Whorticulture.com Reviews Blood Sucking Freaks
This past holiday weekend, I subjected myself to a plethora of terrible horror.
Quick Plot Outline: You have this guy, Master Sardu, who runs a torture show that the audience mistakenly thinks is fake. He gets it in his head that he wants to put on an S&M ballet, so he kidnaps a ballet star. He kills a whole lot of people in between. Oh, and this is all a cover for the white slavery trade.
It's a terrible plot, and you kind of forget what you're watching after a while. Unfortunately it reeks of Herschell Gordon Lewis's Wizard of Gore (which is the worst movie I've ever seen), but with WAY more 70's muff, WAY less gore, and a creepy black midget Ralphus (fuck that, we're just calling him Tattoo). Tattoo does have a wicked fro, I'll give him that. And he's entertaining. I like Tattoo.
 |
| Get down with your bad self, Tattoo! |
There is some seriously weird shit in this movie. Sardu uses women for everything, like dinner tables and urinals (thankfully the viewer doesn't witness this, but we certainly hear about it). He just enjoys torturing them, too, like this scene where he lets a doctor needlessly "operate" on one. The doctor tells her over and over that he lives with his mother, and that his mother didn't want him to be a dentist, then he kills her and drinks her brains.
Tattoo rides a naked lady like a horse. You might think that's a sexual reference, and you'd be wrong. He literally dresses up like a cowboy and rides her.
They use a woman's ass as a dartboard.
They use fingers from their stable of bitches as gambling chips.
Did I mention every single one of these women is naked? I never thought I'd be sick of looking at naked ladies. Do a google image search for "Blood Sucking Freaks" and see how many naked ladies you find. TONS.
The ending is terrible. I won't spoil how the plot ends (hint: it sucks), but I will spoil that the movie ends with a bunch of feral naked women dancing around with a penis in a sandwich. You know I had to spoil that. A big ol' wiener sandwich. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
None of you should watch this movie. Don't let the wiener sandwich entice you. If you hated me after making you watch Thankskilling (which is awesome and you can all suck it), you will dream of sweet tasting murder after this steaming pile. I'll be nice and give it a 3 out of 10. There's a pretty awesome caning scene (side note: the movie promises Strong Sexual Content yet provides none, unless you count this caning scene), and honestly the acting is pretty believable. Also, basically everyone in the movie died tragically young and I feel bad about speaking ill of the dead. But if you find your hand reaching for this terrible selection one day, imagine yourself back in Catholic school and I'm the nun slapping your hand with a ruler.
Lolz! That review is hilarious. I'm so tempted. The penis sandwich? Naked ladies? A man riding a naked girl like a horse? It sounds alright to me...
ReplyDeleteNot just any man...a black midget!
ReplyDeleteGoddammit Eddie. We r pulling it up now. Why do bad reviews entice me so? Will review after. God help us.
ReplyDeleteThis movie came as a pleasant surprise for me. The initial scenes led me to believe it would be terrible, but it actually turned out not too shabby. The acting for many of the core characters was very well done. I definitely believed the weirdness coming from the Magician and his midget companion. The critic and the dancers all seemed fairly believable too. The effects were sadly lacking, but I think part of that may be from me watching the movie 34 years after it came out. Also, it wasn’t a good transference from film to digital.
ReplyDeleteI give this movie a 7/10, and it holds a bit of sadness as several of the main characters didn’t survive the 70’s, and the Magician was literally murdered in his home.