What Would You Do in a Zombie Apocalypse?

The results are in!

58% of you said you'd find some rednecks and go a'huntin'.  Sounds fun!

16% said you'd try to find a "safe" location and wait it out.  Boring!

16% of you said you'd get bit and terrorize the neighborhood.  That's what I would pick, too!

8% of you said you'd try to find friends and family.  Yawn.  It's every man for themselves in the zombie apocalypse!

If you didn't get a chance to vote, leave a comment below with what you would do.

Dream House? Big Fat Pass

What's the Buzz on Dream House?

Dream House was released on September 30th.  Did I see it?  Hell no.  I only would have seen it for free, and since nobody offered any passes, I stayed the hell away.  But I checked it out on Rotten Tomatoes and IMDB to see just how poorly it did.

According to Rotten Tomatoes, critics say: "Punishingly slow, stuffy, and way too obvious to be scary."  It got a 7%.  Ouch.  IMDB is slightly more kind, giving it a 5.8/10.

I've said it before, kids.  Big names don't do good horror.  You can't cast Daniel Craig and Naomi Watts and expect good scares.  I mean, The Ring?  Come on, prove me wrong. 

It looks like October horror is completely reliant on The Thing remake, which I'm hopeful about.  If it's half as good as the original it should be worth the ticket price.

So is anybody surprised that Dream House is a steaming pile?

Phoenix: Prepare for the Human Centipede Sequel by Seeing the Original!

Hey Phoenix!  Are you excited about the Human Centipede 2: Final Sequence?  After seeing the trailer the other day (if you haven't seen it, check it out here) I am! 

An absolutely grotesque vision of psychosis by Tom Six

 

So why don't you prepare for the sequel by going to see the original at The Royale? 

The Royale secured The Human Centipede 2: Final Sequence for October, but tomorrow night (September 30th) you can see the original at 9:30 pm!  The Royale is located at 108 W Main Street in Mesa.  This is brought to you by the Midnite Movie Mamacita.  Go check it out and support independent theater!

Paranormal Activity 3: Tweet To See It First!

The new Paranormal Activity 3 trailer is out, you can check it out here.  I think it looks pretty good.

In pretty cool news, they've launched the first-ever-of-its-kind campaign of TWEET TO SEE IT FIRST.  Go to ParanormalMovie.com and vote for your nearest city (you'll probably have to zoom in a lot, I had to zoom in like 4 times to find Phoenix and we're the 5th biggest city in the country), and the movie will debut in the top 20 cities!

Come on Phoenix, I know we can do this.  We got the Wolverine premier, we can do this!  VOTE!  Uncle Eddie wants to see it!

Review of Spliced (2002)

Whorticulture.com Reviews Spliced (2002)

I wanted to review this movie so nobody makes the same mistake I did, which was mistaking it for the movie Splice and inevitably getting sucked in to the shit show.

So here we have Spliced, which really should have been named The Wisher, and really shouldn't have sucked as hard as it did.  It's a movie about a high school girl who loves horror movies.  I was immediately sucked in as she told her high school psychiatrist (what, your high school didn't have a shrink?) about her sexual arousal from being scared.  I thought "ha, this is going to be soft core porn."  I was wrong.  Nothing ever came about with her sexual arousal, leading to a severe WTF factor every time she talked to her shrink.  Hello, awkward. 

Anyway, she and her friends go see this film called The Wisher, basically a shitty knock-off of the movie Wishmaster.  It's about tree deities that grant wishes that go terribly awry.  It's apparently terrifying because we keep hearing how it's been banned in 2 states, how it's caused teenagers to kill, etc.  We don't get to see much of it, thankfully, aside from some stupid one-liners and terrible faux-3D, as our protagonist gets ill and runs out of the theater.   Her wishes soon start to come true and people start dropping dead - or at least getting sliced up - and she realizes that the killer from the movie is stalking her in real life!

