Best Of: Best Kills in the Nightmare on Elm Street Series

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Kills in the Nightmare on Elm Street Series

Oh NOES, how I love thee.  Let me count the ways, in my new Slaughter Series.

#1: Johnny Depp

I guess you shoulda stayed awake, Johnny.  Sucked into the bed, the bed vomits a copious amount of blood.  What could be better?  There's even a special deleted scene that shows Johnny slipping back out, covered in blood.  I think they should have kept it - it's pretty creepy.

Trivia: Did you know this scene went totally awry?  The room spinner went haywire, flipping the room rightside-up and covering the crew with blood.

#2: The Birds

NOES 2: Freddy's Revenge.  Not the best in the series.  It totally strays from the formula - Freddy possesses a kid, and comes into the real world to kill.  Also, it's incredibly homoerotic.  One of the characters - the Coach - is killed when balls fly at his head, and he's towel-whipped to death in the shower.  On his bare ass.  Sigh.  Don't even get me started on the dance scene.

So why did I choose the birds?  It's the scene that always stood out to me.  It's sort of comical, in a terrible way.  And the other kills are pretty lackluster.

#3: The Vein Puppet

NOES 3: The Dream Warriors.  Killing kids in a psych hospital is like shooting fish in a barrel.  Luckily, Freddy pulls it off with some style.  Think about this for a moment: Freddy rips the veins from this kid's arm, and uses him as a marionette.  That's pretty hardcore.

I know lots of people think that the killer TV is the best kill in this movie.  I have major problems with it. 

Granted, the line "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!" is quality, but why didn't anybody question how she got up there to slam her head into the TV?

Trivia: Did you know the line "Welcome to Prime Time, bitch!" was total ad-lib by Robert Englund?  Yet another reason he's my dream lover. 

#4: Wanna Suck Face?

NOES 4: The Dream Master.  By far my favorite of the series, basically because of this one scene.  And no, not just because I want Freddy to suck face with me.  Okay, maybe a little.  But it's great kill after great kill.

Poor little Sheila.  All she wanted to do was study.

True facts.

#5: How to Feed a Model.

NOES 5: The Dream Child.  Freddy is a real humanitarian.  Here he is, fighting anorexia.  Oh, Freddy, what will you think of next?  Anyway, I don't know what he's feeding her, but it's seriously foul.  You're gagging, she's gagging, it's a good time.

I think you might have over done it, Freddy

#6: Now You're Playing with Power

NOES 6: Freddy's Dead The Final Nightmare.  I know, I know.  The line "Now you're playing with power!" is kind of terrible.  TERRIBLY AWESOME.  Come on, he's killing a kid (Breckin Meyer) in a video game.  And, really, the other kills in this movie aren't that great.  What is great, however, is that this movie has Roseanne and Tom Arnold in it, playing two crazy inhabitants of Springwood, Ohio.

He took our babies!

And don't forget a cameo from  the star of our #1 spot, Johnny Depp!

This is your brain.

That's right, direct off the set of Edward Scissorhands, Johnny Depp returns for a 30 second spot, only to be hit in the face with a frying pan.  Damn dude, Freddy got you twice!

#7: N/A

This movie does not exist to me.  Read this to find out more.

#8: What Jason Did

Freddy vs. Jason.  I guess this kind of counts, since Jason is under Freddy's control and doing his bidding, right?  Right?  Well, whatever, it's an awesome kill.  I remember jumping pretty hard and feeling pretty uncomfortable in the theater.  HE BENT THE GUY IN HALF.  BACKWARDS.  I mean, the guy deserved it.  But come on!

And these are the ways I love NOES.  Agree?  Disagree?  Let me know!

Dream Warriors

Whorticulture.com Rocks Out with its Cock Out

Oh, internet.  You're like my own personal wayback machine.

Let's go back to a better time.  A time of big hair rock n roll and VHS tapes.  It'll only hurt for a second.

Did you know this was the first music video to be included with a VHS?

This song has been stuck in my head for the past week.  I thought I'd torment you share it with you, too.  Mmm, I can smell the Aqua Net.

For those about to rock, I salute you.

