Whorticulture reviews V/H/S
So basically, these thieves are paid by an unknown source to steal a rare tape, but they have to watch all of the tapes to know which one is the right one. They choose to do this in a room where they've found a dead guy in a chair because hey, wouldn't you?
The first one we get is Amateur Night, and it's pretty good.
We meet three huge douchebags who have spy glasses and a plan. What could go wrong in picking up some drunk chicks from a bar, having sex with them (while wearing the spy glasses), then selling the tape to an amateur porn company? Let's shake it up by picking up the creepiest girl there - and her hot slutty friend, which is a bonus. It's got the trio - boobs, blood, and beasts. This one is probably my favorite.
Next we watch Second Honeymoon.
Pretty self explanatory; a couple on second honeymoon in the wild, wild west. I can't really go much farther without ruining the whole thing. This one gets a C+. The gore was decent, but the story wasn't really that great and had a lot of filler. The ending was stupid and kind of killed the whole thing. It was about as scary as an episode of Snapped.
Tuesday the 17th
Okay honestly, if I would have known that was the title before I watched it, it would have ruined the whole thing. As you might imagine from the truly asinine title, a group of teenagers go camping at a lake and get murdered. Title aside though, it was pretty good. The acting was sub-par but the gore was delightful. You guys know I'm down for the cheese so this one was definitely pleasing. One thing though: the girl who runs back to the killer once he's fallen to ask him questions? YOU DESERVED TO DIE.
The Sick Thing That Happened to Emily When She Was Younger
I can't even with this one. Fucking what? Aliens? I don't care. A moderate level of gore - enough to make you uncomfortable. I thought it was a ghost story. That would have been better. Oh, boobs though. Pretty sad boobs couldn't make this one better. Sorry, Joe Swanberg, this one is bad and you should feel bad.
10/31/98
A group of guys going to a Halloween party find some sick shit going on in an empty house. No gore and no boobs, but a story that was interesting as hell. Also really fantastic effects that made it suspenseful and fun. This is the only one that could have been made into a successful full length motion picture. Second favorite of the bunch.
After each of these, we go back to the frame narrative of the criminals invading the house, although I found their story (credited as Tape 56) boring. And that's how V/H/S leaves us.
I don't know if I can recommend this to you guys or not. It's so uneven. I guess I will because the ones that are good are really pretty good and you should see them, but the ones that are bad make you sad you wasted your time. I don't even really know how to rate this. Giving it a low rating isn't fair to the ones that were so good. Second Honeymoon was so middle ground and I'm pretty much going to have to ask for my 15 minutes back on that alien bullshit. So let's see...
6.9/10
I'm sorry, I can't give it a 7. But take the time to watch it and tell me what you think.
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