Sigh.  So many problems with this movie.  First off, this moron keeps saying things like "I wish you'd drop dead" or "I wish you'd shut up."  Nobody really talks like that, and it's far too obviously a cheap ploy for action.  Of course her wishes come true.  But does she learn to stop wishing for dumb shit like that?  No.  At one point she wishes her friend would crash the car she is currently riding in.  Awesome.  Let's review the things I wished for during this movie.  I wish I had my 2 hours back.  I wish the girl who got naked had a better rack.  I wish I had a severe head injury.

Okay so the movie is called Spliced, right?  The Wisher film, we learn, is spliced with blank cells baring only tiny weird red symbols.  These are apparently what affects the audience and causes people to kill, but they are 100% unnecessary.  They're hardly discussed, and eventually you just assume that it's the severe violence and gore apparently in The Wisher that causes people to kill.  Yeah, it went there. 

Oh and don't let me forget that Drew fucking Lachey is in this cinematic abortion.  You're supposed to think it's him following this girl around and granting her wishes, but it's not and you never think it is.  The film totally fails in fooling you.  Although I will say I didn't guess who it was because it was such a minor character.  I'll give it that - not that it helps.

Fuck this, I'm going to spoil it for you.  You shouldn't watch it anyway, so it's no big loss to you.  I don't even know how to say this, it's literally that stupid.  So...the girl figures out that she needs to see the end of The Wisher to figure out how to stop the killer.  She illegally downloads the movie (OMG shameful!) but doesn't understand that, in trying to see the end, downloading the part clearly marked "Part 1" and ignoring the part marked "Part 3" might not be super helpful.  She's screaming at her computer for being wrong (sigh), I'm wishing I had nails to hammer into my eyes, and once she figures it out her connection fails.  She did notice, however, that the end of the movie takes place in front of her house with a starlet who looks just like her.  "He thinks I'm the girl from the movie!"  No.  No he doesn't.  Shut the fuck up.

It ends, and I am not kidding you, by her screaming at the killer "I wish you were dead!" and him clawing himself nearly to death.  He claws off his disguise, you see who it is, and the movie basically ends with him crying on her lawn.

I wish I were dead.

2/10.  F-.  Avoid at all costs unless you're REALLY, REALLY, shamefully bored.  I have an excuse - I recently had surgery and I'm pretty much stuck in my house.  If you don't have that kind of excuse, steer clear.  I wish I had.

Atrocious Trailer

Coming Soon: Atrocious

Here's the trailer for Atrocious, in theaters 8/17.



Thoughts?  Seems kind of Paranormal Activity meets Blair Witch to me.  This leaves me less than thrilled.

Are we over this whole found footage fad yet? 

REC 2 - Must See!

Whorticulture.com Strongly Recommends REC 2

I just realized I never got around to reviewing REC, the original Quarantine.  If you haven't seen it, you should.

In any case, last night I finally got my hands on a copy of REC 2.  This shit seriously took about a year to get to my house.  Horror fans, it was definitely worth the wait.

Quick Plot:  It jumps right in where the first one lets off, as police are searching the quarantined building for survivors.  They've brought along a doctor, who actually turns out (tiny spoiler) to be a priest, and shit goes haywire from there.

In the original, they're dealing with a virus similar to rabies which is infecting the tenants of this building and turning them into zombies (I use the term "zombies" loosely.  They're more like 28 Days Later rage creatures).  The sequel delves a bit deeper into the virus, which isn't really a virus at all - well, I guess it is in the way it transmits by blood and saliva - but more the physiological effects of demonic possession.  This is an EPIC. TURN. and shoots the scare value way past 11.

There aren't any cheap scares in REC 2.  No loud noises or sudden jumps - unless you're really really jumpy, I guess.  Most scares are suspense based.  Same format as before: no soundtrack (A+) and entirely POV based.  This one adds a "jump-in" feature, where other characters can override the original camera with their POV cams, which feels like a video game at times, but I wouldn't say in a bad way.  Low to moderate on unnecessary gore.