Horror Rules

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Horror Movie Rules We Live By

Sorry folks, this ain't Scream.  I'm not going to tell you about the nature of killers, or the law of virgins, or any of that because it's obvious and it's trite. These are the horror movie rules I live by.

If it's true that we can create our own realities, then I've decided a few things don't exist in mine.  Any sequels to the Matrix.  The album Chinese Democracy by Guns N' Roses.  The Olsen Twins never turned 18, therefore they never let everyone down (i.e. they're still attractive, albeit jailbait, and never became trainwrecks).  And Nightmare on Elm Street 7 - New Nightmare was never made.

This shit is just terrible.  They could have left off with Freddy's Dead - The Final Nightmare in 1991.  But no, Wes Craven had to ruin everything like he always does.

This movie smacks of effort in the worst ways.  It attempts to blur the lines between reality and film but just comes off kind of stupid.  It gives Freddy real-life agency, but is it real life, or only a movie?  Ugh.  Just...no.  They tried so hard to make it good.  All of the original people are back in duel roles, as themselves AND as their characters, as well as Wes Craven and co. stepping in front of the camera, trying to shove depth down our throats. 

If you're going to have John Saxon in a movie as John Saxon, can't you give us a little karate?  I don't care if he was 60 at the time, I bet he could still whip some shit out.

This movie was so bad, that it actually makes Freddy vs. Jason seem brilliant.

So Freddy uses the kid?  Oh, I didn't know we were remaking NOES 5 - The Dream Child

If the only way to stop him is to make another movie, then just let Freddy kill me now.  I think we're all better off.

Best Of: Best Killers

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Horror Movie Killers!

Screw the victims, the killer can make or break a horror movie.  Here's our list, in no particular order, of the 5 best butchers horror has to offer.

#5: Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series

This masked serial murderer brings a lot to the table without saying a word.  He drowned as a kid, and he has a lot of pent-up rage against slutty camp counselors.  He doesn't even have to run after you.  This dude can saunter after you, and he's still going to catch up, so just shut up and take it like a champ.  Although he's known for his machete, some of our favorite death scenes include swinging a girl around inside a sleeping bag, and freezing someone's face with liquid nitrogen and then smashing it to pieces. 

Nice job, Jason!  2 points!

Our favorite Jasons are:

Warrington Gillette, Richard Brooker, C.J. Graham, and Kane Hodder - we also respect his mother for offing Kevin Bacon with an arrow through the neck

#4: Otis B. Driftwood from House of 1000 Corpses

Goddammit, Bill Moseley.  We just love you.  And your portrayal of Otis pushed our love from moderate to downright shameless.  Otis has some of the best dialogue in horror movie history.  He spends his time making awesome oddities from pieces of his victims, and he has a penchant for cheerleaders (don't we all?).  Rob Zombie's song Pussy Liquor tells you all you need to know about this psycho:
"...Otis was his name
White as a ghost, totally insane.
Otis loves the girls, young and clean,
drowning in a bucket of gasoline."
Indeed, Otis is a man after our own hearts here at whorticulture.  Our favorite thing this bad ass does is making that flesh suit out of the cop, then trying to get all romantic with the cop's daughter.  He's the one who brings the Christmas candy.

Do you like what you see?  DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

#3: Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street series

Say what you will, but Robert Englund will always be Freddy to us.  Sorry, Mr. Bad News Bears.  This child murderer turned undead, gloved dream assassin kills mostly teenagers, but he'll fuck anyone up if they get in his way.  And we appreciate that.  You can't tie yourself down, you know?  He's charismatic, kind of charming, and mega deadly.  It's a winning combination!  He's got dozens of kills under his belt, including stuffing a model's face (literally), killing a teenager in a comic book, killing a teenager in a video game, and he even killed Johnny Depp.  But our favorite is an under appreciated murder in Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, where he combines romance with a deadly asthma attack on poor, nerdy Sheila:

Hey Sheila, wanna suck face?

