I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

I Know Who Killed Me (2007)

If you saw this movie, odds are you saw it to see Lindsay Lohan stripping. I won’t lie, that’s why I saw it. This movie was panned by almost every critic out there, and I know people who are vehemently against it. But oh good Lord do I love this movie. I do! I love it because it just might be the absolute worst movie I’ve ever seen. So let’s go.

(Warning: this will contain spoilers because if you haven’t seen it yet, I doubt you care that much)

I’m going to start with the positives of this movie. There are only three so it shouldn’t take too long. First off, there’s pretty decent gore in this movie. The torture scenes are pretty good, they’re certainly unsettling. At one point Lindsay loses a finger while she’s stripping. It’s hilarious.

Secondly, there’s a sex scene between Lindsay version 2 (the skanky one who goes by the name of Dakota) and Lindsay version 1’s boyfriend. It’s super hot because she’s rocking two stumps! Oh god I just about died when I saw it. I’m fairly certain she’s not wearing her prosthetics during the scene and she leans back on her missing leg. Oh it’s so funny. It’s both hot AND hilarious.

Third, and this is the best part of the entire movie. Lindsay does something absolutely hilarious with a cigarette during her little strip tease. For this 30 seconds it’s worth seeing the whole movie. No lie, it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever seen.

Okay so those are the only positives I can say about this movie. Oh my god, this movie is so terrible. There are huge plot holes and the ending is so painfully stupid you might want to stab something. So basically what you have here is Dakota who is being mistaken as Aubrey because they’re twins who don’t know each other. Dakota is the hard knock stripper who didn’t really have a family, while Aubrey is the all American “A” student piano playing princess. Aubrey is kidnapped and tortured but Dakota has some stupid “twin stigmata” bullshit which means she carries the same wounds that are being inflicted on her sister.

Throughout a lot of the movie everybody thinks they’re the same girl and that Dakota is faking, or at least doesn’t remember. There’s a scene where the police are searching Aubrey’s laptop and come across a story she’s written for school that is basically Dakota’s life, and of course, the name of the girl in the written story is Dakota. What the fuck? This ends up going nowhere. You find out they’re not the same girl and they don’t explain this. Anyway, what really pisses me off about this is that the cops think they’ve come across some huge break in the story, when LATER you find out that the password to Aubrey’s laptop is, in fact, Dakota. So why don’t the cops figure THAT out?

Moving on, it’s clear the director Chris Sivertson was trying for something really artsy but it just fails and comes off as contrived and ridiculous. For example, all the blue. What the hell? Blue turns out to be a significant color to the killer because of his fondness for blue ribbons and always being the best, but it ends up falling flat. How the hell did he have all those blue glass weapons made? Another thing, Dakota ends up meeting some guy on the bus who she has sex with, and his tattoo sprouts wings and suddenly you feel like you’re hallucinating. It comes out of nowhere and makes no sense with the rest of the movie. And another thing, why does the killer have so many prosthetic limbs hanging from the ceiling? AND ANOTHER THING, when Dakota finally reaches her sister (who has been mutilated and buried alive in a glass coffin), why does she pull her out and lay on the ground with her? Don’t you think your sister needs some help? She’s lost her arm and leg! No, just lay on the ground for a while, it’ll be fine.

The only things this movie is good at, is being the best worst movie I’ve ever seen and making me laugh when I’m probably not supposed to. Lindsay never gets naked, although you almost get to see boob during the amputee sex scene. Hey, it’s important to me, okay? I actually do recommend this movie because it’s the worst thing you’ll ever see. If you go in expecting not to be shaking your head and asking yourself “HAHA WHAT THE FUCK?!” the whole time, you’re going to hate it. It’s terrible, it really is. I think Lindsay was going for something sexy and sinister, like along the lines of Showgirls, but this movie isn’t even as good as Showgirls (which is one of my favorite movies). I’m sure Lindsay, as well as Julia Ormond and anybody else trying to have a career is totally mortified that this movie was ever made. Not me though. I’ll watch it every damn time I can, just to laugh.

I give it 2/10 if I’m taking it seriously, but an 8/10 on pure atrocity.


And, as always, I want to hear your opinions. Let's hear it, MogulArmy, I know you're going to rip this movie to shreds. <3