REC 2 is totally HNL ('hole 'nother level) and shockingly good for a sequel.  Make the effort to get your hands on it, because while Quarantine and REC are extremely similar, Quarantine 2 is about some airplane bullshit and doesn't look nearly as good.  DO NOT WAIT FOR THE AMERICAN VERSION OF THIS MOVIE.  Suck it up and read some subtitles.  You will thank me SO HARD.  Total A+, 10/10.

Paranormal Activity 3 Trailer

I know, I'm late on this and I don't update anymore.  I have a full-sized gremlin growing inside me, cut me some slack.

And while you're at it, check out the PA3 trailer:



Let's hear what you think.  Is Bloody Mary lame, or a good way to open the door for the demon?  Does this trailer make you want to see it?  A prequel for a prequel, what do you think?

Human Centipede II BANNED IN THE UK!

Tom Six has been pretty mum on details regarding the sequel to The Human Centipede, but has promised it will make the original look like My Little Pony.  Pardon my excitement.

Today, the sequel was rejected by the BBFC.  Here's why:

"The first film dealt with a mad doctor who sews together three kidnapped people in order to produce the ‘human centipede’of the title. Although the concept of the film was undoubtedly tasteless and disgusting it was a relatively traditional and conventional horror film and the Board concluded that it was not in breach of our Guidelines at ‘18’. This new work, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), tells the story of a man who becomes sexually obsessed with a DVD recording of the first film and who imagines putting the ‘centipede’ idea into practice. Unlike the first film, the sequel presents graphic images of sexual violence, forced defecation, and mutilation, and the viewer is invited to witness events from the perspective of the protagonist. Whereas in the first film the ‘centipede’ idea is presented as a revolting medical experiment, with the focus on whether the victims will be able to escape, this sequel presents the ‘centipede’ idea as the object of the protagonist’s depraved sexual fantasy.

The principal focus of The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence) is the sexual arousal of the central character at both the idea and the spectacle of the total degradation, humiliation, mutilation, torture, and murder of his naked victims. Examples of this include a scene early in the film in which he masturbates whilst he watches a DVD of the original Human Centipede film, with sandpaper wrapped around his penis, and a sequence later in the film in which he becomes aroused at the sight of the members of the ‘centipede’ being forced to defecate into one another’s mouths, culminating in sight of the man wrapping barbed wire around his penis and raping the woman at the rear of the ‘centipede’. There is little attempt to portray any of the victims in the film as anything other than objects to be brutalised, degraded and mutilated for the amusement and arousal of the central character, as well as for the pleasure of the audience. There is a strong focus throughout on the link between sexual arousal and sexual violence and a clear association between pain, perversity and sexual pleasure. It is the Board’s conclusion that the explicit presentation of the central character’s obsessive sexually violent fantasies is in breach of its Classification Guidelines and poses a real, as opposed to a fanciful, risk that harm is likely to be caused to potential viewers.

David Cooke, Director of the BBFC said: “It is the Board's carefully considered view that to issue a certificate to this work, even if confined to adults, would be inconsistent with the Board's Guidelines, would risk potential harm within the terms of the VRA, and would be unacceptable to the public.

“The Board also seeks to avoid classifying material that may be in breach of the Obscene Publications Acts 1959 and 1964 (OPA) or any other relevant legislation. The OPA prohibits the publication of works that have a tendency to deprave or corrupt a significant proportion of those likely to see them. In order to avoid classifying potentially obscene material, the Board engages in regular discussions with the relevant enforcement agencies, including the CPS, the police, and the Ministry of Justice. It is the Board’s view that there is a genuine risk that this video work, The Human Centipede II (Full Sequence), may be considered obscene within the terms of the OPA, for the reasons given above."

Sweet Zombie Jesus!  I don't even have words.

What do you think?  Will you still see The Human Centipede II?  Or are you totally turned off?

Friday the 13th

Happy Jason Day everybody!

Unless you live in Crystal Lake, Illinois, you're probably just staying home and watching the machete-wielding masked monster on TV.  Yeah, I am too. 

