Review of Spliced (2002)

Whorticulture.com Reviews Spliced (2002)

I wanted to review this movie so nobody makes the same mistake I did, which was mistaking it for the movie Splice and inevitably getting sucked in to the shit show.

So here we have Spliced, which really should have been named The Wisher, and really shouldn't have sucked as hard as it did.  It's a movie about a high school girl who loves horror movies.  I was immediately sucked in as she told her high school psychiatrist (what, your high school didn't have a shrink?) about her sexual arousal from being scared.  I thought "ha, this is going to be soft core porn."  I was wrong.  Nothing ever came about with her sexual arousal, leading to a severe WTF factor every time she talked to her shrink.  Hello, awkward. 

Anyway, she and her friends go see this film called The Wisher, basically a shitty knock-off of the movie Wishmaster.  It's about tree deities that grant wishes that go terribly awry.  It's apparently terrifying because we keep hearing how it's been banned in 2 states, how it's caused teenagers to kill, etc.  We don't get to see much of it, thankfully, aside from some stupid one-liners and terrible faux-3D, as our protagonist gets ill and runs out of the theater.   Her wishes soon start to come true and people start dropping dead - or at least getting sliced up - and she realizes that the killer from the movie is stalking her in real life!

Sigh.  So many problems with this movie.  First off, this moron keeps saying things like "I wish you'd drop dead" or "I wish you'd shut up."  Nobody really talks like that, and it's far too obviously a cheap ploy for action.  Of course her wishes come true.  But does she learn to stop wishing for dumb shit like that?  No.  At one point she wishes her friend would crash the car she is currently riding in.  Awesome.  Let's review the things I wished for during this movie.  I wish I had my 2 hours back.  I wish the girl who got naked had a better rack.  I wish I had a severe head injury.

Okay so the movie is called Spliced, right?  The Wisher film, we learn, is spliced with blank cells baring only tiny weird red symbols.  These are apparently what affects the audience and causes people to kill, but they are 100% unnecessary.  They're hardly discussed, and eventually you just assume that it's the severe violence and gore apparently in The Wisher that causes people to kill.  Yeah, it went there. 

Oh and don't let me forget that Drew fucking Lachey is in this cinematic abortion.  You're supposed to think it's him following this girl around and granting her wishes, but it's not and you never think it is.  The film totally fails in fooling you.  Although I will say I didn't guess who it was because it was such a minor character.  I'll give it that - not that it helps.

Fuck this, I'm going to spoil it for you.  You shouldn't watch it anyway, so it's no big loss to you.  I don't even know how to say this, it's literally that stupid.  So...the girl figures out that she needs to see the end of The Wisher to figure out how to stop the killer.  She illegally downloads the movie (OMG shameful!) but doesn't understand that, in trying to see the end, downloading the part clearly marked "Part 1" and ignoring the part marked "Part 3" might not be super helpful.  She's screaming at her computer for being wrong (sigh), I'm wishing I had nails to hammer into my eyes, and once she figures it out her connection fails.  She did notice, however, that the end of the movie takes place in front of her house with a starlet who looks just like her.  "He thinks I'm the girl from the movie!"  No.  No he doesn't.  Shut the fuck up.

It ends, and I am not kidding you, by her screaming at the killer "I wish you were dead!" and him clawing himself nearly to death.  He claws off his disguise, you see who it is, and the movie basically ends with him crying on her lawn.

I wish I were dead.

2/10.  F-.  Avoid at all costs unless you're REALLY, REALLY, shamefully bored.  I have an excuse - I recently had surgery and I'm pretty much stuck in my house.  If you don't have that kind of excuse, steer clear.  I wish I had.