#2: Angela Baker from the Sleepaway Camp sequels

Don't get us wrong - we definitely love Felissa Rose as Angela in the original Sleepaway Camp.  That shit is twisted and we'll definitely discuss it at some later time.  But right now we're focusing on Pamela Springsteen (sister of some guy named Bruce Springsteen, who you've probably never heard of - just kidding - and did not inherit any singing talent at all) as Angela Baker in Sleepaway Camp 2 & 3.  This bitch has quite the past, which is so surprising that we're not about to ruin it for you just yet.  Yeah, her past messed with her head just a little, and now she's at camp killing slutty teenagers.  TOTALLY ORIGINAL.  She tries to have zingy one-liners but it just doesn't work.  That's okay, we'll overlook it since she kills the slutty teenagers in original ways.  She stuffs firecrackers in their noses, buries a lazy counselor up to her neck in dirt and garbage and mows over her head with a lawnmower, and drowns a hot chick in an outhouse.  That last one is our personal favorite.  Instead of showing you a picture of that scene, let's just bask in the ultimate 80's hotness that is Valerie Hartman (Ally):

 Do you want that face all covered in muck and leeches?  We didn't think so.

#1: Baby from House of 1000 Corpses

Oh, Baby Baby Baby.  So hot.  So deadly.  She loves old time movie starlets, baby dolls, and butcher knives.  Oh, and she loves being sexy.  Goddammit, Rob Zombie.  You lucky bastard.  Baby and her evil laugh will send chills down your spine.  We love everything this fine lady does - we can't pick just one.  We love watching her run after her rabbits, we love watching her dance to Brick House while someone gets chopped up.  We even love watching her scalp her victims when they get questions wrong.  That'll teach 'em!  Pro tip: don't be rude during Baby's performances.  Make your bitch shut up and watch.

We wanna be loved by you, too, Baby!

Any killers you love that we missed?  Let us know in the comments!

Nightmare on Elm Street (2010) Review

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)

Nightmare on Elm Street has always been my favorite horror series. I hear this fairly often, and so I went in with a great deal of caution when I saw the 2010 remake. My main concern was Jackie Earle Haley as Freddy. I’ve always loved all things Freddy, even the poorly received television series Freddy’s Nightmares. Robert Englund…oh how I love him. Let me say that again. I love him. I’ve always a creepy little crush on Robert Englund’s Freddy Krueger. So Jackie Earle Haley? Rorschach? The kid from Bad News Bears?

Ugh, I just don’t know.

My first obstacle: having to overlook the crowd of 18 year olds I was surrounded by. The girl in front of me screamed constantly, even though the guy next to me, who was chugging cough syrup (at one point he dropped the bottle and it shattered) kept telling her to shut up every time.

In any case, let’s get to my review. It stands up solid as a horror movie. It’s much darker than the originals, mainly because Haley plays Krueger in a much different fashion than Englund. Englund pulled off that sarcastic, maniacal nightmare killer, but Haley’s was much more sadistic. They did his make-up in a way I found looking sort of inhuman, which I suppose makes sense. But the main difference was that they pulled no punches about Freddy Krueger being a pedophile. The original 1984 version doesn’t even touch that. In fact, I hardly remember anything in the originals until 5, in which they lightly touch on the fact that he MAY have been a pedophile. But again, there was still an element of fun in the originals, and this one lacked that entirely. This remake fools the audience for quite some time into feeling bad for Freddy, and I felt like I was betraying my horror roots. Freddy Krueger is not a sympathetic character. Not in any way, shape, or form, although Englund’s Freddy certainly had a likable quality to him. The 2010 remake unfortunately might be forgettable. Englund’s Krueger had such charm that made him memorable.

I didn’t enjoy other small plot changes, like micronaps. Micronaps are, essentially, when the body is starved of sleep, so the brain forces sleep and the person doesn’t realize they’re asleep. Remember A Nightmare on Elm Street 5: The Dream Child? So in that one, the main character is pregnant, and Freddy is able to come in through the fetus’s dreams. Yeah, the 2010 basically rips this idea off. It felt cheap, and forced. Same effect, less imagination.

From this fan’s perspective it was worth seeing. I give it a B- rating. While it loses points for micronaps, it maintains a decent rating for its perspective on the story. It is what it is. It lacked the charisma of the originals, it lacked what made them GOOD. That’s the risk you take when you remake a movie that earned 6 sequels – 7 if you count Freddy v. Jason. It’s impossible not to compare the two. I feel that if you weren’t a fan of the originals, like if you’d never seen them (more to the crowd of 18 year olds I saw this with), then you’d like this one just fine.