And if you live in Crystal Lake, Illinois...you're probably not doing anything, because there's not even a camp there.  HOW THE HELL IS THERE NOT A CAMP THERE!?  Should we pool our money and build one?  Obviously. 

In any case, what's your favorite Friday the 13th?  I love 1 & 2, but for some reason I also love 8 (Jason Takes Manhattan).

Thankskilling: The Beaquel Needs YOU!

Last year I reviewed a truly inspirational piece of cinema called Thankskilling.  My review must have been amazing because many of you - my precious readers - watched it too.  Lots of you loved it.  Some of you hated it.  Either way you have to admit, it crawled like a parasitic worm into your brain AND your heart, where it still resides to this day.

Here's your chance to make the sequel happen.

Check out Jordan Downey's Kickstarter page where they're asking for donations.  BAM.  (Seriously, go to watch the video, it's delicious and all kinds of sexy)

You might be wondering why you should throw your hard earned money at this project.  Aside from the fact that the original Thankskilling brought joy to children of all ages, they are offering the best perks for donations I have ever freaking seen.  Ever.  I'm just speechless over them.  Some of them offer your very own gravy flavored condom.  WHAT.

I mean you can throw them any amount of money, but my favorite is probably the $200 donation:

Pledge $200 or more

And consider yourself a FOWL-MOUTHED PRODUCER like the best of 'em! Your name will scroll like no other in the end credits under the heading "Fowl-Mouthed Producers" and we'll even list you on IMDB, should you wish that upon your career. And since you've got a knack for profanity, we'll let you choose your FAVORITE SWEAR WORD to appear beside your name in the credits! Have fun with it -- "Nick Rubin: Butt Sniffer!" You'll also get stuffed with the DVD, T-Shirt, Poster, and all the swag listed above!

ASTOUNDING.

Be a part of movie history.  I'm pretty sure this is what I'm going to be asking for when my birthday rolls around.  TAKE NOTE, ASSHOLES.  If you're a fan (and how can you not be a fan of these guys!?) throw them a little bit of cash.  Do it for me.  DO IT FOR HORROR MOVIES.  Do it for your mom - I heard she's a huge Thankskilling fan.  Do it for Whorticulture.com.

Fantastic News for Phoenix, Arizona

Whorticulture.com has THE BEST NEWS EVER for the Phoenix Area!

If you live in the Phoenix area, and you don't know who the Midnite Movie Mamacita is, YOU ARE MISSING OUT, SON!  Let me fill you in.  Triple M is a hot little number all the way from New Zealand who makes it her mission to bring you the absolute BEST (and the best of the worst) in Horror, Grindhouse, and B-movies every weekend!  If it weren't for the Midnite Movie Mamacita and friends, your life would SUCK.  And that's a fact!

So now that you understand how much you love this little lady, I have great news.  After 5 years of bringing face-kicking awesome to the Valley, she's bustin' out and opening her own venue in Historic Downtown Mesa!

"A cool place to watch movies, that's what it boils down to.  You love the films, we love showing them.  We want to bring you the best in new and classic genre films in a convenient and comfortable spot, while also tantalizing your taste-buds with our unique commissary."

So what can you do?   There are a lot of ways you can help.  The easiest way is to go see her kick ass movies - this weekend they're showing Rubber at MADCAP Theaters!

Yeah, it's a killer tire.  I hear it's BRILLIANT.

Other ways you can help?  Check out the site and help a sista out!  BAM!

Do it, fans!  This is your chance to make your life 50% more awesome (I'm lowballing it here folks), and help out a kick ass lady in the process!

Scream 4 - What Did You Think?

Whorticulture.com Wants To Hear From You!

So kiddies, Scream 4 comes out today and lots of you saw it at last night's midnight showing.

Let us know what you thought.

Leave a comment with a review and you could win a prize!  OH SHIT!  Get on it!

Sincerely,
Your pals at Whorticulture.com


**Our prize is 2 free movie passes**

Dagon

Whorticulture.com Reviews Dagon

I've wanted to see Dagon for some time because I thought the cover looked pretty bad ass (yes, this is how I choose movies in the video store).  So I watched it yesterday on Netflix, and I'm still trying to figure out if I regret the decision.

