skerritt, and you failed), and yes it's ridiculously sad that she died.  But the thing is, nobody else can ever be Carol Anne.  Just...goddammit. 

#3: Zelda Rubinstein

Do I even need to say anything?  Who could you possibly get to replace her!?  That's like remaking Teen Witch.  DON'T YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT IT, HOLLYWOOD.  Damn you.

#4: Serious Business
JoBeth Williams revealed in 2002 that they used real fucking corpses to shoot the pool scene.  YOU KNOW YOU WON'T GO THERE NOW, HOLLYWOOD.  I feel like I'm your mother and I'm smacking your hand away from touching the hot stove.  No!  Stop that!

#5: My Lack of Self Control
You know I'll have to see it, Hollywood.  That's not even an option.  Granted, I might wait until I don't have to pay for it, but still.  Why would you bother to ruin my beautiful memories of a golden haired princess being sucked into a closet, a demonic clown doll, and JoBeth Williams rolling around on the ceiling in her panties?  These are special memories, Hollywood. 

It's too late at night for me to express my true bitterness at this remake.  Maybe tomorrow.  Either way, I'm bitter.  I'm goddamn bitter.  It's not like the 1982 version isn't still awesome.  It's not like I don't still shed a tear when Carol Anne wakes up in a bathtub, covered in pink spiritual afterbirth, and says "hi Daddy."

This might be the most unnecessary of unnecessary remakes I've yet come across.  ANGRY FACE.

Paranormal Activity 3 Release Date

According to IMDB, Paramount has set October 21, 2011 as the release date for Paranormal Activity 3.  You can read the article here.

So what do you guys think?  Do you love the series?  Hate it?  Has it run it's course?  Don't forget to vote on our poll!  Time is running out!

What's Your Favorite Scary Movie?

Whorticulture.com Wants To Hear From You!  What Horror Movies Would You Suggest?

Since I've started this blog, people come to me all the time for suggestions.  I've even had a few people come up and tell me they've never really watched horror movies and ask for my suggestions on which ones they should watch.  After I stop choking and tuck my eyeballs neatly back into their sockets, I rattle off a list of ten thousand movies I think they should feast on.

So let's play a little game, shall we?  Pretend someone just came up to you and said "I've never seen a horror movie before, which one should I watch?"  Leave as many suggestions as you want in the comments, I'll tally them up later.

Thanks,
Management

Thankskilling

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Thanksgiving Scares

Whorticulture.com Presents: Getting your Thanksgiving Scare on

When your whole family gathers together to celebrate a bountiful harvest, why not show them some Thanksgiving-themed horror movies?  I'm sure the little ones will appreciate it, and so will their parents!  So here's a list of movies you should check out - if you can find them.

#1: Blood Freak

"In this bizarre story, a bodybuilder named Herschel has become a serious marijuana addict. One day, while working on a turkey farm, Herschel consumes contaminated meat, and soon after, his head is transformed into a turkey head. The turkey-headed muscle man still craves his weed, so he gobble-gobbles and attacks other addicts and dealers in order to snag their dope and feed his addiction."

#2: Home Sweet Home

"The Bradley family's country home turns into a slaughterhouse when an escaped mental patient steals a station wagon and shows up on their doorstep in the middle of Thanksgiving dinner. Now, instead of the traditional turkey, the Bradleys seem to be the main course on this killer's holiday menu. Jake Steinfeld ("Body by Jake"), Vinessa Shaw, Peter De Paula, Don Edmunds and Charles Hoyes co-star in this early slice of 1980s horror."

#3: Thankskilling

"While on their way home for Thanksgiving break, five college kids run afoul of a homicidal turkey that wants them dead. As the cursed bird hunts them down one by one, the survivors scramble to find a way to defeat the possessed creature. Will the bloodthirsty turkey make this their last Thanksgiving feast ever? Writer-director Jordan Downey's holiday-themed horror spoof features an appearance by adult-film star Wanda Lust."

I saved the worst best for last.  Later today I'll post my review of Thankskilling.

There's also a movie out there called Turkey Monster, but I can't find it for the life of me.  Any of you have better luck?

My Top 5 Favorite Movies

Whorticulture.com Presents: Top 5 Favorite Movies of All Time

People always ask me what my other favorite movies are, or if I only watch horror.  No, I don't only watch horror movies.  But I do love them the best.  In any case, here are my top 5 favorite movies of all time, in order (with an auxiliary candidate as well).

