Whorticulture: Best Of: Best Killers

Whorticulture.com Presents: The Best Horror Movie Killers!

Screw the victims, the killer can make or break a horror movie. Here's our list, in no particular order, of the 5 best butchers horror has to offer.

#5: Jason Voorhees from the Friday the 13th series

This masked serial murderer brings a lot to the table without saying a word. He drowned as a kid, and he has a lot of pent-up rage against slutty camp counselors. He doesn't even have to run after you. This dude can saunter after you, and he's still going to catch up, so just shut up and take it like a champ. Although he's known for his machete, some of our favorite death scenes include swinging a girl around inside a sleeping bag, and freezing someone's face with liquid nitrogen and then smashing it to pieces.

Nice job, Jason! 2 points!

Our favorite Jasons are:

Warrington Gillette, Richard Brooker, C.J. Graham, and Kane Hodder - we also respect his mother for offing Kevin Bacon with an arrow through the neck

#4: Otis B. Driftwood from House of 1000 Corpses

Goddammit, Bill Moseley. We just love you. And your portrayal of Otis pushed our love from moderate to downright shameless. Otis has some of the best dialogue in horror movie history. He spends his time making awesome oddities from pieces of his victims, and he has a penchant for cheerleaders (don't we all?). Rob Zombie's song Pussy Liquor tells you all you need to know about this psycho:
"...Otis was his name
White as a ghost, totally insane.
Otis loves the girls, young and clean,
drowning in a bucket of gasoline."
Indeed, Otis is a man after our own hearts here at whorticulture. Our favorite thing this bad ass does is making that flesh suit out of the cop, then trying to get all romantic with the cop's daughter. He's the one who brings the Christmas candy.

Do you like what you see? DO YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE?

#3: Freddy Krueger from the Nightmare on Elm Street series

Say what you will, but Robert Englund will always be Freddy to us. Sorry, Mr. Bad News Bears. This child murderer turned undead, gloved dream assassin kills mostly teenagers, but he'll fuck anyone up if they get in his way. And we appreciate that. You can't tie yourself down, you know? He's charismatic, kind of charming, and mega deadly. It's a winning combination! He's got dozens of kills under his belt, including stuffing a model's face (literally), killing a teenager in a comic book, killing a teenager in a video game, and he even killed Johnny Depp. But our favorite is an under appreciated murder in Nightmare on Elm Street 4: The Dream Master, where he combines romance with a deadly asthma attack on poor, nerdy Sheila:

Hey Sheila, wanna suck face?

#2: Angela Baker from the Sleepaway Camp sequels

Don't get us wrong - we definitely love Felissa Rose as Angela in the original Sleepaway Camp. That shit is twisted and we'll definitely discuss it at some later time. But right now we're focusing on Pamela Springsteen (sister of some guy named Bruce Springsteen, who you've probably never heard of - just kidding - and did not inherit any singing talent at all) as Angela Baker in Sleepaway Camp 2 & 3. This bitch has quite the past, which is so surprising that we're not about to ruin it for you just yet. Yeah, her past messed with her head just a little, and now she's at camp killing slutty teenagers. TOTALLY ORIGINAL. She tries to have zingy one-liners but it just doesn't work. That's okay, we'll overlook it since she kills the slutty teenagers in original ways. She stuffs firecrackers in their noses, buries a lazy counselor up to her neck in dirt and garbage and mows over her head with a lawnmower, and drowns a hot chick in an outhouse. That last one is our personal favorite. Instead of showing you a picture of that scene, let's just bask in the ultimate 80's hotness that is Valerie Hartman (Ally):

Do you want that face all covered in muck and leeches? We didn't think so.

#1: Baby from House of 1000 Corpses

Oh, Baby Baby Baby. So hot. So deadly. She loves old time movie starlets, baby dolls, and butcher knives. Oh, and she loves being sexy. Goddammit, Rob Zombie. You lucky bastard. Baby and her evil laugh will send chills down your spine. We love everything this fine lady does - we can't pick just one. We love watching her run after her rabbits, we love watching her dance to Brick House while someone gets chopped up. We even love watching her scalp her victims when they get questions wrong. That'll teach 'em! Pro tip: don't be rude during Baby's performances. Make your bitch shut up and watch.