Dagon is too good to be mediocre, and too mediocre to be good.  That's really the best I can say.

Quick Plot Outline: 4 American tourists are shipwrecked in a village in Spain, and they have a real bad time with the fishy villagers.

There were some really awesome aspects to this movie.  I haven't read the Lovecraft book this is based on (The Shadow Over Innsmouth - NOT Dagon) but I really enjoyed the plot.  I know the director, Stuart Gordon, made some drastic changes, so if you're a fan of Lovecraft you may not appreciate this film.  All of the computer generated effects were totally lame, but the gore effects were pretty decent. 

See?  Totally lame.  Are you vomiting tentacles at me?

There's a scene where an old man loses his face, and it was legit almost too much for me.  And the fishy people were pretty good.  I was certain I was going to have nightmares about them last night - not because they were scary, but because they were fairly disgusting and I couldn't shake them out of my brain.

I really appreciated that they gave us the back story of the village and how they came to worship the Philistine god Dagon.  However, I would have liked the back story of the character Paul, and how the hell he...well I can't say, that's a major part of the plot.  But if you watch it, you'll know what I mean.

Speaking of Paul, the majority of the film is him running from fishy villagers.  Seriously, for like, an hour.  And you get really sick of it.  Where the hell you gonna go, Paul?  I'm bored.  Hurry up and get caught so this shit can progress.

The ending is really abrupt, too.  I mean, it makes sense and all, but it just comes out of nowhere - BAM it's over.

My favorite character was Uxía, played by Macarena Gomez.  Gomez really gave off the vibe that she was enjoying herself, where the other characters fell flat a lot of the time.

I would bang a fish if she were this hot.

I'm going to give Dagon a 6.5 out of 10.  That's a C+.  I was bored AND into it at the same time.  If anyone has seen it I'd love to hear what you thought.  And if you have some time to kill, check it out on Netflix.

Our Recommendation for April

Whorticulture.com Recommends A Movie To Cure Your April Blues

People are always asking me for recommendations, and right now I've got a great one for you that's on the Netflix Instant Queue.

This low budget Belgian gorefest was picked up and redistributed by Troma, which means absolute B-Movie quality.

The plot is simple: these two elderly aunts receive a birthday present from their nephew, which turns them into bloodthirsty monsters.  Tons of blood splatter and laughs ensue as they devour their greedy relatives.

Go ahead, check it out.  Let us know how much you love it.

And while you're at it, leave us your April recommendations!

The Telling

Whorticulture.com Reviews The Telling

Three girls are pledging the strictest sorority on campus, and because of the suicide of a pledge last year, these hopefuls have to regale their prospective sisters with scary stories.

With a premise like that, how could it possibly go wrong?

I can't believe I sat through an hour and 15 minutes of this garbage.  I'm not totally to blame - my cable is out today and this has been sitting on my TiVo for a few months.  Still, I'd like my hour and 15 minutes back, please.

The big draw to this movie is that it stars Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, Hef's former squeezes and girls who have certainly been eye candy to yours truly.  Their acting skills are about half a step up from poo floating in a pool...no, wait, that's not really fair to the poo.  Their acting skills are ON PAR with poo floating in a pool.  Holly stars as the head bitch of the sorority.  It's much better if you mute the television and just stare at her rack.  Bridget is the star of story number 2, which is by far the worst story (her lack of acting skill, or "lackting" plays a fairly sizable role in the suckage, but you can't discount that the story is just. fucking. stupid).

The first story is about an evil, possessive doll.  It was kind of like watching Christine if you had a massive head injury.  The doll is in love with the guy and kills anyone who comes between them.  It is a total snoozefest.

The second story, the one with Bridget, is about a movie star who takes "the last role on Earth" and turns out to be filming for the undead.  Or something.  It really doesn't matter, you're just happy when it's over.  Oh but you do get to see a topless Christine Nguyen, the only tits this film has to offer.

