Quarantine 2

Whorticulture Reviews Quarantine 2

Hello Freaks.  This weekend I sat through Quarantine 2, based on a request I received in my last post.  I'm late to the party AS USUAL, so I think a lot of you have seen this already.  In any case, here's what I thought.

You probably know that the original Quarantine was basically a mirror image of the Spanish film REC, and you might know that I ranked REC 2 as one of the best horror movies I've ever seen.  Sadly, whoever came up with Quarantine 2 decided to say a big FUCK YOU to the glory that is the REC series and go a totally different way with this sequel.

First off, I want to point out that this movie is NOT a found footage film.  I know I've been bagging on ff a lot lately, but when it's done well I can't hate.  But why follow an ff movie with this?  It's just a movie about a bunch of people on a plane out of Los Angeles, taking place concurrently with the original Quarantine.

In the original Quarantine it's assumed that all of this mess starts because of some super-rabies virus, and that's confirmed here.  Apparently the residents of the apartment building were unwilling test subjects for this super-virus and it got out of hand LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES.  And there you go.  That, my friends, is horrendously inferior to the plot of REC2.

If you see this, keep all thoughts of REC2 out of your mind.  I think that's what ruined this for me, because it was just so goddamn inferior I couldn't enjoy it.  On it's own I think it's decent.  Maybe a 7 out of 10 (but more like a 6 on a good day).  The acting is mediocre at times - I found the chemistry between the two flight attendants awkward and unbelievable - but the suspense is pretty tight through the whole thing.  Maybe that's just because I'm a big wuss when it comes to flying.  A super turbulent emergency landing?  Yeah I can't with that mess.  It's fairly claustrophobic, so it's got that going for it.  I thought I would care more when the characters died but I mostly just meh'd through the whole thing.  Oh, and it went heavier on the gore this round, and while I'm usually a big fan of that, it didn't seem like a good fit.

So at the end you find out that they've made it to McCarran, Las Vegas's airport.  It's totally set up for a third and PLEASE YOU GUYS DON'T DO IT.  I could not give less of a fuck about these "zombies" invading Vegas, so let's just not and say we did, ok?

In short: I expected to hate it more than I did, it was pretty mediocre, and everyone should just go watch REC2 instead.

6/10 - Tell me what you think!

It's Good to be Back

Hola, Bitches!

My New Year's Resolution was to get off my lazy ass and review more movies on this website, so here I am!  I know, you assholes missed me so much.  I won't bore you with my life, instead I'll bore you with this piece of shit movie I just sat through.

Apartment 143

I had some free time today, so I thought I'd watch one of the movies on my Netflix instant queue.  On a scale of 1 to 10, I give this movie a 1.  I'm being so generous, too.  It was straight up ASS.

Please don't waste your time on this mess.  Let me tell you...

"Hired by a family to investigate supernatural activity in their apartment, a paranormal research group find themselves haunted by a malevolent force." - Netflix info

The tagline of this movie is "The First Real Ghost Story."  I don't know who they think they're fooling.  I can tell right off the bat that it's not a real ghost story, since it stars (a much older and fatter version of) fucking FRED FROM ROSEANNE.  

In any case, it's like any of the other found footage films that have been shoved down our throats in recent years, except this one tried REALLY, REALLY HARD.  It wanted to be Paranormal Activity so bad, but it ended up making Paranormal Activity look like  Citizen fucking Kane.  It employed every cheesy trick in the book to look low budget and believable, and it failed constantly.  Shaky camera?  Check.  Filtered footage?  Check.  The effects they used to make the film look grainy were obvious, making the whole thing just scream FAKE for 80 minutes.  The acting was some of the most atrocious acting I've seen since I saw a bunch of grade school kids perform Shakespeare. 

I cannot stress to you how bad this was.  I had to fight the urge to turn it off 10 minutes in, and it never managed to suck me in.  The only thing that kept me going was the thought of trashing it on the internet and hopefully stopping any of you from watching it.  It wasn't even so bad it's good, it...ugh, I can't even with this mess.

I read so many reviews for this movie that were positive.  You know why?  Because those reviews aren't left by horror fans, they're left by huge vageens.  I remember in 8th grade, overhearing girls in my class talk about being terrified after seeing Interview with the Vampire.  THESE ARE THE KINDS OF PEOPLE REVIEWING THESE MOVIES.

I seem a little bitter, don't I?  You watch this train wreck and tell me you're not bitter, too.  I feel like I just got kicked in the throat.

See you freaks next time!

Perfect Gift for Horror Fans

Hey Uncle Eddie, I have a friend who's a big horror nerd like you.  What can I get them for their birthday/Christmas/Labor Day/Leap Year?"

Funny you should ask, everyone who has ever asked me before.  Why don't you get them one of these sweet horror jigsaw puzzles?

A lot of jigsaw puzzles are lame, yes.  But these are the most un-lame jigsaw puzzles ever created.  And as you guys know I live for Freddy Krueger.  You assholes make fun of me all the time for the many impure Freddy thoughts I have.  Look at how bad ass this puzzle is:

The guy who makes these said he'll be working on new designs too, and I'll be you ANYTHING there will be a Trick r Treat one.