#1: Beyond the Valley of the Dolls

The story of an all-girl band that moves to LA and becomes tangled in the world of psychedelics and sexual escapades.  Here's some fun trivia for you: This movie was rated X for violence when first released.  It was written by Roger Ebert - yep, that same Roger Ebert that thought the film I Spit On Your Grave was too disturbing for viewers and would completely ruin society.  The man responsible for having I Spit On Your Grave banned in Chicago. 

Anyway, this film taught me many many things.  It taught me I want to marry Dolly Read.  It taught me that nothing beats a Rolls, not even a Bentley.  It taught me to be wary of guys who sound like Shakespeare and dress up like Wonder Woman.  In this movie I saw my first beheading.  It's got one of the best soundtracks I've ever heard, and by far the best dialogue in a movie ever.  EVER.

You probably know this movie, because Sublime sampled it in the beginning of their song Smoke Two Joints.

#2: Female Trouble

It's a John Waters movie, starring Divine. HELLO.  It's a film about a runaway who gets knocked up and becomes the standard of beauty in Baltimore.  This movie makes a statement about the concept of beauty in society, and you get to watch Divine have sex with herself.  It's pretty amazing.  Plus, I still want to be Dawn Davenport when I grow up.  This movie taught me "the world of the heterosexual is a sick and boring life."  It also taught me that bad girls wear cha-cha heels, and goddammit, I want to be a bad girl.

#3: Showgirls

I don't know why this movie has such a bad rep.  It's a film about a beautiful princess of sanctity and grace girl who makes it big in Vegas, and finds herself along the way.  Ha, like I have to tell you guys that.  Plus, there are so many boobies in this movie that it becomes commonplace.  You stop noticing after a while.  This movie opened up the fluttering lashes of the world to the patron saints of lap grinding, Nomi Malone and Cristal Connors.  Every night, before I tuck myself into bed and give my boyfriend a little romp, I say a prayer to them to bless my life with more fancy cars, hooker nails, and dresses from Verse-Ace.  If more Saved by the Bell cast members want to go out and get naked, I support that decision. 

#4: Dawn of the Dead

I consider this the quintessential zombie movie.  4 people, stuck in a mall during the zombie apocalypse.  Sure, the violence is maybe a little cheesy.  The blood might not look totally real.  There's  possibly a zombie pie fight.  But it has Ken motherfucking Foree in it (yes, every time you say his name you have to add the "motherfucking" in there, because he's that much of a bad ass), and there's just enough social commentary to make you feel good about watching.  This is before George Romero decided his audience is filled with slow-witted imbeciles who need a good beating with social commentary.  It's fun for the whole family!

#5: Drop Dead Gorgeous

Here we go.  Here's where you're going to judge me.  But you know what?  You can suck it, I love this movie and I'm proud!  I can be a girl sometimes, you guys.  This movie is about a girl, fresh from the trailer park, trying to win the title of Mount Rose American Teen Princess, while the girls keep dying off.  It's so well written that I don't think it comes off as a typical "girly movie."  I know plenty of dudes who like this movie (that might be because you get to see Kirsten Dunst tap dance without a bra, I don't know).  It's actually really funny.  I mean, Kirsten's mom (played by Ellen Barkin) gets a beer can fused to her hand from a trailer explosion.  That's comedic gold right there.  Not to mention it takes place in Minnesota, where my boyfriend is from, and God knows he loves anything to do with Minnesota.  Don't get him started.  Please.

#6 (The auxiliary candidate): I Spit On Your Grave

Yeah, yeah.  I've talked about this movie before.  But I really do love it.  It's the most misunderstood movie in the history of cinema.  A revenge tragedy to the core, most people insist on focusing on the gratuitous rape scenes without fully understanding that the disgust you feel is necessary for the climax, or that the abuse the heroine takes is critical for her to regain her agency.  For some reason it was "art" when Shakespeare wrote Titus Andronicus, but this film needed to be kept from the eyes of the unsuspecting public.  In fact, it was just banned in Ireland in September.  Nice job assholes, you're only 32 years late.  And with the internet, the people of Ireland can totally still buy it.  You lose, Irish censors.

Stay tuned, this weekend I'll get back on horror and give you my top recommendations.  In the meantime, what are your top 5 favorite movies of all time?