The third story had the most suspense, which is to say on a scale of 1 -10 it was about a 3.  These three girls make a prank phone call and hear someone being murdered, then the killer comes and picks them off one by one.  This story also has a scene with a cable guy literally smearing one of the girl's panties all over his face.  This 15 seconds was the best of the entire film.  At least it was funny.

So then you come back to the sorority, where SURPRISE!  They aren't really picking any of these girls, they've been hiding two behind a curtain this whole time!  And again, you don't really care.  Oh, and the sorority girls have all been poisoned.  Whatever, all I could think about was the true blessing of this atrocity being over in two minutes.  Their death scenes are terrible and drawn out, and you have to wonder if they've ever even seen a horror movie where somebody dies.  I'm going to guess NO. 

I'm not even going to rate this movie.  I'm just going to give it an F minus.  You could hand a bunch of third graders the script for Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, and what they present you would be a million times better than this movie.

I hate you, The Telling.

Your Opinion of George Romero

Whorticulture.com Asked, You Answered: What Do You Think of George Romero?

The first question we posed was your opinion of his latest movies (ex.:  Land of the Dead, Diary of the Dead, and Survival of the Dead).

Which is the worst?

Land of the Dead - his first attempt since 1985's Day of the Dead - scored 7%.

Diary of the Dead scored 14%.

Survival of the Dead - the latest cinematic abortion - scored a whopping 64%.

Of course, the options "I've only seen Dawn of the Dead" and "I've never seen any of these" each scored 7%, finishing out the poll with 99%.

Why this is surprising:  That many of you saw Survival of the Dead?

Why this isn't surprising:  Dawn of the Dead was Romero's magnum opus.  Following Night of the Living Dead, it was by far his greatest work.  And since then, with Day of the Dead and onward, they've gotten progressively worse.  I remember seeing Land of the Dead and being moderately disappointed, thinking nothing could get worse.  Then I saw Diary of the Dead.  And then, sadly, I saw Survival of the Dead.  I don't recommend either. 

So then we asked you "Should George Romero stop making movies?"

7% of you said no way!

7% of you said only his zombie movies suck.  Honestly I've only seen a few of his non-zombie films so I can't really judge that.  I saw his version of The Crazies though, and you can read my review of it here.

15% of you expressed surprise that George Romero still makes movies.  Ha.

And 69% of you said "please god, yes!"

There you have it.  George, your movies suck now.  Take the hint and bow out while you can still muster some grace about it.  Just kidding, you lost that with Survival of the Dead.  God, that was a blistering piece of crap.

And yes, I know he's writing some zombie books, which I'm certain he'll turn into more cinematic abortions.  And yes, I'll be here to complain about them.  Join me, won't you?

As always, thanks for voting.  Stay tuned for more polls.  And don't forget to comment - we love hearing your opinions over here.  Even if you think we're dead wrong.  

Dead Island Trailer

Whorticulture.com Wants To Know: What Do You Think of the Dead Island Trailer?

I love zombie-based video games.  I play Left 4 Dead 1 & 2 like it's going out of style.  So I think the premise for Dead Island sounds pretty awesome - survival on a tropical island filled with zombies.  I'm down. 

But there's so much debate going on over the trailer.  Watch it here:

Not gonna lie, it made me sad.  But it didn't make me TOO sad, and I don't really think it goes too far.

Read this article by Ben Parfitt.  He does bring up some valid points. 

So what do my readers think?  Even if you don't play video games, does the trailer go too far? 

And just for the sake of comparison, here's the L4D2 trailer.

Upcoming Events: Saturday, February 19th 2011

Check out these upcoming Horror Events!

This Saturday, February 19th, the always awesome Midnite Movie Mamacita brings Dream Home to MADCAP Theaters!

