Unnecessary Remakes

Maniac (1980) is Hollywood's Latest Victim in the Remake Game

In news that makes me want to stab myself in the face, Hollywood is remaking Maniac.

And you know who they got to play Frank? 

You'll never guess.

Not in a million years.

I FUCKING WISH I WAS KIDDING.

So in case you don't know, Maniac is a wonderfully cheap, ultra-violet film starring the late Joe Spinell with effects by THE KING Tom Savini.  It's about a guy who is so tortured by his mother's death that he stalks women, scalps them, and thus dresses up a bunch of mannequins in his apartment. 

And you think Elijah fucking Wood can pull that off?  Because I don't.

Real Quick

Hey guys, just a real quick question...

Am I the only one who thinks Tabatha Coffey (the hairstylist on those terrible Bravo shows) looks like a Cenobite?

Come on, I can't be the only one.

The Devil Inside - The Next Big Pile

Going to see The Devil Inside?

You might want to think twice.  My initial response to the trailers was mild annoyance - you mean the Vatican doesn't endorse this film?  I thought the Vatican was always in the practice of endorsing steaming piles of fictional bullshit?  My bad.  I assumed it would be mediocre at best.  A few good jumps, not the worst thing out there...

Today I came across this lovely article from The New York Post.  You can read it here but let me give you some of the details:

"It's not often you'll hear audience members shouting, "I want my money back!" -- over a chorus of boos and hisses -- as the credits roll at a FREE screening."

That's true.  I saw Devil at a free pre-show, nobody hissed or booed, and that movie was SHIT.  Pure and utter shit.  I certainly wanted my money back after seeing it for free.

"'The Devil Inside,' the inception of which I envision as a very stoned late-night conversation in which one underemployed screenwriter says to another, "Dude, what if we did Blair Witch Project but with possession??"..."

Okay right there.  Any reference to Blair Witch should be an immediate RED FLAG.  Bullshit, bullshit, turn around and RUN.I'm not going to keep quoting the article, as it's totally your prerogative to ignore a critic.  And to ignore the 9% rating it has at Rotten Tomatoes.

My prediction (and I feel like anybody with a brain could have this prediction) is that this movie is going to be number 1 this weekend.  I just saw a line of about 700 people standing outside of a Harkins waiting - and on a side note, I'm sorry for pointing and laughing at you and calling you suckers.  Okay no I'm not.  So number 1 this weekend...and then 405th next weekend.  The first weekend only proves you had an effective marketing campaign, and they did.  I even saw a commercial with those Jersey Shore clowns going to see this and acting scared.  But once word of mouth gets out...

Yeah.

And fuck you, Hollywood, because this just proves that we're DESPERATE for good horror.  We crave it.  To the point that we'll go see any of the HORSE CRAP you churn out.  You know that, you feed off of it, and I can't fault you for it.  Even if it's a dick move.

Best and Worst of 2011

The Best and the Absolute Bullshit Worst Horror Movies of 2011

The best horror movie I saw this year...well, the best horror movie I saw this year was Rec 2.  But that came out in 2009.  So the best horror movie of 2011 was FRIGHT NIGHT.

A remake!?  I know!  But it was good and if you saw it, you know it.  I found Colin Farrell's performance surprisingly good, but I really enjoyed David Tennant as vampire hunter/poser Peter Vincent.  It's not that I have anything against David Tennant - my husband is a Blue Box Wholigan from way back.  But he's got the most annoying fan base ever.  I've watched my husband be accosted by angry 14 year old's just for wearing a shirt with a TARDIS on it.  "David Tennant is MINE!" they scream.  Yes, I'm sure he is.  I'm sure he's really into 14 year old's.

In any case, the only complaint I have is McLovin Christopher Mintz-Plasse.  It's not his fault I guess, but his comedic vampire schtick was unnecessary and out of place.  But whatever, it still wins BEST HORROR FILM OF 2011.

As always there were some serious stinkers in 2011.  I feel like Hollywood thinks that scaring teenagers is like shooting fish in a barrel, and that's about the level of effort they put in.  But I'm going to say the worst horror movie of 2011 was DREAM HOUSE because it broke every rule for a good horror movie.  And BIG FUCKING SHOCK, IT SUCKED.  I mean, who came up with that idea?  Let's remake a movie we've all seen 10,000 times, but we'll put in big names, because THAT'LL WORK.  God I hate you.

So let's just forget about that bullshit and look ahead to 2012.  We'll see:
- Ghostbusters 3
- World War Z
- Darren Lynn Bousman's Mother's Day (see, Darren?  I know we've had our differences, and you were a dick to me when I cared more about meeting Bill Moseley and discussing House of 1000 Corpses than kissing your ass over Repo! The Genetic Opera, but I'm still really looking forward to your Mother's Day adaptation)
- Halloween 3D (yeah I don't know either you guys)
- The Lords of Salem (which, at least, has intriguing casting, and my homeboy Ken Foree is in it!)
- Child's Play remake (mhmm)
- Thanksgiving (based on the Grindhouse trailer - but nothing will ever top the classic Thankskilling)

So what were your best & worst horror movies of 2011?  What are you looking forward to in 2012?

What Would You Do in a Zombie Apocalypse?

The results are in!

58% of you said you'd find some rednecks and go a'huntin'.  Sounds fun!

16% said you'd try to find a "safe" location and wait it out.  Boring!

16% of you said you'd get bit and terrorize the neighborhood.  That's what I would pick, too!

8% of you said you'd try to find friends and family.  Yawn.  It's every man for themselves in the zombie apocalypse!

If you didn't get a chance to vote, leave a comment below with what you would do.

Dream House? Big Fat Pass

What's the Buzz on Dream House?

Dream House was released on September 30th.  Did I see it?  Hell no.  I only would have seen it for free, and since nobody offered any passes, I stayed the hell away.  But I checked it out on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB to see just how poorly it did.

According to Rotten Tomatoes, critics say: "Punishingly slow, stuffy, and way too obvious to be scary."  It got a 7%.  Ouch.  IMDB is slightly more kind, giving it a 5.8/10.

I've said it before, kids.  Big names don't do good horror.  You can't cast Daniel Craig and Naomi Watts and expect good scares.  I mean, The Ring?  Come on, prove me wrong. 

It looks like October horror is completely reliant on The Thing remake, which I'm hopeful about.  If it's half as good as the original it should be worth the ticket price.

So is anybody surprised that Dream House is a steaming pile?

Phoenix: Prepare for the Human Centipede Sequel by Seeing the Original!

Hey Phoenix!  Are you excited about the Human Centipede 2: Final Sequence?  After seeing the trailer the other day (if you haven't seen it, check it out here) I am! 

An absolutely grotesque vision of psychosis by Tom Six

 

So why don't you prepare for the sequel by going to see the original at The Royale? 

The Royale secured The Human Centipede 2: Final Sequence for October, but tomorrow night (September 30th) you can see the original at 9:30 pm!  The Royale is located at 108 W Main Street in Mesa.  This is brought to you by the Midnite Movie Mamacita.  Go check it out and support independent theater!