Friday the 13th

Happy Jason Day everybody!

Unless you live in Crystal Lake, Illinois, you're probably just staying home and watching the machete-wielding masked monster on TV.  Yeah, I am too. 

And if you live in Crystal Lake, Illinois...you're probably not doing anything, because there's not even a camp there.  HOW THE HELL IS THERE NOT A CAMP THERE!?  Should we pool our money and build one?  Obviously. 

In any case, what's your favorite Friday the 13th?  I love 1 & 2, but for some reason I also love 8 (Jason Takes Manhattan).

Thankskilling: The Beaquel Needs YOU!

Last year I reviewed a truly inspirational piece of cinema called Thankskilling.  My review must have been amazing because many of you - my precious readers - watched it too.  Lots of you loved it.  Some of you hated it.  Either way you have to admit, it crawled like a parasitic worm into your brain AND your heart, where it still resides to this day.

Here's your chance to make the sequel happen.

Check out Jordan Downey's Kickstarter page where they're asking for donations.  BAM.  (Seriously, go to watch the video, it's delicious and all kinds of sexy)

You might be wondering why you should throw your hard earned money at this project.  Aside from the fact that the original Thankskilling brought joy to children of all ages, they are offering the best perks for donations I have ever freaking seen.  Ever.  I'm just speechless over them.  Some of them offer your very own gravy flavored condom.  WHAT.

I mean you can throw them any amount of money, but my favorite is probably the $200 donation:

Pledge $200 or more

And consider yourself a FOWL-MOUTHED PRODUCER like the best of 'em! Your name will scroll like no other in the end credits under the heading "Fowl-Mouthed Producers" and we'll even list you on IMDB, should you wish that upon your career. And since you've got a knack for profanity, we'll let you choose your FAVORITE SWEAR WORD to appear beside your name in the credits! Have fun with it -- "Nick Rubin: Butt Sniffer!" You'll also get stuffed with the DVD, T-Shirt, Poster, and all the swag listed above!

ASTOUNDING.

Be a part of movie history.  I'm pretty sure this is what I'm going to be asking for when my birthday rolls around.  TAKE NOTE, ASSHOLES.  If you're a fan (and how can you not be a fan of these guys!?) throw them a little bit of cash.  Do it for me.  DO IT FOR HORROR MOVIES.  Do it for your mom - I heard she's a huge Thankskilling fan.  Do it for Whorticulture.com.

Fantastic News for Phoenix, Arizona

Whorticulture.com has THE BEST NEWS EVER for the Phoenix Area!

If you live in the Phoenix area, and you don't know who the Midnite Movie Mamacita is, YOU ARE MISSING OUT, SON!  Let me fill you in.  Triple M is a hot little number all the way from New Zealand who makes it her mission to bring you the absolute BEST (and the best of the worst) in Horror, Grindhouse, and B-movies every weekend!  If it weren't for the Midnite Movie Mamacita and friends, your life would SUCK.  And that's a fact!

So now that you understand how much you love this little lady, I have great news.  After 5 years of bringing face-kicking awesome to the Valley, she's bustin' out and opening her own venue in Historic Downtown Mesa!

"A cool place to watch movies, that's what it boils down to.  You love the films, we love showing them.  We want to bring you the best in new and classic genre films in a convenient and comfortable spot, while also tantalizing your taste-buds with our unique commissary."

So what can you do?   There are a lot of ways you can help.  The easiest way is to go see her kick ass movies - this weekend they're showing Rubber at MADCAP Theaters!

Yeah, it's a killer tire.  I hear it's BRILLIANT.

Other ways you can help?  Check out the site and help a sista out!  BAM!

Do it, fans!  This is your chance to make your life 50% more awesome (I'm lowballing it here folks), and help out a kick ass lady in the process!

Scream 4 - What Did You Think?

Whorticulture.com Wants To Hear From You!

So kiddies, Scream 4 comes out today and lots of you saw it at last night's midnight showing.

Let us know what you thought.

Leave a comment with a review and you could win a prize!  OH SHIT!  Get on it!

Sincerely,
Your pals at Whorticulture.com


**Our prize is 2 free movie passes**

Dagon

Whorticulture.com Reviews Dagon

I've wanted to see Dagon for some time because I thought the cover looked pretty bad ass (yes, this is how I choose movies in the video store).  So I watched it yesterday on Netflix, and I'm still trying to figure out if I regret the decision.

Dagon is too good to be mediocre, and too mediocre to be good.  That's really the best I can say.

Quick Plot Outline: 4 American tourists are shipwrecked in a village in Spain, and they have a real bad time with the fishy villagers.