From the MADCAP website:
When she was a child, Cheng Lai-sheung (Josie Ho) could see Hong Kong’s famed Victoria Harbor from her apartment. But as time passed, the old buildings in front of her home were demolished to make way for a huge residential project that now blocks her view. Increasingly disappointed and upset, she vowed to one day save up enough money for her family to move into a new apartment with a magnificent sea view.  In order to get what she wants, she must take matters into her own hands...even if it means getting her hands seriously bloody.  Official Selection Tribeca Film Festival 2010.  This program is presented in digital.

Shows are at 6 & 10, only $8!

And while you're there, check out the other shows coming your way.  There's some great stuff coming up, you won't be disappointed!

Deadgirl

Whorticulture.com Reviews Deadgirl

A bunch of Troma guys got together and made an actually GOOD film.  Imagine that.

Deadgirl was recommended to me today, and if you know anything about recommending movies to me, it's that I don't get to them right away.  But this had two things going for it: #1. It was available on instant queue.  #2. The info (basically "two male high school students stumble upon a dead girl in a basement") kind of sounded like Stir of Echoes and that intrigued me.

The tagline for Deadgirl is "You'll never forget your first time."  Being the smartass that I am, I totally thought I had this whole movie figured out before I started it. 

Haha, nope.

This movie surprised me right and left.  There were major plot turns I didn't expect, and even for a movie really low on gore I have to give it two very enthusiastic thumbs up.  It was so good that we just sat in silence while the credits rolled, trying to wrap our minds around any comments we could make.

I can't say more because it would be really unfair to spoil any of this for you guys.  I mean, it's not like the most surprising movie of the century or anything, but it was really good and you should definitely check it out.  That being said, I hope a conversation starts about this movie in the comments, because there are a lot of things that didn't make sense.  Example: What role did the dog play?  Oh, and what do we think happened to the Deadgirl in the end?

My vote is a 9 out of 10.

Trivia: The main dude, Shiloh Fernandez (Rickie) was almost Edward Cullen. 

The Roommate

Whorticulture.com Reviews The Roommate

So...okay.  I tried not to be against this movie from the beginning, but it was impossible.  There is no reason for horror movies OR thrillers with a PG-13 rating.  This movie especially.  I'm going to have to assume I was too old for this movie, because it's obviously made for teenagers.

I was too busy eye rolling and playing on my phone through most of this (that should tell you something), so I didn't take many notes.  I'll point out important points.

1:  I swear to God, this movie is like The Disney Channel remade Single White Female.  (Both based on the John Lutz novel).

2:  I'll give them credit on their casting choices.  Leighton Meester and Minka Kelly become almost  indistinguishable - probably a little earlier on than desired - but by that point I was so bored with the movie I gave up trying.  The acting is decent.  It's the turning of the plot into a Disney classic that fails.

3:  I'm sorry, but this was ridiculously boring and predictable.  It's basically rated PG-13 for "menacing," whatever the hell that means.  Seriously, you've seen this story so many times before, and you've seen it BETTER in Single White Female.

4:  As you can tell with the PG-13 rating, there's no gore.  And there's really very little scare.  Ripping out a belly button ring?  I'm bored.

So who is going to like this movie?  Kids too young to see Single White Female.  Fans of The Disney Channel.  But it's too much of a drama to be scary.  I don't recommend this for anyone over the age of 15.  I give this a 4 out of 10, and I'm being seriously generous. 

Just go rent Single White Female.  You'll thank me.

Poll Results & What's Coming

Poll Results

Here are the poll results for our last poll: "Who's Your Favorite Movie Hero?"

Muscle Bound Studs 2%

Nerdy, Wimpy Guys 4%

Innocent Good Girls 7%

Sluts with Big Boobs 34%

Bad Bitches with Big Guns 51%

Although I'm calling shenanigans because our reader MogulArmy campaigned and promised sexual favors for anyone who voted for Bad Bitches with Big Guns.

We've got a new poll over to the right.  This is part 1 of our 2 part poll so make sure you vote!

What's Coming at Whorticulture

I just sat through Single White Female The Roommate, I'll have that review up in the next few days.  Definitely before it's released on the 4th.