And as a not-so-subtle hint to my husband and friends, this is the perfect gift for children...especially MY children.  Ahem.  You should probably get on that.

Unnecessary Remakes

Maniac (1980) is Hollywood's Latest Victim in the Remake Game

In news that makes me want to stab myself in the face, Hollywood is remaking Maniac.

And you know who they got to play Frank? 

You'll never guess.

Not in a million years.

I FUCKING WISH I WAS KIDDING.

So in case you don't know, Maniac is a wonderfully cheap, ultra-violet film starring the late Joe Spinell with effects by THE KING Tom Savini.  It's about a guy who is so tortured by his mother's death that he stalks women, scalps them, and thus dresses up a bunch of mannequins in his apartment. 

And you think Elijah fucking Wood can pull that off?  Because I don't.

Real Quick

Hey guys, just a real quick question...

Am I the only one who thinks Tabatha Coffey (the hairstylist on those terrible Bravo shows) looks like a Cenobite?

Come on, I can't be the only one.

The Devil Inside - The Next Big Pile

Going to see The Devil Inside?

You might want to think twice.  My initial response to the trailers was mild annoyance - you mean the Vatican doesn't endorse this film?  I thought the Vatican was always in the practice of endorsing steaming piles of fictional bullshit?  My bad.  I assumed it would be mediocre at best.  A few good jumps, not the worst thing out there...

Today I came across this lovely article from The New York Post.  You can read it here but let me give you some of the details:

"It's not often you'll hear audience members shouting, "I want my money back!" -- over a chorus of boos and hisses -- as the credits roll at a FREE screening."

That's true.  I saw Devil at a free pre-show, nobody hissed or booed, and that movie was SHIT.  Pure and utter shit.  I certainly wanted my money back after seeing it for free.

"'The Devil Inside,' the inception of which I envision as a very stoned late-night conversation in which one underemployed screenwriter says to another, "Dude, what if we did Blair Witch Project but with possession??"..."

Okay right there.  Any reference to Blair Witch should be an immediate RED FLAG.  Bullshit, bullshit, turn around and RUN.I'm not going to keep quoting the article, as it's totally your prerogative to ignore a critic.  And to ignore the 9% rating it has at Rotten Tomatoes.

My prediction (and I feel like anybody with a brain could have this prediction) is that this movie is going to be number 1 this weekend.  I just saw a line of about 700 people standing outside of a Harkins waiting - and on a side note, I'm sorry for pointing and laughing at you and calling you suckers.  Okay no I'm not.  So number 1 this weekend...and then 405th next weekend.  The first weekend only proves you had an effective marketing campaign, and they did.  I even saw a commercial with those Jersey Shore clowns going to see this and acting scared.  But once word of mouth gets out...

Yeah.

And fuck you, Hollywood, because this just proves that we're DESPERATE for good horror.  We crave it.  To the point that we'll go see any of the HORSE CRAP you churn out.  You know that, you feed off of it, and I can't fault you for it.  Even if it's a dick move.

Best and Worst of 2011

The Best and the Absolute Bullshit Worst Horror Movies of 2011

The best horror movie I saw this year...well, the best horror movie I saw this year was Rec 2.  But that came out in 2009.  So the best horror movie of 2011 was FRIGHT NIGHT.

A remake!?  I know!  But it was good and if you saw it, you know it.  I found Colin Farrell's performance surprisingly good, but I really enjoyed David Tennant as vampire hunter/poser Peter Vincent.  It's not that I have anything against David Tennant - my husband is a Blue Box Wholigan from way back.  But he's got the most annoying fan base ever.  I've watched my husband be accosted by angry 14 year old's just for wearing a shirt with a TARDIS on it.  "David Tennant is MINE!" they scream.  Yes, I'm sure he is.  I'm sure he's really into 14 year old's.

In any case, the only complaint I have is McLovin Christopher Mintz-Plasse.  It's not his fault I guess, but his comedic vampire schtick was unnecessary and out of place.  But whatever, it still wins BEST HORROR FILM OF 2011.

As always there were some serious stinkers in 2011.  I feel like Hollywood thinks that scaring teenagers is like shooting fish in a barrel, and that's about the level of effort they put in.  But I'm going to say the worst horror movie of 2011 was DREAM HOUSE because it broke every rule for a good horror movie.  And BIG FUCKING SHOCK, IT SUCKED.  I mean, who came up with that idea?  Let's remake a movie we've all seen 10,000 times, but we'll put in big names, because THAT'LL WORK.  God I hate you.

So let's just forget about that bullshit and look ahead to 2012.  We'll see:
- Ghostbusters 3
- World War Z
- Darren Lynn Bousman's Mother's Day (see, Darren?  I know we've had our differences, and you were a dick to me when I cared more about meeting Bill Moseley and discussing House of 1000 Corpses than kissing your ass over Repo! The Genetic Opera, but I'm still really looking forward to your Mother's Day adaptation)
- Halloween 3D (yeah I don't know either you guys)
- The Lords of Salem (which, at least, has intriguing casting, and my homeboy Ken Foree is in it!)
- Child's Play remake (mhmm)
- Thanksgiving (based on the Grindhouse trailer - but nothing will ever top the classic Thankskilling)

So what were your best & worst horror movies of 2011?  What are you looking forward to in 2012?