There were some really awesome aspects to this movie.  I haven't read the Lovecraft book this is based on (The Shadow Over Innsmouth - NOT Dagon) but I really enjoyed the plot.  I know the director, Stuart Gordon, made some drastic changes, so if you're a fan of Lovecraft you may not appreciate this film.  All of the computer generated effects were totally lame, but the gore effects were pretty decent. 

See?  Totally lame.  Are you vomiting tentacles at me?

There's a scene where an old man loses his face, and it was legit almost too much for me.  And the fishy people were pretty good.  I was certain I was going to have nightmares about them last night - not because they were scary, but because they were fairly disgusting and I couldn't shake them out of my brain.

I really appreciated that they gave us the back story of the village and how they came to worship the Philistine god Dagon.  However, I would have liked the back story of the character Paul, and how the hell he...well I can't say, that's a major part of the plot.  But if you watch it, you'll know what I mean.

Speaking of Paul, the majority of the film is him running from fishy villagers.  Seriously, for like, an hour.  And you get really sick of it.  Where the hell you gonna go, Paul?  I'm bored.  Hurry up and get caught so this shit can progress.

The ending is really abrupt, too.  I mean, it makes sense and all, but it just comes out of nowhere - BAM it's over.

My favorite character was Uxía, played by Macarena Gomez.  Gomez really gave off the vibe that she was enjoying herself, where the other characters fell flat a lot of the time.

I would bang a fish if she were this hot.

I'm going to give Dagon a 6.5 out of 10.  That's a C+.  I was bored AND into it at the same time.  If anyone has seen it I'd love to hear what you thought.  And if you have some time to kill, check it out on Netflix.

Our Recommendation for April

Whorticulture.com Recommends A Movie To Cure Your April Blues

People are always asking me for recommendations, and right now I've got a great one for you that's on the Netflix Instant Queue.

This low budget Belgian gorefest was picked up and redistributed by Troma, which means absolute B-Movie quality.

The plot is simple: these two elderly aunts receive a birthday present from their nephew, which turns them into bloodthirsty monsters.  Tons of blood splatter and laughs ensue as they devour their greedy relatives.

Go ahead, check it out.  Let us know how much you love it.

And while you're at it, leave us your April recommendations!

The Telling

Whorticulture.com Reviews The Telling

Three girls are pledging the strictest sorority on campus, and because of the suicide of a pledge last year, these hopefuls have to regale their prospective sisters with scary stories.

With a premise like that, how could it possibly go wrong?

I can't believe I sat through an hour and 15 minutes of this garbage.  I'm not totally to blame - my cable is out today and this has been sitting on my TiVo for a few months.  Still, I'd like my hour and 15 minutes back, please.

The big draw to this movie is that it stars Holly Madison and Bridget Marquardt, Hef's former squeezes and girls who have certainly been eye candy to yours truly.  Their acting skills are about half a step up from poo floating in a pool...no, wait, that's not really fair to the poo.  Their acting skills are ON PAR with poo floating in a pool.  Holly stars as the head bitch of the sorority.  It's much better if you mute the television and just stare at her rack.  Bridget is the star of story number 2, which is by far the worst story (her lack of acting skill, or "lackting" plays a fairly sizable role in the suckage, but you can't discount that the story is just. fucking. stupid).

The first story is about an evil, possessive doll.  It was kind of like watching Christine if you had a massive head injury.  The doll is in love with the guy and kills anyone who comes between them.  It is a total snoozefest.

The second story, the one with Bridget, is about a movie star who takes "the last role on Earth" and turns out to be filming for the undead.  Or something.  It really doesn't matter, you're just happy when it's over.  Oh but you do get to see a topless Christine Nguyen, the only tits this film has to offer.

The third story had the most suspense, which is to say on a scale of 1 -10 it was about a 3.  These three girls make a prank phone call and hear someone being murdered, then the killer comes and picks them off one by one.  This story also has a scene with a cable guy literally smearing one of the girl's panties all over his face.  This 15 seconds was the best of the entire film.  At least it was funny.

So then you come back to the sorority, where SURPRISE!  They aren't really picking any of these girls, they've been hiding two behind a curtain this whole time!  And again, you don't really care.  Oh, and the sorority girls have all been poisoned.  Whatever, all I could think about was the true blessing of this atrocity being over in two minutes.  Their death scenes are terrible and drawn out, and you have to wonder if they've ever even seen a horror movie where somebody dies.  I'm going to guess NO. 

I'm not even going to rate this movie.  I'm just going to give it an F minus.  You could hand a bunch of third graders the script for Shakespeare's Titus Andronicus, and what they present you would be a million times better than this movie.

I hate you, The Telling.