Current Events: Saturday, January 22nd 2011

Everybody head over to MADCAP theaters on Saturday, Jan. 22nd for a special 35mm viewing of the 1980 horror classic, Maniac!

From MADCAP's website:

MANIAC (1980)stars Joe Spinell (ROCKY, THE GODFATHER, TAXI DRIVER) as Frank Zito, a deeply disturbed man haunted by the traumas of unspeakable childhood abuse. When these horrific memories begin to scream inside his mind, Frank prowls the seedy streets of New York City to stalk and slaughter innocent young women. Even as he begins a relationship with a beautiful photographer (Caroline Munro of THE SPY WHO LOVED ME), Frank continues to act on his vile compulsions. The film holds nothing back in depicting the atrocities of a human monster.  MANIAC earned instant notoriety in 1980 as the most graphic and disturbing of all slasher films, thanks to the gruesome special effects wizardry of Tom Savini (DAWN OF THE DEAD, FRIDAY THE 13TH). Gene Siskel and Roger Ebert called for their audience to boycott MANIAC, feminists protested the film's brutal violence, and other critics simply reviled the film as "sick" and "dirty."  This program is presented in 35mm.


This one ain't for the faint of heart, guys.  But it's good, I've seen it before and I can't wait to catch it in 35mm!

Brought to you by the kick ass Midnite Movie Mamacita!  Only $8!  Showings at 8 & 10!  See you there!

Update
I just found out that they're giving away tickets to see The Mechanic on Tuesday at 7 at Tempe Marketplace!  So come see Maniac, and score a free ticket!

Hilarious and Awesome: Film News for 1.12.11

First, let's check out awesome.  Ever seen Old Boy? 

That's a damn fine movie - a fantastic example of modern day revenge tragedy.  So according to this article, the director of Old Boy Park Chan-Wook is shooting a movie entirely on the iPhone.

That's crazy!  I'm in awe of technology.

And now, hilarious.  Apparently Oprah's movie Beloved (based on Toni Morrison's book, which is amazing) came out the same weekend as Bride of Chucky.  And Beloved lost, terribly.

How does Oprah handle losing to Bride of Chucky?  She eats 30 pounds of mac and cheese.  Gross.  Read that article here.  And how did she not know what a Chucky was?

Best Horror Movie of 2010 Poll Results

Here's how you voted for the best horror movie of 2010.

The Wolfman, Nightmare on Elm Street remake, Devil, Survival of the Dead, Piranha 3D, My Soul to Take, Saw 3D – 0%

Daybreakers, Buried, I Spit On Your Grave remake, The Crazies remake, Let Me In  -  16% each

Paranormal Activity 2  -  66%

And the winner:

The Last Exorcism  -  83%

Thanks for voting!  Make sure you take the time to vote on our new poll!

The Children

Whorticulture.com Reviews The Children

A few nights ago I sat down to one of my suggestions, The Children, a Brit Horror film from 2008.

I didn't know anything about this movie, so I assumed it was going to be like Beware! Children At Play but with a bigger budget.  But no, nothing is like Beware! Children At Play.

Quick plot outline: Two families meet up for Christmas, when the young children catch a virus that turns them into murderous little monsters.

There were pretty decent scares in this movie.  The run time is only 84 minutes, and it takes its sweet ass time getting to a point, but once it does it's pretty good.  They cut away from a lot of the gore, but what you do get is decent.

The "scream at your TV" factor of this movie is definitely a 10.  I don't care if it's mommy's sweet little boy, if he's coming at me with a knife, I'm kicking his ass down the stairs.  I can't even look my neighbors in the eye right now because I'm sure they heard me screaming some crazy shit about killing children.  I have no shame, I would have killed these kids right away.

You don't even know, I'm taking these fuckers out!  With a quickness!

Pretty much everyone who dies in this movie is someone who deserves it.  The kills are highly satisfying.  Sure, to some extent it's a plot you've seen before (Children of the Damned and a few others), but I'd recommend checking it out.  I had fun watching it.

I give this movie a 7/10.  Thanks to Brixie for the suggestion!